canarlee's joke of the day thread

**canarlee** · 31st May 2007, 09:47

An Amish boy and his father rode into town to visit a new shopping mall. All that they saw had them reeling in amazement, but the one thing that really caught their eye was a pair of shiny "walls' that could slide open and close effortlessly shut again. The boy looked at his father and asked,"What is this thing, father?" Having never seen an elevator before, the old man responded: 'son, I have never seen anything like this in my life. I don't know what it is." At that moment, a fat lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady moved between them into a small room. The walls then closed, and the boy and his father watched in awe as a series of semi-circular numbers above the walls lit up sequentially. They continued to stare as the numbers lit in reverse order. Finally the walls opened again and a gorgeous, voluptuous blonde woman stepped out. Without taking his eyes off the young woman, the father said quietly: 'son, go get your mother ""

**canarlee** · 31st May 2007, 09:49

Two blonde girls were working for the city public works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind her and fill the hole in. They worked up one side of the street, then down the other,then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one girl digging a hole, the other girl filling it in again. An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, "I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting into your work, but I don't get it-why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?" The hole digger wiped her brow and sighed, "Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally athree-person team. But today, the girl who plants the trees ... called in sick."

**canarlee** · 31st May 2007, 09:50

Man decides to throw a fancy dress party were the guests come as an emotion. So on the big night, the door bell rings and a woman in a tight pink leotard with a feather boa, is standing there. On asking which emotion she is she replys "I'm tickled pink" "O very good come inside" Door bell goes again and a man dressed in green is there. "I'm green with envy" is his reply on being asked which emotion he is and he is asked to come in. Next the time the door bell goes two West Indians are stood there both totally starkers. One with his JT in a bowl of custard the other with the same organ stuck in a pear. "Good God" the host replied "What the hell have you come as". "Well now, I am fooking dis-custard and my friend has come in dis pair"

**canarlee** · 31st May 2007, 09:51

An irishman....
is in a taxi in Liverpool heading for the airport and ultimately home to Dublin. As its rush hour they get stuck in a traffic jam. 'Tell u what kid' said the scouse taxi driver,'Why don't we have a game to pass the time' 'Good oidea' says the Irishman. At this the taxi driver turns his rear view mirror so that it points to himself and says: 'Brothers and sisters I have none, but that man there is my fathers son'. After what seems like ages the irishman gives in unable to solve the riddle. 'Well its me isn't it' says the taxi driver,'think about it...brothers and sisters I have none but that man there is my fathers son'. 'Oh yeah' says the irishman.'Oi'm gonna remember that for lads back home' later that night after several pints of guiness, the irishman asks for a mirror. the barmiad brings him one and he says confidently' anyone who guesses this oi'll buy their beer for the rest of the night' with this the irishman points the mirror to himself and says' brothers and sisters i have none, but that man there is my fathers son' One by one his pals give in unable to break the riddle. 'yer f***in eejits' says the irishman,'its a taxi driver from Liverpool'

**canarlee** · 31st May 2007, 09:52

Two blonde girls walk into a department store. They walk up to the perfume counter and pick up a sample bottle. Nancy sprays it on her wrist and smells it, "That's quite nice, don't you think, Kathy?" Kathy takes a sniff and replies, "That is nice. What's it called?" "Viens a moi," replies Nancy. "Viens a moi? What the heck does that mean?" At this stage the assistant offers some help. "Viens a moi, ladies, means 'come to me' in French." Nancy takes another sniff, then offers her arm to Kathy again, and remarks, "That doesn't smell like come to me. Does that smell like come to you?"

**canarlee** · 31st May 2007, 09:52

These two starving bums are walking through an alley when one of them sees a dead cat. He runs over, sits down and starts to eat the cat, tearing the meat from its limbs. He says to the other bum, "Hey, I know you're hungry, too. Why don't you eat some of this cat?" "Hell no!!!" replies the second bum, "That cat's been dead for days, he's all stiff and cold and smelly!" The first bum says, "Okay, suit yourself," and continues to eat everything, skin, muscle, guts, all but the skeleton. A few hours later as they are walking down the street the first bum says, "Oh, I don't feel so good. I think there might have been something wrong with that cat." And just then, he pukes up a huge puddle of rotten cat flesh and guts with stomach bile mixed in, all half digested and looking like mush. The second bum sits down next to the puddle and says, "Now you're talkin'! It's been months since I had a WARM meal!!!"

**canarlee** · 31st May 2007, 09:53

A pub landlord is shutting up for the night when there is a knock at the door. When he answers, a Tramp asks him for a tooth-pick. He gives him the toothpick and the tramp goes off. A few minutes later there is a second knock. When he answers, there is a second Tramp who also asks for a toothpick. He gets his toothpick and off he goes. There is a third knock at the door, and a third Tramp. The landlord says, "Don't tell me, you want a toothpick too." "No, a straw," says the Tramp. The landlord gives him a straw but is curious as to why he wants it, so he asks the Tramp why he wants a straw and not a toothpick. To which the Tramp replies, "Some bloke just threw up outside but all the good stuff's gone already".

**canarlee** · 31st May 2007, 09:55

This farmer has 500 hens but no rooster so he goes to his neighbor and asks him if he could buy a rooster for $100. The neighbor says, "You can have this rooster. His name's Roy. He'll get all your hens pregnant. He's a real stud." So the farmer takes him home and says, "It's your first day so take it slow, okay?" The farmer puts Roy in the hen house and then hears all the hens crying and yelling. Roy nailed every one of those hens and then nailed a duck and a goose at a pond. The next morning the farmer finds Roy lying dead with his legs sticking in the air and buzzards circling overhead. The farmer says, "Roy, did you have to die?" Roy says "Quiet! They're about to land!"

**canarlee** · 31st May 2007, 09:55

After attending a party for his boss, the life of the party was nursing a king-size hangover and asked his wife, "What the hell happened last night?" "As usual, you made an ass of yourself in front of your boss," replied the wife. "Piss on him," answered the husband. "You did," said the wife, "and he fired you." "Well, fuck him," said the husband. "I did, and you go back to work in the morning."

**canarlee** · 31st May 2007, 09:56

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep. Pretty soon all the other bats smelt the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to piss off and let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in. "OK, follow me, "he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest of trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him. "Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked. " YES, YES, YES!! " the bats all screamed in a frenzy. " Good! " said the first bat, " Because I bloody didn't!

**canarlee** · 2nd June 2007, 11:39

and on we go again

A school teacher tells her class to make up a little poem using thier name and what they want to do when they grow up. after 10 minutes she asks for their poems to be read out. she points to Dan and asks him to recite his poem. Dan clears his throat and recites his poem, "my name is Dan, when i grow up im going to drive a van, if i can,maybe" "well done Dan" says the teacher and then points to Stan for his poem. Stan stands up and recites his poem. "hi my name is Stan, when i grow up i want to live in Japan, if i can,maybe." once again the teacher thanks the pupil and points to Sadie. Sadie giggles,blushes slightly and recites her poem. "Hello my name is Sadie, when i grow up im going to have a baby, if i can,maybe. Sadie sits down to sniggers from all the boys, the teacher then points to Paul for his recital. Paul nonchantly gets to his feet and starts, "Well my name is Paul, when i grow up im going to do fuck all, im not driving a van like Dan, or going to live in Japan like Stan, im going to fuck Sadie, give her a baby, not maybe i am.

**canarlee** · 2nd June 2007, 11:40

ive just got back from a muslim birthday party. fuck me........................................ ive never seen pass the parcel over so quickly.

**canarlee** · 2nd June 2007, 11:41

What you call a paki that shags sheep?? Ram-a-lamb!!!

**canarlee** · 2nd June 2007, 11:42

A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day there he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection. The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, "Did you call for me?" The man replies, "No, what do you mean?" She says, "You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me." Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her. The man continues to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the sauna and as he sits down, he farts. Within minutes a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam room toward him, " Did you call for me?" says the hairy man. "No, what do you mean?" says the newcomer. "You must be new," says the hairy man, "it's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me." The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him. The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist, "May I help you?" she says. The man yells, "Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the $250 membership fee." "But, Sir," she replies, "you've only been here for a few hours. You haven't had the chance to see all our facilities." The man replies, "Listen lady, I'm 68 years old. I only get an erection once a month. I fart 15 times a day ."