A few more...
A tourist arrived in Australia, hired a car and set off for the outback. On his way he saw a farmer having sex with a sheep. Deeply horrified, he pulled up at the nearest pub and ordered a straight Scotch.
Just as he was about to take a slug, he saw a man with one leg masturbating furiously at the bar.
"For f*ck's sake!" the tourist cried, "what the hell's going on here? I've only been here an hour and I've seen a farmer shagging a sheep, and now that man's wanking himself off in the bar!"
"Take it easy, mate," the bartender told him, "you can't expect a bloke with only one leg to catch a sheep."
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Once upon a time, in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny rabbit and an orphaned snake. By a surprising coincidence, both were blind from birth.
One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down. This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit.
"Oh, my," said the bunny, "I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I've been blind since birth, so, I can't see where I'm going. In fact, since I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what I am."
"It's quite ok," replied the snake. "Actually, my story is as yours. I too have been blind since birth, and also never knew my mother. Tell you what, maybe I could slither all over you, and work out what you are so at least you'll have that going for you."
"Oh, that would be wonderful" replied the bunny.
So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, "Well, you're covered with soft fur, you have really long ears, your nose twitches, and you have a soft cottony tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny rabbit."
"Oh, thank you, thank you," cried the bunny, in obvious excitement. The bunny suggested to the snake, "Maybe I could feel you all over with my paw, and help you the same way that you've helped me."
So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked, "Well, you're smooth and slippery, and you have a forked tongue, no backbone and no balls"
"Yeah? So what do you reckon I am?"
"I'd say you must be either a team leader, supervisor or possibly someone in senior management."
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Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for Six days. Eventually, Michael the Archangel found him, resting on the seventh day. He inquired of God, "Where have you been?"
God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look Michael, look what I've made." Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"
"It's a planet, replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance".
"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.
God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth.
"For example, Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while Southern Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot."
"Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people" God continued, pointing to different countries. "And over there, I call this place America.
North America will be rich and powerful and cold, while South America will be poor, and hot and friendly. And the little spot in the middle is Central America which is a Hot spot. Can you see the balance?"
"Yes" said the Archangel, impressed by Gods work, then he pointed to a smallish land mass and asked, "What's that one?"
"Ah" said God. "That's New Zealand, the most glorious place on Earth. There are beautiful mountains, rainforests, rivers, streams and an exquisite coast line. The people are good looking, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found traveling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard-working and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace. I'm also going to give them super- human, undefeatable, strong in character citizens who will be admired and feared by all who come across them".
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then exclaimed, "You said there will be BALANCE!"
God replied wisely. "Wait until you see the buggers I'm putting next to them"
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A motorcycle officer stops a vehicle that has ran a red light. The driver is a real jerk and comes running back to the officer and asks why he is being harassed by the Gestapo and the officer calmly tells the driver of the red light violation.
The driver goes into a tirade, and questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual orientation etc. The officer takes it all in professional stride, writes the ticket and places an "AH" in the bottom right hand corner - Narration.
The officer hands the driver the ticket and requests a signature. The driver angrily signs the ticket and notices the "AH" and demands to know what that is for.
The officer removes his mirror like sunglasses and gets in the driver's face and in a low voice says "So that when we get in court in three months time, I can remember that you are an arsehole!"
Three months later, in court, the driver has hired a lawyer, as his driving record is not what you would call perfect, and he expects to lose his licence.
The officer gives his evidence on the driver running a red light. Then
under cross examination, the driver's lawyer asks if this is the ticket the officer had issued.
"Yes, this is the defendant's copy of the ticket I issued" states the
officer.
Lawyer then asks " Is there any particular marking or notation on this ticket that you don't normally make?"
The officer says "Yes in the bottom right hand corner, in the Narrative box, is the AH underlined."
Lawyer "What does the AH stand for, officer?"
Officer " Aggressive and Hostile."
Lawyer " Are you sure?"
Officer " Yes sir."
Lawyer " Are you sure that it doesn't stand for arsehole?"
Officer " Well sir, I am sure you know your client better than I do."
Yes, I am pedantic about spelling and grammar so get used to it!
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Originally Posted by Beemer
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