canarlee's joke of the day thread

[canarlee]

If I had a rooster and you had a donkey and your donkey ate my rooster's legs, what would have?



Two feet of cock in your arse.

[canarlee]

A man who recently had a sex-change operation was talking to his former buddies at work about the operation. "Was it painful?" someone asked. "Well," she said. "There was one part that was extremely painful." "I bet I know what part was so painful," someone else said. "I bet it was when they cut off your balls," they said. "No," she said. "I was heavily sedated and didn't feel a thing." "Then it must have been when they cut off your pecker," another person offered. "No," she said. "I was sedated then too, and didn't feel anything." "Then what part of the operation was so painful?" They wanted to know. "Well," she said. "After they were done cutting, they stuck a straw in my ear and sucked out half of my brains."

[canarlee]

whats the diference between PMT and BSE ? ones ........mad cows desease. and the other is to do with cattle

[canarlee]

As a woman passes her daughter's closed bedroom door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter giving herself a real workout with a vibrator. Shocked, she asked, "What in the world are you doing?!" The daughter replied, "Mum, I'm 35 years old, unmarried, and this is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. So please go away and leave me alone!" The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz coming from the other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he observed his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator. To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter said, 'dad, I'm 35 years old, unmarried, and this is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband, so please, go away and leave me alone!" A couple of days later, the wife came home from a shopping trip, placed the groceries on the kitchen table, and heard that buzzing noise coming from, of all places, the living room? She entered, and observed her husband sitting on the couch, sipping a cold beer, and staring at the TV. The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy. The wife asked, "What are you doing?" The husband replied, "I'm watching the footy with my son-in-law."

[canarlee]

Three guys die and go to hell. When they arrive the devil informs them that he is going to remove their penises. "Oh, how are you going to do it," asks one of the guys. "Whatever your father's jobs were, that's how I'll remove them," says the devil. So he calls over the first guy, "Your father was a lumberjack... So I'll cut it off with a saw." To the second guy he says, "Your father was a blacksmith... So I'm going to burn it off." As he calls the third guy over he notices he's smiling. "Why are you smiling? You just watched me remove your friends penises," says the devil. "I know," replies the man, "but my father was a lollipop maker."

[canarlee]

A young fella is brought home to meet the folks. His girl greets him at the door and says, "I'm sorry, I'm running late. Please come in and I'll introduce you to my folks. And I, uhh, forgot tell you, they're both deaf mutes." With this she ushers him into the living room, introduces him to her parents and promptly disappears. As you can imagine this is a little uncomfortable as both of the parents are completely silent. Dad is sitting in his arm chair watching golf on TV, and Mum is busy knitting. After about ten minutes of complete silence, Mum jumps from her chair, pulls up her skirt, pulls down her panties, and pours a glass of water over her ass. Just as suddenly, Dad launches himself across the room, bends her over the couch, and takes her from behind. He then sits back down in his chair and balances a match stick in front of his eye. The room is plunged back into eerie silence and the young man is shocked into disbelief. After a further ten minutes, the daughter returns fully dressed and ready for the evening. The date is a complete disaster with the young man completely distracted by the on goings earlier in the living room. At the end of the night, the girl asks, "What's the matter? Have I done something wrong?" "No, it's not you," he replied, "It's just that the strangest thing happened while I was waiting for you and I am still a bit shocked. "Well, first your Mother jumps from her chair, lifts up her skirt, pulls down her panties, and throws a glass of water over her behind. "Then, as if that weren't enough, your Father races from his chair, leans her over the couch and does her from behind. He then sits back down and places a match stick by his eye." "Oh, is that all?" replies the girl. The man can't believe her casual response. The girl explains. "Mum was simply saying, 'Are you going to get this assh*le a drink?' and Dad was replying, 'No, f*ck him - I'm watching the match."

[canarlee]

A Taupo wife bored with her dull hubby, decides to buy her first vibrator. Goes into sex shop and studies row of vibrators arranged in increasing size along the wall. Eyes widening she says eagerly to shopkeeper 'I'll have that big one on the end!' 'No, madam, that's the fire extinguisher.'

[canarlee]

A blonde was driving home after work, and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to the repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun. He told her just to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out. So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her car's tailpipe. Nothing happened. She blew a little harder, and still nothing happened. Her roommate, another blonde, came home and said, "What are you doing?" The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tailpipe in order to get all the dents to pop out. Her roommate rolled her eyes and said... "HELLLLOWW ... You gotta close the windowwwws..."

[canarlee]

It was entertainment night at the senior's center and the Amazing Claude was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff. As Claude went to the front of the meeting room, he announced, "Unlike most hypnotists who invite two or three people up here to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience." The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, " Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..." The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces. "Shit!" said the Hypnotist.







.... It took three weeks to clean up the senior's center.

[canarlee]

Whats worse than a dead dog on your piano?


An infected pussy on your organ

[canarlee]

these two blokes
were playing a round of golf. They got held up by two women playing v.slowly ahead of them, like they do. One bloke says 'I'll go and ask those women if we can play through.' Gets half way then hurries back. 'Sorry, can't do it, one is my wife and one is my mistress.' Other bloke says 'OK, I'll do it.' Gets half way and hurries back. 'Snap.'

[Steam]

Wait wait, it's supposed to be ONE joke. Canarlee's JOKE of the day. Not the whole fracking book! Stop!

[canarlee]

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin." "What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?" "Well, Husband 1 was a sales representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be. Husband 2 was in software services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me. Husband 3 was from field services; he said everything checked out diagnostically, but he just couldn't get the system up. Husband 4 was in telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver. Husband 5 was an engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method. Husband 6 was from finance and administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not. Husband 7 was in marketing; although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it. Husband 8 was a psychologist; all he ever did was talk about it. Husband 9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it. Husband 10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!" "Good," said the new husband, "but, why?" "You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

[canarlee]

Wait wait, it's supposed to be ONE joke. Canarlee's JOKE of the day. Not the whole fracking book! Stop!

aww cmon most of em are funny........................aint they?


oh and where do i use a capital c in my username?


ive just been thinking about this, one minute i get a bollocking from the moderators about posting a single joke on a thread and posting lots of threads so i put them all on one thread then you Steam start having a go, what the fuck am i meant to do?

[Flatcap]

Well, I found it a good read while I ate my lunch of red hot chilli

....time for a lager....