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Thread: Religious but it's a laugh ...

  1. #1
    Join Date
    24th May 2006 - 09:23
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    Religious but it's a laugh ...

    (via email)
    They're Back! Church Bulletins: Thank God for church ladies with
    typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church
    bulletins or were announced in church services:

    ----------------------------------------------------------------------

    The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

    ----------------------------------------------------------------------

    The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon
    tonight: "Searching for Jesus."

    ----------------------------------------------------------------------

    Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in
    The recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.

    ----------------------------------------------------------------------

    Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid
    of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your
    husbands.

    ----------------------------------------------------------------------

    The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due
    To a conflict.

    ----------------------------------------------------------------------

    Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile
    At someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't
    Care much about you.

    ---------------------------------------------------------------------

    Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.

    ---------------------------------------------------------------------

    Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving
    obvious pleasure to the congregation.

    ----------------------------------------------------------------------

    For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a
    nursery downstairs.

    ----------------------------------------------------------------------

    Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all
    the help they can get.

    ----------------------------------------------------------------------

    The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir
    Will sing: "Break Forth Into Joy."

    ---------------------------------------------------------------------

    Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the
    church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

    ---------------------------------------------------------------------

    A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall.
    Music will follow.

    --------------------------------------------------------------------

    At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is
    Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

    ---------------------------------------------------------------------

    Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of
    several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

    ---------------------------------------------------------------------

    Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be
    recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

    ---------------------------------------------------------------------

    Please place your donation in the envelope along with the
    Deceased person you want remembered.

    ---------------------------------------------------------------------

    The church will host an evening of fine dining, super
    Entertainment and gracious hostility.

    ---------------------------------------------------------------------

    Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.

    ---------------------------------------------------------------------

    The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind.
    They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

    ----------------------------------------------------------------------

    This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park
    across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to "sin".

    ---------------------------------------------------------------------

    Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All
    ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is
    done.

    ----------------------------------------------------------------------

    The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation
    would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next
    Sunday.

    ----------------------------------------------------------------------

    Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please
    use the back door.

    ---------------------------------------------------------------------

    The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the
    Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to
    attend this tragedy.

    ----------------------------------------------------------------------

    Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church.
    Please use large double door at the side entrance.

    ----------------------------------------------------------------------

    The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign
    slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours"

  2. #2
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    1st August 2006 - 12:23
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    Not sure how true they are, but some of them really are bloody funny
    Hanging on in quiet desperation is the English way

  3. #3
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    31st July 2005 - 21:18
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    My fave of all time (if not in list) is:

    "For all the Women who are pregnant (or who want to be) see the Minister after the sermon."

    (guessing from memory).
    "If life gives you a shit sandwich..." someone please complete this expression

  4. #4
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    17th April 2004 - 20:45
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    ha ha ha ha ha ha ROTFPMSL... I sooo needed a laugh today - thanks They were priceless

    and / or

    Follow me on Facebook


    A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house.

  5. #5
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    5th April 2004 - 20:04
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    Shit that's funny, a simple gramatical error turns an innocent sentance in to the best joke ever.

  6. #6
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    31st July 2005 - 21:18
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    Quote Originally Posted by FIZZERMAN View Post
    ...sentance...
    Pity it didn't work for you.

    I did laugh though
    "If life gives you a shit sandwich..." someone please complete this expression

  7. #7
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    5th April 2004 - 20:04
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    Quote Originally Posted by skelstar View Post
    Pity it didn't work for you.

    I did laugh though
    Sadly, it was lost on most people

  8. #8
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    18th November 2005 - 23:58
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    hahahaha...very good

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