The Real News

[Ocean1]

The following are actual news excerpts from the African press in
South Africa, Swaziland, Kenya and Zimbabwe.

1. The Cape Times (Cape Town)

"I have promised to keep his identity confidential,' said Jack
Maxim, a spokeswoman for the Sandton Sun Hotel, Johannesburg, "but I
can confirm that he is no longer in our employment". "We asked him
to clean the lifts and he spent four days on the job. When I asked him why, he replied: 'Well, there are forty of them, two on each floor, and sometimes
some of them aren't there'.

Eventually, we realised that he thought each floor had a different lift, and he'd cleaned the same two twelve times. "We had to let him go. It seemed best all round.

I understand he is now working for GE Lighting."

2. The Star (Johannesburg):

"The situation is absolutely under control," Transport Minister
Ephraem Magagula told the Swaziland parliament in Mbabane. "Our
nation's merchant navy is perfectly safe. We just don't know where it is, that's all." Replying to an MP's question, Minister Magagula admitted that
the landlocked country had completely lost track of its only ship, the
Swazimar: "We believe it is in a sea somewhere."

"At one time, we sent a team of men to look for it, but there was a
problem with drink and they failed to find it, and so, technically,
yes, we've lost it a bit. But I categorically reject all suggestions of incompetence on the part of this government. The Swazimar is a big ship painted in the sort of nice bright colours you can see at night. Mark my words, it will turn up."

"The right honourable gentleman opposite is a very naughty man, and
he will laugh on the other side of his face when my ship comes in."

3. The Standard (Kenya):

"What is all the fuss about?" Weseka Sambu asked a hastily convened
news conference at Jomo Kenyatta International Airport. "A technical
hitch like this could have happened anywhere in the world. You people are not patriots. You just want to cause trouble."

Sambu, a spokesman for Kenya Airways, was speaking after the
cancellation of a through flight from Kisumu, via Jomo Kenyatta, to Berlin: "The forty-two passengers had boarded the plane ready for take-off, when the pilot noticed one of the tyres was flat. Kenya Airways did not
possess a spare tyre, and unfortunately the airport nitrogen canister was empty.

A passenger suggested taking the tyre to a petrol station for inflation, but unluckily the jack had gone missing so we couldn't get the wheel off.
Our engineers tried heroically to reinflate the tyre with a bicycle
pump, but had no luck, and the pilot even blew into the valve with his
mouth, but he passed out.

"When I announced that the flight had to be abandoned, one of the passengers, Mr Mutu, suddenly struck me about the face with a life-jacket whistle and said we were a national disgrace. I told him he was being ridiculous, and that there was to be another flight in a fortnight. And, in the meantime, he would be able to enjoy the scenery around Kisumu, albeit at his own expense."

4. From a Zimbabwean newspaper:

While transporting mental patients from Harare to Bulawayo, the bus
driver stopped at a roadside shebeen (beerhall) for a few beers.
When he got back to his vehicle, he found it empty, with the 20 patients
nowhere to be seen.

Realizing the trouble he was in if the truth were uncovered, he halted his bus at the next bus stop and offered lifts to those in the queue. Letting 20 people board, he then shut the doors and drove straight to the Bulawayo mental hospital, where he hastily handed over his 'charges', warning the nurses that they were particularly excitable.

Staff removed the furious passengers; it was three days later that
suspicions were roused by the consistency of stories from the 20.

As for the real patients: nothing more has been heard of them and
they have apparently blended comfortably back into Zimbabwean society.

[Edbear]

[jafar]

There's one born every minute they say

[007XX]

Oh my...the African Darwin awards! Excellent!!!!

Very good Mr Ocean, as usual...

[Steam]

Claim: A collection of humorous articles from the African press.
Status: False.

http://www.snopes.com/humor/jokes/africa.asp

[Ocean1]

Claim: A collection of humorous articles from the African press.
Status: False.

http://www.snopes.com/humor/jokes/africa.asp

The establishment shall not be held responsible for the veracity of it's various patrons’ claims, verbal or written. The establishment prides itself on the quantity and ease of access of gibberish offered but is legally constrained from any comments whatsoever as to it’s quality, artistic merit or indeed olfactory texture. Inmates wishing to express unfavourable comments about the nature or content of the above gibberish should post them to the following address:




.

[Swoop]

An apology from Zimbabwe farmers.

With all the turmoil in Zimbabwe right now, this was posted on a related
website, but I guess it could be applied to just about anywhere in the
world.

A WHITE RHODESIAN'S APOLOGIES.
We white Rhodesians wish to make a confession. We confess our sins
Against the black people of Zimbabwe (and those of our forefathers), which are
outlined in detail below-

1. We apologise for giving them doctors, new hospitals, medical services
that enabled them to survive plagues, disasters and to multiply into
uncountable numbers.

2. We apologise for teaching them to read and write the English language
and even for putting their own languages down in writing for them. We
even taught them mathematics and built hundreds (if not thousands) of schools
for them even rebuilding and repairing same when they were burnt down.

3. We apologise for building factories and shops, which gave them work.
We apologise for taking them into our houses to work, giving them food
And even paying them.

4. We apologise for building farms out of barren bush and gardens from
which we fed them (and virtually the rest of Africa).

5. We apologise for giving them clothes and shoes instead of leaving
them in the animal skins they wore before we found them wandering aimlessly
around the plains, mountains and valleys.

6. We apologise for extracting minerals from below the earth, minerals
which had always been there but were unknown to the local inhabitants. We
apologise for paying them to work in these mines.

7. We apologise for those among us who established charity organisations
to feed and clothe them, while they themselves never knew the meaning of
charity.

8. We apologise for building a network of roads all over the country
which they now use to give Africa one of the highest road accident rates in
the world.

9. We apologise for building huge dams, which keep them supplied with
fresh water, even in times of drought.

10. We apologise for paying the lion's share of the countries tax burden
while spending the least upon ourselves.

For all these evil sins we most humble beg forgiveness, and if they will
only accept our apologies, we will gladly take back all of the above mentioned evil deeds and leave them where we found them.

[ZeroIndex]

Claim: A collection of humorous articles from the African press.
Status: False.

http://www.snopes.com/humor/jokes/africa.asp

I'll have to disagree to an extent... African South Africans aren't the brightest, and I'm not talking about skin colour...