Losing the fight

**kro** · 12th February 2007, 19:55

A few weeks ago, I came home to a full house, my brother was over, one of my daughters had a friend over, and her mum was also there, picking her up. My son got too hyped up, and said something out of line, and my brother turned round, and with raised voice, said "Michael !!, go to your room, that was naughty !!!".

The lady collecting her daughter, looked at me, and then at my wife, and was quite obvioiusly uncomfortable. My brother marched off to my sons bedroom, and proceeded to dish out a verbal reprimand, and the woman became highly agitated, and my wife picked up on it, and said "whats wrong?".

The women said to us that she thought for a moment that Michael was my brothers son, and that we had some wierd family background blah blah. I said to her, that my wife and I had given full permission to my brother and his partner to discipline our children, but she just could not make it work in her head.

Here's the deal, my son says something very naughty, and my wife and I miss it, but my brother hears it, and it's offensive to him, so he makes it known to my son that it was unacceptable, and sends him to time out.
Back when my parents were growing up, and even up until I was growing up, the whole family, and friends made it vocally clear to the youngins what was acceptable, and what wasn't. Back then, everyone knew what was ok, and what was bad, and it kept people honest, and kept a consistency of behaviour across the community.

People these days are too scared to tell someone elses kids that their behaviour is shit. My son is friends with an extremely prominent Nelson family, and I have told their son off on two separate occasions, and now, the child knows what is acceptable in my house at least, and is well behaved around me. His mum can't for the life of her figure out why he behaves so well for me. The fact is, they are softcocks, and barely discipline the kid, and I doubt any of their friends bother to do it either.

If kids know that more than one set of rules exist, they will play each set to it's fullest extent, but if they know that certain behaviours are unacceptable across the board, they will behave consistently.

My parents are hopeless unfortunately, and won't do it, and they wonder why my children play them. Duh

What do you think?.

**The_Dover** · 12th February 2007, 20:02

i think kids should live in fear.

keep the little fuckers on their toes.

**Hitcher** · 12th February 2007, 20:03

There need to be consistently applied boundaries to successfully modify behaviours.

**Steam** · 12th February 2007, 20:05

Yes, what you and your brother have arranged is good, that's good parenting.

We need more of your attitude in the world, if EVERYONE took responsibility for disciplining kids and parenting, then a useless parent's influence may be mitigated somewhat. I mean, if some kid is doing something bad in the playground, then others should feel obliged to step in and stop that kid spitting at another, or whatever.

Like you say: ...everyone knew what was ok, and what was bad, and it kept people honest, and kept a consistency of behaviour across the community.

That's a key to solid community, people telling others what they are doing is unacceptable, whether child or adult. If everyone kept going up to street-kids telling them to go away and stop bothering people, sooner or later they'd get tired of being bugged and bugger off. (they couldn't fight everyone!) But this would require a huge societal shift, but hey, look how much kiwiland has changed in 50 years, maybe in 50 more we will have changed for the better?
It's just words, but words have power when repeated again and again by everyone you meet or see as family or parenting figures.
Good on ya!

**chanceyy** · 12th February 2007, 20:06

its great well done !!!!!!

I do not have kids (apart from the 4 legged variety) but my bro has 4 kids .. when i visit them or they come to visit my parents who are elderly & they try it on .. I growl them (cause nana & grandad let them get away with murder ... ) those kids are extremely respectful & know their boundaries, very loving kids wonderful to be around

same for freinds kids .. pulled into freinds driveway off a state highway here was the 7 yr old sitting in middle of driveway (blind spot) thankfully I was not going fast either but boy ohh boy dunna think she will ever sit there again .. I have no hesitation in telling kids off but then the parents do not object either

Aunty sandra darling becomes aunty sandra demon .. still makes me smile ..

**Highlander** · 12th February 2007, 20:09

Originally Posted by Hitcher

There need to be consistently applied boundaries to successfully modify behaviours.

Those boundaries should be applied by the adult figure present, need not be the parent so long as it is consistent.

**mstriumph** · 12th February 2007, 20:20

I grew up in a small village on salisbury plain ........... the nearest adult admonished bad behaviour ........... we learnt to keep our mischiefs couvert at at VERY young age lol

**sunhuntin** · 12th February 2007, 20:22

i dont recall being discplined by my friends parents, but i knew damn sure what was ok, and what wasnt.

you guys are doing great so far! great way to be consistent!

my brother is 26, and has just moved back home, with a year old baby. mum and i collect bears...they are literally all over the house. we tell her she cant touch them, and tell her no when she tries. ive even tapped her hand with two fingers to get her away from the ceramic ones. but then, he turns around and gives them to her anyway. i hate that, cos he is living in mums house, and not respecting her property.
but, both my parents are also softcocks.... if it were me, hed be out on his ass, not being babied.

**Drum** · 12th February 2007, 20:35

Kids should be taught to respect all adults, not just their parents.

If this were the case, we wouldn't have tagging would we?

**kro** · 12th February 2007, 20:35

It's reassuring to get feedback like this, thank you for your comments, even yours Dover, as there is actually an element of truth in it.

So good to hear some of you have similar ways of doing things, I was starting to think I was breaking some moral code that no bastard told me about when we had children.

**scumdog** · 12th February 2007, 20:37

Good on ya!

I kick-arse (verbally) any kid that steps out of line in my earshot - regardless of who the parents are.

**Clivoris** · 12th February 2007, 20:40

Same way I was raised and how my kids get raised. Keep it up man.

**apteryx_haasti** · 12th February 2007, 20:43

Yeah - good system! I am the same with my sister's kids - I know what they are allowed to do / say and my sister and her husband are quite happy for Auntie to dish out a telling off if it's necessary.

Someone before said that what you do is good parenting. I agree!

**terbang** · 12th February 2007, 21:19

Yup tha was the way it was when I was a kid. The uncles and Aunts also meted out punishment when they caught us playing up. They were family and it was just normal. My brother has now married a woman that has had a different upbringing and if we even frown in her kids direction we are damned. And now the little bastards run wild telling us and her to piss off as they please and have absolutley no respect for anyone. We don't see too much of them nowdays.