Give me your analogies

[Mom]

pulls like a school boy

The Stranger knows that feeling

[Skyryder]

As a bike needs two wheels a cock needs.............................. a stop. Ha Ha that fooled ya all.


Skyryder

[Drum]

What was it Marc Ellis said?

Oh yeah.......

Sweating like a rapist.

Shocker!

[babyblade250rr]

As honest as a used car salesman

[98tls]

Sticks out more than a third ball on a greyhound........

[babyblade250rr]

Sticks out more than a third ball on a greyhound........

nice! havn't herd that before but NICE!

[KoroJ]

tighter than a nuns c***

.....in church!

[KoroJ]

As slow as a wet week.

[kiwifruit]

it was like throwing a cocktail sausage down a corridor

twas like throwing a cocktail sausage down spa road on rubbish day

[Krusti]

Felt like a spare prick in a brothel

[Storm]

As much use as tits on a bull
Rougher than hessian undies
Couldnt pull a needle out of his arse with a bulldozer
Slicker than a politicians promise

[TerminalAddict]

couldn't find his way out of a paper bag with a map

[Maha]

With teeth like that he could eat a pie through a pickett fence...

With teeth like that she could an apple through a tennis racket...

Fuck shes got a face on her like a busted onion...

[gijoe1313]

The situation was uglier than a hat full of arseholes....not only was the crowd getting ugly, my date looked worse. Before I looked up, all was blurry - turns out it was the bottom of the glass. I waited till time took on that doctor's room effect and looked back at her, bingo, her sleazy looks now took on the look of a Hilton bump stop (you don't get to bump till you've paid the parking fee).

I gave her the look over, much as a man dying of thirst in the desert does to a mirage that always seems over the next dune. She had more curves than a plate of spaghetti and a lop-sided grin that would do a the leaning tower of Pisa proud.

Bugger. A goombah that seemed to have King Kong as a parent gave me the look now. His gaze was intimidating, but more-so since it was cylcopean, peering out of his face that only a blind mother could love - he sauntered over with the grace that an elephant in a tutu didn't have.

With a breath like an egyptian mummy he rasped "Where's the money?"
I was staggered. Not by the breath, but that a knuckle-dragger like yours truly could string together a sentence like my grannie's knitting.

"I'm skint. Paying the Bills. That's Bill my parole officer, Bill in the betting shop and your missus for the shag the other night."

The reply went over his head like a boy vaulting a fence after his girlfriend's dad caught playing happy families with his daughter.

With this exchange of witty repartee, I decided I better call on my friend Colt. He had nine reasons to help get rid of this missing link in evolution and he spelt it out in numerals and captials. Point four five, A, C and P.

After a lively chinese firework drill, the mook got the point several times and I left my legless date in the bar,she'd taken to making friends with the floor after my impromptu cabaret show. As I left I took in the night, it was pitch black and darker than a fallen preacher's soul - guess I won't be welcome in town anymore after that, I've said my goodbyes and will be blowing the joint like a hippy on his last spliff. Slow and with nothing else in mind.

[Sanx]

As charming as a rabid pitbull.
Uglier than the arse end of a bus.
As exciting as an accountancy seminar.

And a couple of KB specials:
As ugly as a Gixxer.
As well-built as a Harley.
As honest as a traffic cop.
As reliable as a Ducati.
And ... as gay as Boomer.