Men and women jokes

**SkOrM** · 19th June 2005, 09:45

for the men

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably
never be able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer
to the kitchen sink.

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."

How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

Why do men break wind more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required
pressure.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the
front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman that won't do what she's told.

I married Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months:
I don't like to interrupt her.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive
by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.

Marriage is a 3-ring circus:
Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, Suffering.

Our last fight was my fault:
My wife asked me "What's on the TV?"
I said, "Dust!"

In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested. Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

A beggar walked up to a well-dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and
said, "I haven't eaten anything for days."
She looked at him and said, "God, I wish I had your willpower."

Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a
man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
Dad: That happens in every country, son.

A man inserted an advertisement in the classified: Wife Wanted."
The next day he received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it
once.

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street
with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.

And the women

1.Men are like Laxatives. They irritate the s*** out of you.
2.Men are like Bananas. The older they get, the less firm they get.
3.Men are like the Weather. Nothing can be done to change them.
4.Men are like Blenders. You need one but your not quite sure why.
5.Men are like Chocolate Bars. Sweet, smooth, and they always head right for your lips.
6.Men are like Commercials. You cant believe a word they say.
7.Men are like Department Stores. Their clothes are ½ off.
8.Men are like Government Bonds. They take soooooooo long to mature.
9.Men are like Maskara. They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
10.Men are like Popcorn. They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
11.Men are like Snowstorms. You’ll never know when they are coming, how many inches you’ll get and how long will it last.
12.Men are like Lava Lamps. Fun to look at but not very bright.
13.Men are like Parking Spots. All the good ones are taken, the rest a re handicapped

curtisy of www.sportbikez.net

**gav** · 22nd June 2005, 21:26

Bob the builder was going through a house he had just built with the woman who owned it. She was telling him what colour to paint each room.

They went into the first room and she said "I want this room to be painted a light blue." The builder went to the front door and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!"

When he went back into the house, she told him that the next room was to be bright red. The builder went to the front door and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!"

When he went back into the house, she told him that the next room was to be tan. The builder went to the front door and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!"

When he came back, the lady was pretty curious, so she asked him "I keep telling you colours, but you go out the front and yell green side up; what is that for?

The builder said, "Oh don't worry about that, I've got a couple of Australians laying the turf out front."
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The Kiwi left work on Friday afternoon and instead of going home he stayed out the entire weekend hunting with the boys and spending his paycheck.

When he finally appeared home on Sunday night he was confronted by a very irrate and angry wife. She went on for two hours about his irresponsible actions.

Finally she stopped nagging and simply said, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for about 2-3 days?

To which he replied," Fuck suits me fine!

Monday went by and he didn't see his wife.

Tuesday went by and he still didn't see his wife.

Wednesday came and went and he still didn't see his wife.

On Thursday the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
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A Maori goes into a brothel in Amsterdam one night and finds himself a prostitute.
He asks her, "How much do you charge for the hour?"
$100," she replies.
So he asks, "Okay do you do Maori style?"
She says "No!"

He then asks her, "I'll pay you $200 to do Maori style?"
She again says no, not knowing what Maori style is!
So he then offers her $300.
Again she declines his offer.
So finally he says, "I'll give you $500 to go Maori style with me"
Finally she agrees thinking, "Well I've been in the game for over 10 years now, I've been there and done that, had every kind of request from weirdo's from every corner of the world. How bad could Maori style be?"
So she goes ahead and has sex with the bro, doing it in every kind of way and in every possible position.
Finally, after 8 intense hours of the best nookie she'd ever experienced, the Maori finishes.
Exhausted, the hooker turns to him and says, "That was wonderful. I've never enjoyed it so much. But I was expecting something perverted and crass. Where does the 'Maori style' come in?"

The Bro replies..............."I'll pay you tomorrow!"
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Everyday, a hen owned by a maori man would lay an egg in his garden which was used his daily breakfast. One day, he looked into his garden only to find that the hen laid her egg in the Samoan’s garden.

He was about to go next door when saw the Samoan rush out of the house to pick up the egg for himself. The Maori ran up to the Samoan and told him that the egg belonged to him because he owned the hen. The Samoan disagreed because the egg was laid on his property. They argued for a while until finally the Maori said, “ In Aotearoa we normally solve disputes by the following method. I kick you in the nuts and time how long it takes you to get back up, and then you kick me in the nuts and time how long it takes me to get up. Whoever gets up the quickest wins the egg.

The Samoan thought for a moment and noticed that the Maori was only wearing barefeet. He then looked at his own feet, which boasted a shiny pair of new Nike Basketball boots.

He quickly agreed to resolve the dispute, “Maori Style”.

The Maori took a few steps back and kicked the Samoan in the balls as hard as he could. The Samoan fell to the ground clutching himself and howled in agony for 30 minutes. Eventually, the Samoan stood up and said; “Now it’s my turn to kick you.”

The Maori shrugged his shoulders and said, “Nahh, you can keep the egg!

**MSTRS:Me** · 23rd June 2005, 12:15

A man who just died is delivered to the mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit. The mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. He points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing. The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the mortician a blank check and says, "I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing."
The woman returns the next day for the viewing. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly. She says to the mortician, "Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?" To her astonishment, the mortician presents her with the blank cheque. "There's no charge," he says. "No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!" she says. "Honestly, ma'am," the mortician says, "it cost nothing.
You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice. So I just switched the heads."

**MSTRS:Me** · 23rd June 2005, 16:22

An elderly couple are in a tavern having a meal together.The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago?
We went behind this very tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."
"Yes, she says, "I remember it well"
"Ok," he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"
"Oh Charlie, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but very good idea!"
There's a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all this, and having a chuckle to himself.
He thinks, "I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble."
So he follows them. They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by walking sticks.
Finally they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence.
The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.
Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the watching policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about forty minutes.
Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on.
The Policeman, still watching thinks, this was truly amazing. I've go to ask them what their secret is.
As the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"
The old man says, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."

**MSTRS:Me** · 17th July 2005, 16:20

will offend someone....

**MSTRS:Me** · 17th July 2005, 16:30

this is just cruel.....

**HDTboy** · 17th July 2005, 16:33

A young lady was conducting market research for durex near a busy airport.
Things were going great for this lady, she was getting a good range of people for her survey, and she was just about ready to pack up and go home when she spotted a handsome pilot. Now knowing that pilots have quite a reputation in bed she decided to ask if he'd participate.
Well, this pilot jumped right in and answered all her questions willingly, but when the lady taking the survey asked when the last time our stunning pilot had some loving she was surprised to hear him reply "nineteen fifty seven"

She queried "nineteen fifty seven? That's a long time for such a handsome pilot like you to go without loving"

to which the pilot replied "Not really honey, it's only twenty one fifteen now"

**HDTboy** · 17th July 2005, 16:43

A woman decides to have a facelift for her 47th birthday. She spends
$15,000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home she
stops at a news-agency to buy a paper. Before leaving she asks the sales
clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?"
"About 32," the clerk replies. "I'm actually 47," the woman says
happily. A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the
counter girl the same question. She replies, "I'd guess about 29." The
woman replies, "Nope, I am 47!" Now she is feeling really good about
herself. While waiting for the bus home, she asks an old man the same
question. He replies, "I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I
was young, there was a sure way to tell how old a woman was, but it
requires you to let me put my hands down your knickers. Then, I can tell
exactly how old you are." They waited in silence on the empty street
until curiosity got the best of the woman and she finally says, "What
the hell, go ahead". The old man slips both hands down her knickers and
begins to feel around. After several minutes she says, "Okay, how old am
I?" He removes his hands slowly and says, "You are 47." Stunned, the
woman says, "That is amazing. How do you know?" The old man replies, "I
was behind you in McDonald's."

**placidfemme** · 18th July 2005, 07:48

lol you guys are like aotumatic joke machines... very good

**Hitcher** · 18th July 2005, 11:08

Seeing as how somebody else started all this...

**Jantar** · 3rd May 2006, 22:53

Men strike back! ! ! ! ! ! !

I thought this had been previously posted, but I couldn't find it with the search, So Men, enjoy.....

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
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Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows
them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..."
-------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men fart more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to
build up the required pressure.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes
a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Women will never be equal to men until they can
walk down the street with a bald head and a beer
gut, and still think they are sexy.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
-------------------------------------------------------------------

**2much** · 3rd May 2006, 23:05

Scientists have discovered that most women will at some stage in their lives contain intelligent DNA...........

Unfortunately 90% of them spit it out

**ZeroIndex** · 3rd May 2006, 23:09

nice one Jantar, have some bling

**crazyhorse** · 5th December 2009, 07:56

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None..... It should be opened when she brings it.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows
them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me.."
-------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men fart more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to
build up the required pressure.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes
a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Women will never be equal to men until they can
walk down the street with a bald head and a beer
gut, and still think they are sexy.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
-------------------------------------------------------------------