Children of divorce

[ManDownUnder]

Hey I see the threads on divorce, the unfairness of it all, the process, payments etc, and it's very obviously related to a topic - one VERY dear to my heart.

What is written below is my personal experience. It in no way implies anyone in here will experience the same, or inflict same on their kids. My reason for writing is to simply lay cards on the table that can open some eyes to the possible effects of divorce - especially one handled in a less than perfect manner.

Credit where it's due first - I'm 100% certain my parents did the best they knew how. They are both good people, I get on with them both very well to this day...

Children of divorce - the expurgated version.
I was 13, sitting in the lounge one afternoon with my brother and sister and could hear Mum and Dad working through something... voices were not loud... forcibly hushed is how I would describe it.

The door opened and Mum and Dad were standing there, and simply said things had come to an end, and each of us needed to choose if we were going with Mum or staying with Dad. A life changing decision on the back of my world being torn asunder... there and then, on the spot.

So... we chose. My siblings went with Mum, I stayed with Dad. My rationale was a very simple one - Mum was the one that had done something wrong... 'nuff said.

Looking back, I spent the next few months growing rapidly. My father was an emotional puddle. I remember well seeing him cry quietly in his office under the stairs, in the house he'd slaved to earn and own. That house became a bitter monument to his familial failure. He needed someone to care for him - so I did. No option. Looking back I now see I went from being my father's son, to my father's father. The effects of that are still being uncovered, but I can assure you they were widespread and very well hidden. Over the next few years I completed school and got a job, moved in with Mum and my Step-Father to be (who I naturally had a falling out with... what are new Step-Father's for... poor sods...).

Mum spoke ill of my father, saying she shouldn't have married him (causing anxiety for me.. "I might never have been born!"), marry your equal... she didn't and she paid the price etc. Nothing said "your father is a good man". That was a key omission. He was quite naturally my role model... someone I am genetically predisposed to be like... and he's "no good". Not good for the fragile ego of a teen. I could go on, but will resist the urge to complete this book... my point is simple...

If you find yourself in the unfortunate position of separating, please consider the kids... I would personally say above all else although I realise mine will be a heavily biased view. Don't underestimate the medium and long term fallout that will impact the kids. They need answers (I still do), and honest ones. Put the emotion aside and speak to the facts. Consider the future events too. Little things like Christmas. Don't save the big meal "for when the kids are there"... the poor kids have to eat two or three hearty meals and go home feeling truly ill... about to leak from every orifice.

Birthdays the same. 21st birthday is a goody... who puts on the party - what flavour of party (the divorced parents often grow apart and change lifestyles so where there would have been a family style party... there is now going to be a more conservative one, and a less conservative one.) Likewise graduations, weddings of the kids etc. Both parents were there for these very important days for me, and I am eternally grateful to them for it.

THE highlight of my wedding day was to see my father actually talking to my step-father... both smoke - both had been ostracised accordingly... and they simply chose to put things aside, and move on. I quite literally have the photo.

It's those little things that make up the memories of my past.... far beyond the divorce itself, but all heavily flavoured by it.

All I ask is you tread very carefully, and seek advice to see what you could or should do in handling this... for the kids. It will pay dividends bigger than you will ever know. You'll also avoid heartache for those kids... a lot of heartache.

MDU over and under

[Mom]

I am also the result of a "broken home". My parents separated when I was 16 and just before my brother turned 15. I left home at 16, as I could no longer cope with life at home, as it was. I went nursing as they gave room and board as well as work.

My father left the house one Friday night. He was offered no option by my brother, or me. I had come home for a weekend off, took my brother to a school dance, went to my boyfriends place to kill time till I had to go and collect the lil Bro. Picked him up from school and came home to find my mother in bed, broken and bashed and my cocksure father blaming everything on her.......yes she had her issues, but PLEASE!!!!! This was not the first time, or even the second or third.

Very long story short here, my parents marraige was a nightmare from a childs perspective, dont even want to talk of it really. The effects have been far reaching and indeed devastating. My brother is a chronic depressive who really struggles with this life. I have had to cope with a sick Mother and deal with the fall out of that, I still do on a daily basis. I have dealt many times with my brother, who I cant actually help. My father is no longer alive.

My father once gave me some papers to read through (remember Mr cocksure here) he planned his leaving of our family, spent money, sold things, cashed out superannuation funds and hid the money, and beat the shit out of his wife and daughter in the meantime....fuck I could go on and on, and then he waited till his kids were old enough so he did not have to support them!

Oh seems I have had a vent!.........LOL

If you are not happy, be honest with yourself and move on. I am a fine one to talk here mind, I was married for 22 years, knew things were not right and stayed. Your kids are number one. No easy or gentle way to take away the mummy and daddy thing, no matter if it was good or bad, just take the time to ensure that the welfare of your children come first!! Pity of it is that emotions usually over ride the welfare of the kids......sigh......

the end!

Thank goodness I can hear you all say!....LOL

[98tls]

Great post and for me anyway it bought back a few memories....i was 6 when mine decided to go there seperate ways,a few years of worshipping the old man and listening to his bullshit about how bad the old girl was turned me into a real mum hater and spent the next 10 or so making her life hell.....sadly when i grew up i realized how wrong he was,looking back the thing that pisses me off the most was why would anyone bother lying to a 6 year old,crazy eh.

[Mom]

There are no lies told............I strongly believe that, it is where the head space of the person telling the tale is at to gauge the truth! My father told no lies to me. My personal child perspective of divorce is really clear. However my own divorce is a totally different story.......fuck us grown ups can be sooooooooo childish!!!

[kevfromcoro]

shit seems to be in the air at the moment.good post MDU.This thing sure stays with a person for a long time.

[Deviant Esq]

I'll throw my business card into the hat too. My parents seperated when I was 5, my younger sister was 3. It was a mess, and as I was a little kid I believed everything my useless mother filled my young head with. I hated Dad at the time, not knowing that she'd knowingly taken him to the cleaners, utterly destroying his life for years, even decades afterwards... but only much later did I learn that truth.

From my point of view it seems that the Father is the one who gets utterly shafted more often than not - all with the help of the IRD and government.

My life has definitely been greatly affected by the manner in which I was brought up and the turmoil around me. For some obvious reasons and some private ones, my personal choice is never to have children. Luckily for me my partner doesn't want them either. I hope she stays in that frame of mind.

[98tls]

There are no lies told............I strongly believe that, it is where the head space of the person telling the tale is at to gauge the truth! My father told no lies to me. My personal child perspective of divorce is really clear. However my own divorce is a totally different story.......fuck us grown ups can be sooooooooo childish!!!

Maybe not in your case mom but there definately was blatant lies told in mine.

[Deviant Esq]

Maybe not in your case mom but there definately was blatant lies told in mine.

And mine as well, they definitely were not truths in my mother's head. She deliberately fed us misinformation and lies so we thought less of our decent, hardworking, honest and above all honourable Father. It's all I can do to pretend to smile on the rare occasions when I see her. But I learnt the hard way that you never burn a bridge.

[peasea]

And mine as well, they definitely were not truths in my mother's head. She deliberately fed us misinformation and lies so we thought less of our decent, hardworking, honest and above all honourable Father. It's all I can do to pretend to smile on the rare occasions when I see her. But I learnt the hard way that you never burn a bridge.

Better to burn the ex.

[Conquiztador]

I am single father with 4 boys. Five years ago it all ended and I fought to get the kids. And i did. The reason was simple: I was/am the one who is stable.

My oldest is now 18 and he lived through it all understanding it all. He is my good mate. But I am not sure how much it has affected him. He tells me that he would never want to live with his mum. (Sometimes I wonder if that is because our house is a 100% male one, Hard Rock, not too tidy, toilet seat up. And bikes and bikes. He can also bring his mates around for a drink or two) But I think it has more to do with what she has been up to. He is too old and too clever to try and cover up stuff too. But it is not my job.

The three small ones have settled in well. This is their reality. Live with dad and see mum about every second w/e. They are happy, we have no issues and as far as I can judge the effect on them is minimal. But time will tell.

The fights between my ex and me are over. Water under the bridge. She will never be out of my life. We have kids together. (And she adores my new g/f...) I help her where I can. And she is starting to do well. The small ones love her heaps. The oldest. Not so sure. But there is a bond.

Kids know that we will never be a "family" again. And even if they sometimes say that they wish mum and dad would live at the same house they have accepted the reality.

I speak no evil of her to them. What does she say about me? No idea. I do not ask. As they grow older they will have to make up their own mind re what happened. I already now answer their questions thrutfully. But it is only one side of the story. The only thing I can do is my best. And I just have to hope that it is enough, because that is all I have.

Yes, I do realise that a break up of the parents will make an imprint on the childs life. But what are parents supposed to do? Live together unhappy for the kids? That is in many cases worse. And I am allowed a happy life too. Just because I have kids does not mean I have to forefit all happiness. Surely they rather have a happy dad then a miserable one living together with someone that he can not live with?

But I agree with you, there is many things to consider as the kids grow. The most important would be that whatever the two parents have that caused the split has nothing to do with the kids. The issues are between her and me, not the kids. And so when the kids are there we put everything aside. They deserve that.

Me and my ex are now as close as we can get. Friends would be pushing it (My definition of a friend is someone you trust, someone you like and someone you respect. Make two of these and I consider you a friend. She fails on all three counts...) And that is how it will stay.

But if there was no children, then I would have nothing to do with her.

[kevfromcoro]

Better to burn the ex.

As he said

[Mom]

Better to burn the ex.

As he said

See I totally disagree with you both! My ex-husband is the father of my children, I would not wish that on my ex! Mind, I dont love him anymore, I dont particularly like him either for what its worth, actually I dont like him at all! But, he is father to my babies (20, 18, 15). I still dont wish him harm.

[Colapop]

Staying together is the best thing for a failed marriage. I should know my parents did it for the sake of the kids. It was great fun. Having to bear the brunt of my father's anger towards my mother. God knows what I ever did to become the target of his displeasure. They had a wonderful time creating absolute misery for us. I grew up having to deal with many nights of of tears and anguish while they did everything they could for us.

I'm not going to apologise if I sound bitter. I farking am! The shit that I've spent years dealing with. None of it was my fault but I was sure made to feel like it was. I wonder whether I'm even going to be able to last in my own marriage - I doubt it.

By all means stay together or divorce do whatever you like. BUT whatever you do consider your kids. If it's something you're considering (lets face it, it doesn't happen overnight) there are social agencies and programmes out there to help you ease the trauma on your kids.

[Holy Roller]

Things are a bit different these days with more support for the kids.
My parents split when I was 5 Dad used to beat Mum regularly, I hated that and remember sleeping with a knife under my pillow determined to kill him if he made mum hurt again. As a divorcee mum was treated like trash in those days. The benefit only just went around for essentials. I remember school trips being forgone as there was no money to attend. Being teased caused my uniform did not fit right, being tall and skinny, trou held up with string.

I was placed in numerous foster homes even a health camp to help me put some weight on but in the official record it was stated that I was beyond help and there was nothing they could do for me. Mum had a series of mental breakdowns that meant more places to stay even got put into an orphanage for a while. That was not so bad as my grandmother was the washerwoman there so I got to see her each week.
When I was 12 yrs old Mum got pregnant to some old guy who was always sick. He came into the home to get better yeah right. Never got on with him as he was another violent type, reason revealed on his death bed but thats another story. He married my mum and adopted me and my two sisters. I had a name change to remove any association to my birth father just as I was starting high school, more teasing. Alcohol where ever I could find it was consumed in copious quantities building on what had started in primary school.

Step father turned extreemly violent towards me that I lived in fear of my life when he was well enough to confront me. I joined the Navy to escape after having mum try to find some place for me to go. My sister got married at 17 it failed after 6 months. The Navy did not do my drinking problem any good with it being as cheap as it was. Depression set in suicide contemplated and attempted only to deepen the depression. My girlfriend at the time was run over by a truck while I was at sea, she was burried months before I was able to get home. It was in this state that God found me and I had a helping hand up and out. I had become what I had vowed not to become, like my dad. Years later I find myself reacting from memories and habits formed from those days. The way I see life and respond to it is not always the best, concequences of the past. I have a great wife who sees through my crap and together we are giving our 5 kids a life that I never had the access to. My mum recently admitted that she never had any idea that us kids were affected so deeply by the split she thought that we were too young to have been affected.

Though I am who I am today because of what I went through. You are right.. divorce affects kids in so many ways, they are important even if one does not think so at the time.

Well thats another rant over feels good to have written this. I like that add that used to be on the telly... "don't judge me until you know me" so true.

[98tls]

Good post cola,i reckon if people are going to seperate then complete honesty with the kids is whats needed...kids are blooody resiliant,sure its going to hurt at first but feeding them shit thats has them all over the place emotionally does nothing but bugger them up for years.