Space man

[canarlee]

A spaceman called Richard, or Dick to his family and friends, was chosen for an extra special space mission which had a 50/50 chance of success. As a result, the closer it came to the launch date, Richard became more and more disenchanted with the whole idea until the night before the launch when he collapsed in tears in front of his wife. "I can't do it" he cried, "I just can't do it, I know it will end in failure and I'll never see you or the kids again." "Don't be silly", replied his good lady, "they've taken all the necessary precautions and you'll be okay, anyway you have to go, all the country, the town and your family and friends will be so let down if you don't." "I can't and I won't", says Richard, "they can't make me." "In that case I'll go instead" says the wife, "I know all about the mission as you have told me so much about it, I'll put your suit and helmet on tomorrow morning and they'll not know until I'm up there." Knowing his wife always gets her way he doesn't argue and goes to bed. Next morning the space agency bus arrives to pick up Richard and take him to the launch pad. A suited and helmeted figure emerges from the house and gets into the bus. An hour later the rocket takes off and heads skywards however 10 mins into the flight Richard's premonition holds true and the capsule and rocket part company with the latter heading off into space and disaster and the capsule floating back down to earth. It crash lands on a deserted island and there is a flurry of activity to locate the vessel and rescue the astronaut. Eventually it is found and a rescue team pull the astronaut out of the capsule and start to resuscitate her by massaging her breasts. Richards wife starts to come to and moans, "Dick, Dick where's my Dick" whereby a rescue team member replies, "Never mind your dick son we're still trying to get your balls back in place."

[canarlee]

A 7 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom.

"You know what?" says the 7 year old, "I think it's about time we started swearing." The 4 year old nods his head in approval. "When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm going to swear first, then you swear after me, ok?" "OK" the 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm. The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 7 year old what he wants for breakfast. "Oh, shit mum, I guess I'll have some Coco Pops" WHACK!! He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got up, and ran upstairs crying his eyes out. She looked at the 4 year old and asked with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?" "I don't know," he blubbers, "but it won't be fucking Coco Pops."

[canarlee]

It's annual superheroes new years party. Batman and Spiderman are chatting. All of a sudden the Hulk rushes in all red and perplexed. "Whats up?" asked Batman? "Well I was upstairs looking for the toilet and I passed the bedroom and saw Wonder Women naked on the bed and moaning and groaning. Well I started feeling randy and thought what the hell and jumped on top of her!" "Was she surprised?" asked Spiderman. "Yes, but not half as surprised as The Invisible Man!"

[canarlee]

Concerned about her relationship, a woman approaches her doctor and says, "Doc, I'm getting married this weekend and my fiance thinks I'm a virgin & I'm not! Is there anything you can do to help me?" The doctor says, "Medically, no, but here's something you can try. On the wedding night, when you're getting ready for bed, take an elastic band and slide it to your upper thigh. When your husband puts it in, snap the elastic band and tell him it's your virginity snapping." The woman loves this idea and knows her hubby will fall for this. They have a beautiful wedding and retire to the honeymoon suite. The wife gets ready for bed in the bathroom, slips the elastic band up her leg, finishes preparing and climbs into bed with her man. Things begin to progress - her hubby "slips it in" and just then she snaps the elastic band. The hubby asks, "What the heck was that?" The wife explains, "Oh nothing honey, that was just my virginity snapping." The husband cries out, "Well snap it again, it's got my balls!"

[canarlee]

A lady walked into a chemists and told the pharmacist she needed some cyanide right away. The pharmacist naturally was concerned by such a request and asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?" The lady then explained that she needed it to poison her husband. The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license. They'll throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad things will happen! Absolutely not"you cannot have any cyanide!" The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well, now. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

[canarlee]

for the ladies



A FIREMAN came home from work one day and told his wife, "You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station: BELL 1 rings and we all put on our jackets, BELL 2 rings and we all slide down the pole, BELL 3 rings and we're on the fire truck ready to go. "From now on when I say BELL 1, I want you to strip naked. When say BELL 2, I want you to jump in bed. And when I say BELL 3, we are going to make love all night." The next night he came home from work and yelled, "BELL 1!" The wife promptly took all her clothes off. When he yelled "BELL 2!", the wife jumped into bed. When he yelled "BELL 3!", they began making love. After a few minutes the wife yelled "BELL 4!" "What the hell is BELL 4?" asked the husband? "ROLL OUT MORE HOSE," she replied, "YOU'RE NOWHERE NEAR THE FIRE."

[canarlee]

A guy is walking along the strip in Las Vegas and a knockout looking Vegas hooker catches his eye. He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks the Hooker, "How much do you charge?" Hooker replies, "It starts at $500 for a hand-job." Guy says, "$500 dollars! For a hand-job! Holy crap. No hand-job is worth that kind of money!" The hooker says, "Do you see that Denny's on the corner?" "Yes." "Do you see the Denny's about a block further down?" "Yes." "And beyond that, do you see that third Denny's?" "Yes." "Well," says the hooker, smiling invitingly, "I own those. And, I own them because I give a hand-job that's worth $500." Guy says, "What the hell? You only live once. I'll give it a try." They retire to a nearby motel. A short time later, the guy is sitting on the bed realizing that He just experienced the hand-job of a lifetime, worth every bit of $500. He is so amazed, he says, "I suppose a blow-job is $1,000?" The hooker replies, "$1,500." "I wouldn't pay that for a blow-job!" The hooker replies, "Step over here to the window, big boy. Do you see that casino just across the Street? I own that casino outright. And I own it because I give a blow-job that's worth every cent of $1,500." The guy, basking in the afterglow of that terrific Hand-job, decides to put off the new car for another year or so, and says, "Sign me up." Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than before. He can scarcely believe it but he feels he truly got his money's worth. He decides to dip into the retirement savings for one glorious and unforgettable experience. He asks the hooker, "How much for some pussy?" The hooker says, "Come over here to the window, I want to show you something. Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas is laid out before us, all those beautiful lights, gambling palaces, and show places?" "Damn!" the guy says, in awe, "You own the whole city?" "No," the hooker replies, "but I would if I had a pussy."

[canarlee]

A family of 3 women were prostitutes. Mum charges £60 a blow job. Daughter charges £80 a blow job. And Grandma's just glad of a warm drink



ok ok i know.............

[canarlee]

Stevie Wonder is playing his 1st gig in China and the place is packed to the rafters. In a bid to break the ice he asks if anyone has a request. One chap jumps out of his seat in the 1st row and shouts at the top of his voice "Play a jazz chord! Play a jazz chord!" Amazed that this guy knows about the jazz influences in Stevie's career, the blind impresario starts to play an E minor scale and then goes into a difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes. When he finishes the whole place goes wild. The chap jumps out of his seat again and shouts "No, no, play a Jazz chord, play a jazz chord". A bit cheesed off by this, Stevie, being the professional he is, dives straight in to a jazz improvisation with his band around the B flat minor chord and really tears the place apart. The crowd go ballistic with this impromptu show of his musical expertise. But, still the little Chinese man jumps up again and shouts "No, no. Play a jazz chord, play a jazz chord". Stevie is really cheesed off now that this chap doesn't seem to appreciate his playing ability and shouts to him from the stage " OK - smart alec, you get up here and do it". The little bloke climbs onto the stage, takes hold of the mike and starts to sing... , , , , , , , , " - a jazz chord to say, I ruv you..."

[canarlee]

Once Stevie Wonder has finished, Cliff Richard joins the stage to sing a few tunes. After the Young Ones, Cliff asks for requests. A woman shouts "Itchy Fanny!!" Cliff, blushing, ignores the lady and sings Living Doll, to which he recieves more applause. He once again asks for another request and once again the lady shouts out "Itchy Fanny, sing Itchy Fanny". Cliff is going a bit red as the ladies friend has joined in, so he goes over to the ladies and trying to be polite says, "Sorry?" The ladies say "sing Itchy Fanny!" "I'm sorry, that's not one of mine" replies Cliff "It is, sing Itchy Fanny" reply the ladies "Well what's it go like?" asks Cliff ..... ..... ..... ..... "Itchy Fanny, that we don't talk anymore......"

[canarlee]

another one for the ladies



One day a man comes down stairs to find his wife cooking breakfast, as the man sits drinking a cup of coffee his wife shouts out, "MAKE LOVE TO ME NOW" the man not wanting to shirk his commitments duly obliges and when he's done enquires as to the suddenness of the impromptu romp, to which his wife informs him the egg timers broken and that breakfast is ready !!

[canarlee]

yet more for the ladies!!!



Harry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide that she'll become a hooker. She's not quite sure what to do, so Harry says, "Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him that you charge a hundred pounds. If you got a question, I'll be parked around the corner." She's standing there for 5 minutes when a guy pulls up and asks, "How much?" She says, "A hundred pounds." He says, "All I got is thirty". She says, "Hold on," and runs back to Harry and asks, "What can he get for thirty?" "A hand job", Harry replies. She runs back and tells the guy all he gets for thirty pounds is a hand job. He agrees. She gets in the car. He unzips his pants, and out pops this HUGE penis. She stares at it for a minute, and then says, "I'll be right back." She runs back to Harry, and asks, "Can you loan this guy seventy quid?"

[canarlee]

A jeweller notices a tramp walking in to his shop and shuffling over into a corner. The tramp then proceeds to drop his trousers and starts fingering his own arse. Outraged the jeweller strides over and requests that the tramp stop immediately and removes himself from the premises. The tramp says, "Listen mate your sign in the window states I am allowed to come in here and do what I am doing." Perplexed the jeweller says there is no such sign in his window however the tramps retorts indignantly, "There is, it plainly says in your window, "Come inside and pick your ring in complete comfort."

[canarlee]

One winter morning while listening to the radio, Bob and his blonde wife hear the announcer say, "We are going to have 4-6 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowplough can get through." Bob's wife goes out and moves her car. A week later, while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 6-8 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowplough can get through." Bob's wife goes out and moves her car again. The next week they are having breakfast again when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 8-10 inches of snow today. You must park..." then the electric power goes out. Bob's wife is very upset, and with a worried look on her face she says, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the plough can get through?" With the love and understanding in his voice like all men who are married to blondes exhibit, Bob says, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"

[canarlee]

A blonde goes on "Who wants to be a Millionaire." Chris: "Barbara, you've done very well so far - £500,000 and one lifeline left -- phone a friend. The next question will give you the top prize of One Million pounds if you get it right ... but if you get it wrong you will drop back to £32,000 -- are you ready?" Barbara: "Sure, I'll have a go!" Chris: "Which of the following birds does not build it's own nest? Is it........ A-Robin B-Sparrow C-Cuckoo D-Thrush Remember Barbara its worth 1 Million pounds." "I think I know who it..but I'm not 100%... No, I haven't got a clue. I'd like to phone a friend Chris, just to be sure. Chris: "Yes, who, Barbara, do you want to phone? Barbara: "I'll phone my friend Maggie back home in Birmingham." (ringing) Maggie (also a blonde): "Hello..." Chris: "Hello Maggie, its Chris Tarrant here from Who Wants to be a Millionaire-I have Barbara here and she is doing really well on £500,000, but needs your help to be a Million. The next voice you hear will be Barbara's and she'll read you the question. There are 4 possible answers and 1 correct answer and you have 30 seconds to answer -- fire away Barbara." Barbara: "Maggie, which of the following birds does not build it's own nest? Is it: A-Robin B-Sparrow C-Cuckoo D-Thrush" Maggie: "Oh Gees, Barbara that's simple.....It's a Cuckoo." Barbara: "You think?" Maggie: "I'm sure." Barbara: " Thanks Maggie." (hangs up) Chris: "Well, do you want to stick on £500,000 or play on for the Million, Barbara?" Barbara: "I want to play, I'll go with C-Cuckoo" Chris: "Is that your final answer?" Barbara: "It is." Chris: "Are you confident?" Barbara: "Yes fairly, Maggie's a sound bet." Chris: "Barbara.....you had £500,000 and you said C-Cuckoo ...you're right! - You have just won ONE MILLION POUNDS. Here is your cheque. You have been a great contestant and a real gambler. Audience please put your hands together for Barbara." (clapping) That night Barbara calls round to Maggie and brings her down to a local bar for a celebration drink and, as they are sipping their Champagne, Barbara turns to Maggie and asks "Tell me Maggie, How in God's name did you know that it was the Cuckoo that does not build its own nest? Maggie: "Listen Barbara, everybody knows that a Cuckoo lives in a clock."