Kinky sex?

[canarlee]

Man says to wife i fancy kinky sex, how about i come in your ear? she says no, i mite go deaf! he says ive been coming in your mouth for 20yrs & your still flippin talking.





oooh im gunna burn for that one

[canarlee]

A married couple driving home see a wounded skunk lying by the side of the road. the wife gets out & brings it back to the car. "its shivering, it must be cold, what should i do?" husband: "put it between your legs to keep it warm." wife: "what about the smell?" husband: "hold its flippin nose"...!

[canarlee]

ok ok heres one for the women

A woman once said that a man is like a deck of playing cards' you need a heart to love him a diamond to marry him a club to smash his flippin head in & a spade to bury the barstool

[canarlee]

another for the ladies!


A young man met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for $500. So they did. Before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but that he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT."
On the way to his office he regretted what he had promised, deciding that the whole event was not worth the price. So, he had his secretary send a check for $250 and enclosed the following note:

Dear Madam,
Enclosed find check in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon because when I rented the apartment I was under the impression that:
1) it had never been occupied;
2) that there was plenty of heat;
3) that it was small enough to make me cozy and feel at home. Last night, however, I found it had been previously occupied, that there was no heat,and it was entirely too large. Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for $250 with the following note:

Dear Sir,
First of all, I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is heat if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the apartment is, indeed, of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please don't blame the landlady!







or slightly different version..........




After attending the theater, two gentlemen were walking down the avenue when they observed a well dressed and attractive young lady walking ahead of them. One of them turned to the other and remarked, "I'd give $250.00 to spend the night with that woman."
Much to their surprise, the young lady overheard and replied, "I'll take you up on that offer."
She had a neat appearance and a pleasant voice, so after bidding his companion good night, the man accompanied the young lady to her apartment. The following morning the man presented her with $125.00 as he prepared to leave. She demanded the rest of the money, stating
"If you don't give me the other $125.00, I'll sue you for it."
He laughed, saying "I'd like to see you get it on these grounds."

The next day he was surprised when he received a summons ordering his presence in court as a defendant in a lawsuit. He hurried to his lawyer and explained the details of the case. His lawyer said "She can't possibly get a judgment against you on such grounds, but it will be interesting to see how her case will be presented."
After the usual preliminaries, the lady's lawyer addressed the court as follows:
"Your honor, my client, is the owner of a piece of property, a garden spot, surrounded by a profuse growth of shrubbery, which property she agreed to rent to the defendant for a specified length of time for the sum of $250.00. The defendant took possession of the property, used it extensively for the purposes for which it was rented, but upon evacuating the premises, he paid only $125.00, one-half of the amount agreed upon. The rent wasn't excessive, since it is restricted property, and we ask judgment be granted against the defendant to assure payment of the balance."

The defendant's lawyer was impressed and amused by the way his opponent had presented the case. His defense, therefore was somewhat different from the way originally planned to present it.

"Your honor," he said, "My client agrees that the lady has a fine piece of property, that he did rent such property for a time, and a degree of pleasure was derived from the transaction. However, my client found a well on the property around which he placed his own stones, sunk a shaft, and erected a pump, all labor performed personally by him. We claim these improvements to the property were sufficient to offset the unpaid amount, and that the plaintiff was adequately compensated for the rental of said property. We, therefore, ask that judgment not be granted."

The young lady's lawyer answered thus "Your honor, my client agrees that the defendant did find a well on her property. However, had the defendant not known that the well existed, he would never have rented the property. Also, upon evacuating the premises, the defendant removed the stones, pulled out the shaft, and took the pump with him. In doing so, he not only dragged the equipment through the shrubbery, but left the hole much larger than it was prior to his occupancy, making the property much less desirable to others. We, therefore, ask that judgment be granted."

In the Judge's decision, he provided for two options:
"Pay the $125.00 or have the equipment detached and provided to the plaintiff for damages."The defendant wrote a check immediately!

[canarlee]

A female loves to golf with her husband, but her game could improve, so she decides to take private lessons. The wife goes for her lesson. The pro watches her swing and says,
"No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard."
"What can I do?" asks the wife.
"Hold the club gently, just like you'd hold your husband's penis."
The wife takes the advice, swings & Thump. The ball goes straight down the fairway...about 15 ft.
"That was great," the pro says with a straight face.
"Now, take the club out of your mouth and swing it like you're supposed to!"

[janno]

Well aren't you fair and reasonable!

Two for the guys and two for the girls.

Bling to you, good sir . . .

[canarlee]

not for the squemish this one!!!

why is a pork pie like a pensioners fanny?


















cos you have to bite off the crust and lick out the jelly before you get to the meat!

[canarlee]

Well aren't you fair and reasonable!

Two for the guys and two for the girls.

Bling to you, good sir . . .

well i do my best!!!


and thankyou

[kevfromcoro]

this isnt a joke,, its true story,,,,had to go to the doctors yestereday,, to have a prostrate test...thats where the doc sticks his finger up your arse,...ok says the doc...drop your pants and bend over....wasnt to bad.. felt his finger go in my backside... then i realised he had both hands on my shoulder.....