canarlee's joke of the day thread

[deanohit]

There were these twins, Jim and John. Jim was the owner of an old dilapidated boat. It just so happened that John's wife died the same day Jim's boat sank.

A few days later, a kindly old woman saw Jim and mistaking him for John said "I'm sorry to hear about your loss. You must feel terrible."

Jim, thinking she was talking about his boat said "Fact is I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the beginning. Her bottoms was all shriveled up and she smelled like an old dead fish. She was always losing her water, she had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, the hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy.

I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to these four guys looking for a good time. I warned them she wasn't very good, but they wanted to use her anyhow. The fools all tried to get in her at once and she split right up the middle"

The old woman fainted.

[canarlee]

A young man called Peter invited his mother for dinner, during the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how handsome Peter's flatmate, Simon, was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Peter and his flatmate than met the eye. Reading his mums thoughts, Peter volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Simon & I are just flatmates". About a week later, Simon came to Peter saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the frying pan, you don't suppose she took it do you?" "Well I doubt it, but I'll email her just to be sure" said Paul. So he sat down and wrote: DEAR MOTHER, I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU "DID" TAKE THE FRYING PAN FROM MY HOUSE, I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU "DID NOT" TAKE THE FRYING PAN, BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT IT HAS BEEN MISSING EVER SINCE YOU WERE HERE FOR DINNER. LOVE PETER Several days later, Paul received an email from his mother which read: DEAR SON, I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU "DO" SLEEP WITH SIMON, AND I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU "DO NOT" SLEEP WITH SIMON, BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT IF HE WAS SLEEPING IN HIS OWN BED, HE WOULD HAVE FOUND THE FRYING PAN BY NOW. LOVE MUM

[canarlee]

3 men sitting in a sauna, heard a bleeping sound. the american pressed his arm & bleep stopped. that was my pager, i have a microchip in my arm... phone rings, japanese man puts palm to his ear ... that was my mobile, i have a chip in hand. irish man not to be outdone, went to toilet, came back toilet paper hanging from his ar$e. the others stared at him... bjasus, will you look at that, i'm getting a fax...

[canarlee]

DON'T FART IN BED >>> >>> If this story doesn't make you cry for laughing so hard, let me >>> know and I'll pray for you. >>> This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years. >>> The only friction in there marriage was the husband's habit of farting >>> loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and >>> the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air. Every >>> morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it >>> was >>> making her sick. >>> He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She >>> told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that one day he would blow >>> his guts out. >>> The years went by and he continued to rip them out! >>> Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for >>> dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where >>> she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the >>> spare parts and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and >>> went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling >>> back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his >>> underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts. Some >>> time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which >>> was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic >>> footsteps as he ran into the bathroom. >>> The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor >>> laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she >>> had >>> got him back pretty good. >>> About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his blood >>> stained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip >> as >>> she asked him what was the matter. >>> He said, "Honey, you were right. All these years you have warned me >>> and I didn't listen to you." "What do you mean?" asked his wife. >>> "Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my >>> guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, >>> some Vaseline, and two fingers, I think I got most of them back >>> in."

[canarlee]

Our local strawberry picking contest was won by a woman with no legs.. ..Jammy Tw4t

[canarlee]

Guy comes to work with a swish looking hoxton fin. 'Nice haircut' his mate says, 'I can never get mine to look quite so good - what's your secret?' All I do is rub my head between my girlfriends breasts, and voila. Over the weekend, then both back to work monday, with identical hairstyles. Tried your styling idea, he says - it works really well - thanks for that oh, and by the way, love the new decor in your house too.....

[MSTRS:Me]

Our local strawberry picking contest was won by a woman with no legs.. ..Jammy Tw4t

...and you thought those strawberries were 'choc dipped'

[canarlee]

A guy is driving around Dublin when he sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog For Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador sitting there. "You talk?" he asks. "Yes," the Lab replies. "So, what's the story?" The Lab looks up and says: "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the Garda about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running." "But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security wandering near suspicious characters and listening in." "I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a load of puppies, and now I'm just retired." The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. "Ten euros," the man says. "Ten euros? This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?" "Because he's a liar. He never did any of that shite

[canarlee]

Guy walks into the doctors and says "Dr. every time I guff, it makes a really weird noise" "Go on then" says the doc., let her rip and let's have a listen" So the guy bends over, cranks his left leg to get some decent back-pressure and lets out a massive seat-ripper.... The doctor nearly falls off his chair as the bloke's arse shouts "HONDA" and all the windows in the examination room rattle off their hinges. "Aha!" cries the doctor....."you have a serious problem, you have a rectal abcess!" "What do you mean?" says the guy "Everybody knows that abcess makes the fart go Honda!" Coat....hat....TAXI!

[canarlee]

In the year 2006 , the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in New Zealand, and said, "Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans." He gave Noah the CAD drawings, saying, "You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights." Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard - but no Ark. "Noah!" He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?" "Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed. I needed Building Regulations Approval. I've been arguing with the Fire Brigade about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbours claim that I should have obtained planning permission for building the Ark in my garden because it is development of the site even though in my view it is a temporary structure. We had to go to appeal to the Secretary of State for a decision. Then the Department of Transport demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it. Getting the wood was another problem. All the decent trees have Tree Preservation Orders on them and we live in a Site of Special Scientific Interest set up in order to protect the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go! When I started gathering the animals, the RSPCA sued me. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodation was too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space. Then the County Council, the Environment Agency ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an Flood Risk Assessment on your proposed flood. I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Equal Opportunities Commission on how many BMEs I'm supposed to hire for my building team. The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire Only CSCS accredited workers with Ark-building experience. To make matters worse, Customs and Excise seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species. So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to Finish this Ark." Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you're not going to destroy the world?" "No," said the Lord. "The government beat me to it."

[canarlee]

First-year students at Med School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them, "In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body." As an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse withdrew it and stuck it in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing", he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes. But eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and Sucking on it. When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and told them - "The second most important quality is "Observation'". "I stuck my middle finger in, and sucked on my index finger." "Now learn to pay attention."

[canarlee]

A Guys Story One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me." I said, "WHAT??!! What was that?!" So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear... "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?" Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep. The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big un-named department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, "Lets get a pair for each outfit." We went on to the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier." I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it." Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, "WHAT?" I then said, "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?" Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that bitch knows I'm smarter than her.

[canarlee]

Whats the difference between a seriously intense french kiss, and oral sex? Ones a full-blown tongue job, the others a full-tongue blow job.

[canarlee]

A farmer is sitting in the neighborhood bar getting pi55ed. A man comes in and asks the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?" Farmer: Some things you just can't explain. Man: So what happened that's so horrible? Farmer: Well, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked over the bucket. Man: Ok, but that's not so bad. Farmer: Some things you just can't explain. Man: So what happened then? Farmer: I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left. Man: and then? Farmer: Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket. Man: Again? Farmer: Some things you just can't explain. Man: So, what did you do then? Farmer: I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right. Man: and then? Farmer: Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as got the bucket about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail. Man: Hmmm... Farmer: Some things you just can't explain. Man: So, what did you do? Farmer: Well, I didn't have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in.....

[canarlee]

A man enters a barbershop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks. "I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum." The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes, the client asks in garbled speech, "And what if I swallow it?" "No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."