Collected aviation wisdom

**Ocean1** · 17th May 2007, 20:57

Blue water Navy truism; There are more planes in the ocean than there are submarines in the sky.

If the wings are travelling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe.

Navy carrier pilots to Air Force pilots: Flaring is like squatting to pee.

When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash.

Without ammunition the USAF would be just another expensive flying club.

What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots?
If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up, the pilot dies.
Never trade luck for skill.

The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in aviation
are: "Why is it doing that?", "Where are we?" and " Oh Shit!"

Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers.

Airspeed, altitude or brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight.

A smooth landing is mostly luck; two in a row is all luck; three in a row is prevarication.

Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!

Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag for the purpose of storing dead batteries.

Advice given to RAF pilots during W.W.II. When a prang seems inevitable, endeavour to strike the softest, cheapest object in the vicinity as slowly and gently as possible.

The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you. (Attributed to Max Stanley, Northrop test pilot)

A pilot who doesn't have any fear probably isn't flying his plane to its maximum. (Jon McBride, astronaut)

If you're faced with a forced landing, fly the thing as far into the crash as possible. (Bob Hoover - renowned aerobatic and test pilot)

If an airplane is still in one piece, don't cheat on it; ride the bastard down. (Ernest K. Gann, author & aviator)

Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death I Shall Fear No Evil For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing. (sign over the entrance to the SR-71 operating location Kadena, Japan).

You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3. (Paul F. Crickmore - test pilot)

Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you.

There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime. (Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970).

The three best things in life are a good landing, a good orgasm, and a good bowel movement. The night carrier landing is one of the few opportunities in life where you get to experience all three at the same time. (Author unknown, but someone who's been there)

Basic Flying Rules
1. Try to stay in the middle of the air.
2. Do not go near the edges of it.
3. The edges of the air can be recognised by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is much more difficult to fly there.

You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal.

Moriaty · 18th May 2007, 05:18

Actual exchanges between pilots and control towers Tower:

"Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"

Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
TWA 2341: "Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes
when it hits a 727?"

From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long
takeoff queue: "I'm *!#....ing bored!"
Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting,
identify yourself immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was %@*!...ing bored,
not &^#!...ing stupid!"

O'Hare Approach Control to a 747:
"United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock,
three miles, Eastbound."
United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this...
I've got the little Fokker in sight."

A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight.
While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked,
"What was your last known position?"
Student: "When I was number one for takeoff!"

A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an
exceedingly long roll out after touching down.
San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right
turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not
able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make
a right at the lights, and return to the airport."

ahhh yes-- there's even more! - - - - - >>>

(Hope you're enjoying your fight....)

There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority
landing because his single-engine jet fighter was
running "a bit peaked".
Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two,
behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down.
"Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded
seven-engine approach."

A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich,
overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must
speak in English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German
airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful
British accent): Because you lost the bloody war!"

Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact
Departure on frequency 124.7"
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way,
after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal
on the far end of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702,
contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report
from Eastern 702?"
BR Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger;
and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."

One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold
short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed,
rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee.
Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and
said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with
a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours
and I'll have enough parts for another one."

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a
short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate
parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from
them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747)
listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control
and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate
location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not
been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark,
-- And I didn't land."

While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight
departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to
nose with a United 727.
An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew,
screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you
to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop
right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference
between C and D, but get it right!"
Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now
shouting hysterically:
"God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to
sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to!
You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour,
and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you,
and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"
"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.
Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly
silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to
chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind.
Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running
high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his
microphone, asking:
"Wasn't I married to you once?"

**Edbear** · 18th May 2007, 07:34

**Coyote** · 18th May 2007, 07:47

Originally Posted by Ocean1

The three best things in life are a good landing, a good orgasm, and a good bowel movement. The night carrier landing is one of the few opportunities in life where you get to experience all three at the same time. (Author unknown, but someone who's been there)

Hahaha, brilliant

**Grub** · 18th May 2007, 08:10

Here's one I expected to see there (true story)...

A busy foggy rushour morning ...
Tower (Female controller): Garuda 224 taxi runway 34 via left turn onto taxiway Bravo and Stub Xray.
Garuda 224: Taxiway Bravo to Runway 34, Garuda 224.

... whereupon Garuda turned right onto Bravo and came face to face with a B737. Aircraft don't have reverse gear.

Tower: Garuda 224, I told you to turn LEFT onto Bravo!!! Now look at what you've done! The whole of the taxiway system is blocked because of your stupidity!!! Can't you follow simple instructions!!! Don't you dare move another inch until I can get this mess sorted out ..... and you will be the last aircraft away once it is settled ... !!!!!!

Unknown: ... Wasn't I married to you once? ...

**Sniper** · 18th May 2007, 08:16

Originally Posted by Moriaty

While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight
departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to
nose with a United 727.
An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew,
screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you
to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop
right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference
between C and D, but get it right!"
Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now
shouting hysterically:
"God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to
sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to!
You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour,
and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you,
and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"
"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.
Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly
silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to
chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind.
Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running
high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his
microphone, asking:
"Wasn't I married to you once?"

Originally Posted by Grub

Here's one I expected to see there (true story)...

A busy foggy rushour morning ...
Tower (Female controller): Garuda 224 taxi runway 34 via left turn onto taxiway Bravo and Stub Xray.
Garuda 224: Taxiway Bravo to Runway 34, Garuda 224.

... whereupon Garuda turned right onto Bravo and came face to face with a B737. Aircraft don't have reverse gear.

Tower: Garuda 224, I told you to turn LEFT onto Bravo!!! Now look at what you've done! The whole of the taxiway system is blocked because of your stupidity!!! Can't you follow simple instructions!!! Don't you dare move another inch until I can get this mess sorted out ..... and you will be the last aircraft away once it is settled ... !!!!!!

Unknown: ... Wasn't I married to you once? ...

Ummm, true story??? And it was there

**MSTRS:Me** · 18th May 2007, 08:59

Originally Posted by Ocean1

Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you.

Applicable to pillions too....

**Ocean1** · 18th May 2007, 09:24

Originally Posted by MSTRS

Applicable to pillions too....

Most of it is... with minor tweaks:

The three best things in life are a good ride, a good orgasm, and a good bowel movement. The early morning mid-winter crossing of the Rimutakas on the back of a CB750 is one of the few opportunities in life where you get to experience all three at the same time.

That was fun.
More shameless rampant plagiarism:

Basic Riding Rules
1. Try to stay on the road.
2. Do not go near the edges of it.
3. The edges of the road can be recognised by the appearance of gravel, telephone poles, mud, trees and livestock. It is much more difficult to ride there.

Editors note: The position of motorcycle correspondent is currently under review, applicants for this role should contact this office as soon as is convenient.

**Ocean1** · 18th May 2007, 10:32

Originally Posted by Moriaty

Actual exchanges between pilots and control towers Tower:

I grew up in Invercargill, at least that's where I lived at the age where most people are generally expected to grow up.

West plains Rd, Waikiwi. You?

**Swoop** · 18th May 2007, 16:36

Aviation Rules

This appeared in the current issue of Australian Aviation Magazine (June
2000?)

RULES OF THE AIR

1. Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory.

2. If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the
stick back, they get smaller. That is, unless you keep pulling the stick
all the way back, then they get bigger again.

3. Flying isn't dangerous. Crashing is what's dangerous.

4. It's always better to be down here wishing you were up there than up
there wishing you were down here.

5. The ONLY time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.

6. The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to keep
the pilot cool. When it stops, you can actually watch the pilot start
sweating.

7. When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No one has ever collided
with the sky.

8. A 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. A 'great'
landing is one after which they can use the plane again.

9. Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make
all of them yourself.

10. You know you've landed with the wheels up if it takes full power to
taxi to the ramp.

11. The probability of survival is inversely proportional to the angle
of arrival. Large angle of arrival, small robability of survival and
vice versa.

12. Never let an aircraft take you somewhere your brain didn't get to
five minutes earlier.

13. Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everyone keeps talking about
might be another airplane going in the opposite direction. Reliable
sources also report that mountains have been known to hide out in
clouds.

14. Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the
number of take offs you've made.

15. There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing.
Unfortunately no one knows what they are.

16. You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience.
The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of
luck.

17. Helicopters can't fly; they're just so ugly the earth repels them.

18. If all you can see out of the window is ground that's going round
and round and all you can hear is commotion coming from the passenger
compartment, things are not at all as they should be.

19. In the ongoing battle between objects made of aluminium going
hundreds of miles per hour and the ground going zero miles per hour, the
ground has yet to lose.

20. Good judgment comes from experience. Unfortunately, the experience
usually comes from bad judgment.

21. It's always a good idea to keep the pointy end going forward as much
as possible.

22. Keep looking around. There's always something you've missed.

23. Remember, gravity is not just a good idea. It's the law. And it's
not subject to repeal.

24. The three most useless things to a pilot are "altitude above you",
"runway behind you", and "air in the fuel tanks".

And then there are the three most dangerous things in Aviation
1.Pilot with tools
2.Engineer at the controls
3.A politician with a great idea...

**MSTRS:Me** · 18th May 2007, 16:54

Originally Posted by Swoop

....
3.A politician with a great idea...

Shudder...seen a bit of that lately

**Ronin** · 18th May 2007, 18:17

Originally Posted by Grub

Here's one I expected to see there (true story)...

A busy foggy rushour morning ...
Tower (Female controller): Garuda 224 taxi runway 34 via left turn onto taxiway Bravo and Stub Xray.
Garuda 224: Taxiway Bravo to Runway 34, Garuda 224.

... whereupon Garuda turned right onto Bravo and came face to face with a B737. Aircraft don't have reverse gear.

Tower: Garuda 224, I told you to turn LEFT onto Bravo!!! Now look at what you've done! The whole of the taxiway system is blocked because of your stupidity!!! Can't you follow simple instructions!!! Don't you dare move another inch until I can get this mess sorted out ..... and you will be the last aircraft away once it is settled ... !!!!!!

Unknown: ... Wasn't I married to you once? ...

Wow, a repost within a post.

Very restrained sniper