What am I? Fly paper for freaks!

[Hitcher]

No one expects the Spanish Inquisition

NOBODY expects the Spanish Inquisition!

Our chief weapon is surprise...surprise and fear...fear and surprise.

Our two weapons are fear and surprise...and ruthless efficiency.

Our three weapons are fear, surprise, and ruthless efficiency... and an almost fanatical devotion to the Pope.

Our four...no... Amongst our weapons...

Amongst our weaponry...are such elements as fear, surprise.... I'll come in again.

[Drew]

trying to write a whitepaper on applied psychoacoustics. .

It'd be easier if the word itself were pronouncable, then, after half an hour of phoenetics, and I can say it, i'm no fuckin smarter on what it bloody means. Elaborate!!!

[Edbear]

It'd be easier if the word itself were pronouncable, then, after half an hour of phoenetics, and I can say it, i'm no fuckin smarter on what it bloody means. Elaborate!!!

It's those strange noises in your head....

[JMemonic]

Good tales Sniper, glad I am not in an industry now where I have to make an effort to satisfy peoples silly ideas of service.

[Coyote]

Geeezzz

I'm not ususally the long post reader type, but those stories were incredible. The last story with the fat people wanting you to personally escort them will always remain a classic example in my mind of how people will aways think they're special and everyone should bend over backwards for them. Bloody incredible

[Brett]

Sniper mate, you write incredibly well, and that last story was no exception. Well done.

[Postie]

Sniper, you need one of these

[Sniper]

Ooo, thats a damn good idea.

[Hitcher]

Mr. Praline: 'Ello, I wish to register a complaint.

(The owner does not respond.)

Mr. Praline: 'Ello, Miss?

Owner: What do you mean "miss"?

Mr. Praline: I'm sorry, I have a cold. I wish to make a complaint!

Owner: We're closin' for lunch.

Mr. Praline: Never mind that, my lad. I wish to complain about this parrot what I purchased not half an hour ago from this very boutique.

Owner: Oh yes, the, uh, the Norwegian Blue...What's,uh...What's wrong with it?

Mr. Praline: I'll tell you what's wrong with it, my lad. 'E's dead, that's what's wrong with it!

Owner: No, no, 'e's uh,...he's resting...

[Sniper]

I have been asked for this story, so here it goes. Forgive me though, its a while ago this happened and things are a bit hazy.

*Cue mist and dreamy music while I go back in time*

It was when I was a stand in manager for the Picton Apex Car Rentals. Well, I was technically a CSR but the manager was a strange sort, but I wont go there, needless to say I was called on often to do managerial duties including difficult customers.

We were down at the ferry terminal meeting people off the boat that had arrived and all was going smoothly when we had a rather short guy in a rather flash suit rock up to the counter (Pushing in front of some rather nice people I might add). Now those that have been to the picton ferry terminal might have seen the Apex Counter across from checkin. A normal 5' 8" person stands about head and shoulders above the top of the desk and this (I wont say midget as it is insulting to Finn) short arse whos chin can only just clear the desk surface is standing there staring up at me. Now being the polite individual I am I looked at him and told him I would be there in a second when I have dealt with the people who were there before him in a nice even tone giving nothing away (Much like you talk to a small child or a person thats short and cocky and behind your counter without laughing) And he said that he couldnt afford to wait and that I should get back to them when I have dealt with him. He seemed to me that his morning breakfast consited of a big bowl of self importance and a glass of fucking people off juice.

This pissed me off a bit as the couple I was dealing with was a really polite and friendly sort and I was happily telling them about Picton and the Queen Charlotte track they were heading off to walk and I wasnt about to piss them off. So I told him he can go ahead and wait like all the other people who come off the boats 365 days of the year and I will deal with him when Im finished fullstop (I dont like being interrupted). To most people this would register as a halt to proceedings and they would quietly fume in a corner until I could smother them or help them depending on how I was feeling. He just spat a "Fuck You" at me and then walked out of the building. Well the english couple and I had a bit of a chuckle at him and then after I had shown them the car I went back inside expecting all to be done and then lunch!! Seems I was wrong (See a pattern emerging from my previous stories)

The little ducks disease man was back and he was having a go at the manager who looked like she was not having the best time. Amazingly, I felt sorry enough for her that I did not head back behind the desk, I went and stood next to this horrid excuse for an man and told him that if he has a problem with staff or decisions he can chat to me. This was quickly backed up by the manager at the time (When you take a managers course, is payment with a spine these days?) Now I was only a young stag at this stage and I was still learning the art of dealing with complaints which is why I think the situation became quite blown up quite quickly. Thinking back now, hindsight is a great thing (Not the arse checking out hind sight you perverts). He had a bit of spit at that I shouldnt interrupt him as he is talking to someone that might not be so rude and actually help him. Then I gaffawed (thats the only word I think I can use.) It wasnt a real laugh, it wasnts a chuckle, it was one of those strange quick laughs of disbelief or condesendtion (is that a real word?) and that started it.

He got angrier and started shouting. Now, I dont like being shouted at and I dont like being sworn at without a damn good reason (which) I didnt have at this stage and I told him for his own good he had better calm down and start telling me when his problem is before I had the Interislander security escort him out. (I already had their eye but they didnt bother coming over as the guy was too short at this stage) I dont remember much of what had happened but the short and curlys of it was that in the north Island he had a car with us. Just the previous day he had driven into the back of a parked truck at 50kph (Dont ask me how, the mind boggles) and had cause a fair bit of friction up there. This happened in Taupo. Apparently from there he hadnt told us about the accident, he had buggered off and hitched to Wellington, stayed the night and hopped on the first availible ferry to Picton. To top it off, it was a brand new toyota camry on its first hire. Needless to say, I was not impressed and I conveyed that onto said customer.

Now the reason he was here was, he wanted another car and he wanted us to pay for the inconvenience of him hitchhiking, staying in a 4 star hotel and paying for the ferry to come across. I told him that on no grounds whatsoever would we give him another car as the accident was his fault, we now have to get a damaged car from Taupo (where we need to find it as he didnt know where he had the accident) and that his idea of compensation was an absolute joke and no matter what country he is from he is fucken lucky not to have the cops after him. Well he didnt like that as he went off his rocket. So I raised my voice (First and last time I will ever do it with a customer) and told him that he will not shout at me of any of the staff here, that if he is going to argue we will call the cops and they can deal with what we call a hit and run.

Then he started shouting and calling me names and swore that he will send the spanish police to arrest me for ruining his holiday. I couldnt help laughing at that and neither could some of the II staff which he seemed to take personally and yelled loud enough for the entire terminal to hear that we would be hearing from his govt, the spanish police and the tourisim board. Which was cool, good luck for him. All I said in reply was that we will be notifying the police and he will be lucky to leave the country.

My apologese if the story seems a bit vague, like I say it was a while ago.

[Sniper]

As funny as these stories are, rmember, I let these guys on our roads

[Swoop]

Scary.
I know for a fact that I would have been arrested for GBH.

[Juud]

sheezz, some people! I so admire your patience, I think I would 'ave burst into flames

another great story though!!

[Jantar]

It a damn good job I don't work with the public. I don't believe I'd have the degree of restraint that you do.

Keep the stories coming.

[Sniper]

At the request of Swoop, I should share a few more stories. I have time for a quickie (Story dammit, you perverts) before getting back to work

Not really a rental car story, but more a work story non the less.

Opposite work we have a store with a flat above it. In the flat live some young folk who we speculate (I mean speculate) sell mind altering plant substances. We only come to this conclusion as he always seem to have friends turn up throughout the day who vary in age and dress sense who turn up, go upstairs and then come out with dazed looks on their faces or stumble out with a bag they didnt go in there with. As well as that clue, he always seems to have money and his car seems to get blung out very quickly. Mind you, its very amusing watching them... Anyway, back on track.

Bit of a mental picture here for you (yes use your brains sorry). We are on a one way street. We have rather large double roller doors about the size of a 6 or 7 car garage across which there are no yellow lines, but are pretty plain and obvious that you should not park in front of them. This flat across the road has no parking (see where Im going). Every-so-often we presume he has parties or he comes home a bit tiddily and he forgets that he shouldn't park his car in front of our doors. His friends tend to do it, and I would have thought he would have warned them, but as of yet, no such luck.

To date, we have had his car towed 5 times this year and about 6 or 7 of his mates cars towed. You would think they would get the hint, but it seems that common sense has long since died with him. Or its been lost in the smoky haze? Its an endless source of amusement for me at least and I know a few at work get kicks out of watching him argue with a tow truck driver who really isnt interested.

The first time it happened, he came out with a dozy look on his face and came inside to ask where his car was. He didnt look too happy that it had been towed, but I was bigger than him, and he obviously was in no fit state to argue with me. So he walked out...... Without asking who it was that towed his car. It was about 1600 before he got his car back Second time was only a couple of days later and I think he was just testing my theory. He parked his car smack bang in the middle of one of our doors. So this time (After being told that because there some special rules, the council needs to be involved in towing them) I rang the council who's parking warden turned up in about 5 minutes. Now I allowed myself a wee bit of a chortle this time, as not only is he going to be paying a bit to get it out of the tow yard, but he just got $455 in fines for no rego, no warrent and blocking a driveway. Anyway, he turned up with his car aroung midday not looking too happy.

There were a couple of other occasions where we had him and his mates towed, but at no stage did they come in until I had this honda integra towed. This had to have been my favourite time with these guys. Now, I'll let you know about this integra. Its a show car, its been in performance magazine twice and has been awarded various prizes at shows around the country. It has 18inch wheels, its lowered to 15cm off the deck, its got a one of a kind Mugen body kit, dueal exhausts and a bonnet scoop. Fair enough, but it doesn't give hiom Carte Blanch to park where ever he feels.

I spent all of 30 seconds wondering if I should kick on their door and tell them to move, or get it towed. Guess what I chose??

Anyway, PK's towing turned up. PK who is a nice guy and Im on first name basis with by now as he is the usual who turns up shows. He takes one look at the car and shakes his head. Apparently he hates towing these cars as they get damaged and there is always a piss fight about it. The Parking Warden (Who by now differs on each occasion, but always seems to know my name) tells him that tough shit, he is parked illegally and that any damaged occured to his car is his fault. Woohoo, a parking warden with balls. So PK does his bit, only problem is that the car is sitting too low to get the braces under the wheels... "No worries" says I running off, only to return with the trolley jack. Once the wheels are not even off the ground we hear a cruch from the back. So, there goes part of the one of a kind Mugen bumper. We all had a laugh about it and the PK lifts the car up a bit more until the car can be towed safely (By now the rear bumper has been broken off its mounts so PK tossed it in the back)

About 3 hours later (1100) this guy walks out, looks around hurriedly and then shoots inside. I had a bit of a chuckle as he has proberbly gone to tell his mates that the cars been stolen. Obviously he has been told otherwise cause he comes downstairs with his mates and his gilfriend. They swagger (Could have been stagger, but I think they were trying to look tough, emphasis on trying) across the road and walk inside the office.

Him: "Hey mate, you know what happened to my car"

Me: "What car"

Him: "The blue Integra outside, moron" (Oooo, he is calling me names)

Me: "Oh yea, I got it towed"

Him: "What the fuck for?"

Me: "Cause some dipshit parked it in front of our doors"

Him: "Well theres no fucken sign telling me I can't park there, you can't tow it"

Me: "Ummm, its a driveway, its pretty self explanitory not to park in front of it" (By now Im getting a bit annoyed)

Him: "Well you could have fucken come and got me you tosser, I would have moved it"

Me: "Unfortunatly, I have too much faith in mankind and though that you would have figured out for youself that parking here would be a bad idea" (In a calm quiet voice)

By now, the usual guy who lives there realises they are not going to get anywhere with me and take their mate outside to find the car. I though it was to be the end, but you remember the part about the crushed bumper? Well me hoping he wouldn't notice () was wrong and he came in a bit later all red in the face and obviously wanting to cause trouble.

Him: "Have you seen whats happened to my fucken car" (Yelling)

Me: "Yup, I saw it this morning"

Him: "Well why didn't you tell me you (Something about my parentage)" (He was yelling, and I wasn't impressed)

Me: "Well, its not my fucken problem, you wanted to park in front of a driveway, its your fucken problem"

Him: "Well you had better figure out how you are paying for it to get fixed.

*I laugh*
Me: "Ummm, yea right, Im not responsible for anything buddy"

(I'll cut out a bit as this went backwards and forwards for a while)

Him: "Well you better fucken sort it. I'll wait for you outside tonight when you finish, so we can discuss how you are going to pay for it" (Is that a threat??)

Me: Ok, tell you what, you wait outside for me, by yourself, and we can discuss as much as you like, as long as the cops are around to listen in."

Him: "Well, why the fuck do you want to involve cops?"

Me: Easy, you just threatened me, and Im not wanting to get into fights with dipshits. Tell you what, you get a lawyer or someone to prove that Im in the wrong, and I will pay to have your car fixed, until then, fuck off."

He left after that. Its been 3 weeks, I haven't seen him around and haven't heard from him, so Im presuming that he hasn't been able to find anyone to help him out. Pity though, it was an amusing time.

I will post up some more stories a bit later, until then, keep smiling