canarlee's joke of the day thread

[canarlee]

Woman steps out of the shower only to slip on the wet tiles and become stuck to the floor like a limpet with her lower lady bits!!!Upon trying to free herself for 5/10 minutes she calls to her husband for assistance. Hubby also tries for 5/10 mins to help her to her feet however she is stuck firm and will not budge. After putting a towel round her he calls next door for Jimmy to come and give him a hand. Jimmy and the husband both haul and try to free the woman without success. "There's only one way we are going to free your wife", states Jimmy, "And that's to crack the tile she's stuck to." The husband shouts, "Wait a minute" and rushes into the kitchen returning with a bottle of Fairy Liquid squirting it all over the bathroom floor. "What the hell are you at?" shouts Jimmy. "Well" says the husband, "if we're going to crack tiles we'll slide her into the kitchen, the tiles are cheaper in there."





oh and i dont care if they are repeats coz they are new to me

[canarlee]

Jesus was at the last supper with all his disciples when he suddenly stands up and says," I will now turn this jug of water into wine."


"No you bloody won't" cries Judas, "You'll throw £20.00 into the centre of the table like everyone else."

[canarlee]

Police car pulls over a motorist and asks him to get out of his car. Asking the driver to accompany him to the rear of the vehicle he points out the car has a defective brake light.


Looking at the rear of the car the motorist starts wailing, crying and drops to his knees banging his fists on the ground.


The cop says,"Look sir I'm just pointing out your brake light isn't working, I'm not fining you."


"Fuck the brake light", cries the motorist, "Where the hell is my caravan?"

[canarlee]

A trucker who has been out on the road for two weeks stops at a brothel outside Atlanta. He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says, "I want your ugliest woman and a grilled cheese sandwich!"


The Madam is astonished. "But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my finest ladies and a three-course meal."


The trucker replies, "Listen Darlin, I ain't horny. I'm homesick."

[canarlee]

I called the local ramblers association today bloody hell the bloke who answered went on and on and on...

[canarlee]

Bill and Ned walk into a fast food joint one afternoon to get lunch. Bill orders and the cashier gives him his meal. Ned goes up to order and the cashier greets him with "Hello Ned! How are you? Hey everybody! Ned's here!" Everybody in the restaurant comes up and says hello to Ned. After everyone has greeted him, Bill and Ned sit down and begin to eat.

"Ned, you're pretty popular!" says Bill. "I'm the most popular man in the world," says Ned.


"Now Ned," says Bill, your pretty popular but you're not the most popular man in the world."


"Oh yeah," Ned replies "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I'm friends with anybody you can name!"


"That so?" answers Bill, "How about the President of the United States?"


"Let's go!" says Ned.


The two fly to Washington and knock on the front door of the White House. The president answers, "Ned! How are you doing? I haven't seen you in ages!" The three go play a round of golf and then leave.


"That was luck!" says Bill, "Two thousand says your not friends with the Queen of England!"


"Let's go!" says Ned.


The two fly to Buckingham Palace and, sure enough, are greeted by the Queen. ''Hello Ned my boy! What have you been up to these days?" They enter the palace and have some tea and leave.


Frustrated, Bill says, "Double or nothing, you don't know the Pope!"


"No problem!" says Ned, "Let's go!"


When they get to the Vatican, Ned instructs Bill to wait outside and Ned will come out on the balcony with his arm around the Pope. After a while, a crowd gathers to hear the Pope speak. And as told by Ned, when the Pope came out, Ned's arm was wrapped around him. Ned looks down from the balcony and see's Bill passed out on the ground. He rushes down and wakes him up.


"Bill! Bill! Wake up!" Bill opens his eyes and says,


"Ned. You really are the most popular man in the world."


"I told you that, Bill," says Ned, "but you didn't faint when I knew the President and you didn't faint when I knew the Queen!"


"Well I was shocked that you knew the Pope," says Bill. "But I just couldn't take it when the guy next to me tapped me on the shoulder and said "Who's that up there with Ned?"

[canarlee]

A blonde went to electronic store and she asked, "How is much is this TV?"

The salesman said, "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes."


The next day she came back as a brunette. She asked the salesman how much the TV was. He said, "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes."


The next day she came back as a red head and asked the salesman how much the TV was. He said, "Sorry we don't sell to blondes."


She replied, " I came in here as a brunette and a red head. How do you know I am a blonde?"

"Because that is not a TV, it's a microwave."

[deanohit]

You know you have a high sperm count when your girlfriend has to chew before she swallows!

[canarlee]

Two men are on opposite sides of the earth. One is walking a tightrope. The other is getting a blowjob by a 90-year-old woman.

What have they got in common?


They're both thinking, "Don't look down."

[canarlee]

A lady walked into a bar and there were no seats available, except for one at a table that was occupied by a man, so she decides to take it.

He said, "Hello, my name is Jim Snow, what's yours?"


Curtly the woman replied, "June."


She went to get a drink and Jim Snow sat there smiling at her. When she came back he was still sat there smiling.


June was a little embarrassed, so she bashfully said, "Why are you smiling at me like that?"


Jim answered, "Well, I'm just imagining what it would be like to have 9 inches of Snow in June!"

[canarlee]

one for the ladies

In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill.


Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber.


"I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces.


"The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant.


It's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only hope.

Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain yourselves."


The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?"


The doctor quickly responded, " $5 , 000 for

a male brain, and $ 200 for a female brain."


The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked. A man unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask,


"Why is the male brain so much more?"


The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've actually been used."


YEAH RIGHT!!!!!!!!!

[deanohit]

a horney midget walks into a bar and sees this gorgeus woman at the bar.he decides to try the direct approach.he walks up to her and asks 'hey honey,whaddaya say to a little fuck?'.she looks down at him an replies 'Hello you little fuck!'

[deanohit]

a guy sees a good lookin bird in the pub,so he downs his beer,plucks up his courage and approaches her.he walks over an says 'hello there,I'm mike.'she then shouts 'no i wont sleep with you tonight!' every one looks,and ashamed he slinks back to his seat.5 minutes later she comes over an says 'sorry about that,i'm studying psycology and am gauging peoples reactions to difficult situations."he then shouts 'what do you mean $200!'

[canarlee]

Wife in bedroom looks in full length mirror, says to hubby: 'I'm fat, ugly and a minger. Say something nice to me.'------------------------------------------------------ Hubby: 'You've got great eyesight.'-----------------------------------------------------

[deanohit]

Two cowboys were out on the range talking about their favorite sex positions.

One said, "I think I enjoy the rodeo position the best."

"I don't think I've ever heard of that one," said the other cowboy. "What is it?"

"Well, it's where you get your wife down on all fours and you mount her from behind. Then you reach around and cup each one of her breasts in your hands and whisper in her ear, 'Boy, these feel just like your sister's.' "

"Then you try and stay on for 8 seconds."