(On going to war over religion) "You're basically
killing each other to see who's got the better imaginary friend."
(On the difference between men and women) "On the
one hand, we'll never experience childbirth. On the
other hand, we can open all our own jars."
"And God said: 'Let there be Satan, so people don't
blame everything on me. And let there be lawyers, so
people don't blame everything on Satan.'"
"What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate
men everywhere? 'Hold my purse.'"
"The Web brings people together because no matter
what kind of a twisted sexual mutant you happen to be,
you've got millions of pals out there. Type in 'Find
people that have sex with goats that are on fire' and
you'll get the prompt: 'Specify type of goat.'"
"Luge strategy? Lie flat and try not to die."
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can
fake whole relationships."
"There are only two reasons to sit in the back row
of an airplane: Either you have diarrhea, or you're
anxious to meet people who do."
"My girlfriend always laughs during sex - no matter
what she's reading."
"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or
where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter
how bad it is."
"My cousin just died. He was only 19. He got stung
by a bee - the natural enemy of a tightrope walker."
"Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can
fake that, you're in."
"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a
sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men
dressed like black pimps."
"Things you'll never hear a woman say: 'My, what an attractive
scrotum!'"
"I read somewhere that 77 per cent of all the mentally
ill live in poverty. Actually, I'm more intrigued by
the 23 per cent who are apparently doing quite well
for themselves."
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