The Perfect Dump.
Every once in a while everyone experiences the perfect dump. It's rare
but a real thing of beauty. You sit down expecting the worst, but what
you get is a smooth sliding, fartless masterpiece that breaks the
water with the splashless grace of an Olympic high-diving champion.
You use the toilet tissue to find that it was totally unnecessary. It
makes you feel that all is right in the world and that you are in
perfect harmony with it.
The Beer Dump.
Nasty! Depends upon the dumper's tolerance and is the result of too
many beers - doesn't matter if it was 2 or 22. What you get is a
sinister, lengthy noisy dump accompanied by an odious malevolent fog
that could close the bathroom for days. Naked flames are ill
advised.....
The Chilli Dump (a.k.a. the Japanese Flag).
Hot when it goes in and napalm when it comes out. This dump makes the
bowl look like Hiroshima (after the bomb), it stays with you all day
stinging your ring and generally making your choccie starfish feel
like the Shuttle's heat shield. Also makes your ass look like "a
Japanese Flag".
The Empty Roll Dump.
Relief - you've finished and reach for the tissue only to find An
empty cardboard cylinder staring back at you. Panic overcomes you. You
could use the curtains but then someone would ask where are the
curtains?" Use the rug? Nah, too bulky and cumbersome. You then come
to the same conclusion that every "empty roll dumper " must
face.....pull up your kecks tighten your cheeks and shuffle yourself
to the nearest loo roll. Failing that you could always use your
shirt-tail or one of your socks!
The Splash Back Dump.
This one drops like a depth charge creating a column of cold water
That washes your sphincter with a startlingly unpleasant shock. Now
you are wet - and embarrassed if the column of water went half way up
your back. Tip of the day: blot instead of wiping.
The Childbirth Dump.
This one is just too big to go through the aperture provided by nature
for this purpose. You sit there thinking over your dilemma. First it
hurts, and then gets no better. You sweat violently and wonder if
you'll ever see your loved ones again. You imagine the newspaper
headlines screaming "Man dies trying to hatch monster loaf!" There are
only three things you can do: 1. Scream 2. Call an Obstetrician 3.
Hope to hell you've got some Vaseline to help you get through it.
The Machine Gun Dump.
Best utilised in public conveniences. You sit there in sublime peace
when suddenly you emit a group of noisy gassy bursts that break the
tranquillity like machine gun fire. The guy in the next cubicle hits
the floor like a Vietnam veteran, cradling his umbrella like an M16.
The Sound Effect Dump.
You feel a noisy one coming on but relatives, friends or work mates
are within earshot. So, you must employ some clever techniques to
cover the disgusting sounds you are about to emit. Timing is of the
essence. At the precise moment of release, try the following:
1. Flush the toilet,
2. Drop loose change on the floor,
3. Sing the first two stanzas of your favourite opera.
The Cling-On Dump.
You've finished but there's one damn morsel that refuses to drop. You
grip the seat with both hands and wriggle. You twist and pump but the
little bastard just hangs there, suspended, clinging like a canned
peach between you and the water below. If only you had some
scissors....
The Whole Roll Dump.
No matter how much you wipe, it just isn't enough. You blow the whole
roll and have to flush at least a dozen times. The whole episode is
consumer waste.
The Encore Dump.
Ahhh, you've done, so you wipe, dress, flush, wash hands and are About
to leave the auditorium when you feel another dump coming on. You must
therefore return for a curtain call. The world record is seven
encores......
The Houdini Dump.
You go, you stand to flush and it has disappeared! Did it creep down
the pipe or did you dream the whole thing? Should you flush? Oh yes as
you can guarantee that if you don't, it will reappear and smile at the
next person who comes in.
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