Children of divorce

[Conquiztador]

Reading all these my eye-sight get a fraction foggy. Must be that stuff I am drinking...

The ones here that have posted re break ups in their childhood and the effect it has had on them, take pride that you are still here and functioning well.

To those who are about to break up and there are kids in the mix I would say: Do not stay there because of the kids. You deserve better. But remember that the kids have the right to love both parents! And never take that away from them! The kids will make up their own mind. And if you know that you did not do anything wrong, sooner or later the kids will know that too. (Then again, now 5 years on from my break up the "right or wrong" does not seem to matter that much to me anymore anyhow. Time...)

[007XX]

As usual MDU, excellent thread...

Got to admit, just reading some of the posts, my blood started boiling...not for anger of what was said, but for how much wrong people can impose on their children...I am a children of divorce too and both my parents were guilty of various things along the way, but I genuinely believe they tried...All I regret is my father marrying my stepmother as she and I never really got on and I then decided at 12 to return living with my mum. This proved not to be the best decision for different reasons...its another story.

When I realised that my first marriage was not to be a successful one, it took me 2 long years of agonising over how this was going to make me a bad mother, of how I should be staying for my baby's sake...and being thoroughly miserable in the process with a husband who fell well below par from anyone's standards of what a husband should be...I won't go into details as this is not something I like to think or talk about, but it was not good.

After 6 months of trying to get my son to even come and stay with me for one night, he would still not give me a chance, saying I was trying to steal my boy from him. All I wanted is as amiable a separation as possible.

Anyway, when I finally got enough courage to say enough was enough, the ex thought it was a good idea to push me around and come to blows with me in front of my (then) 4 year old baby boy...then proceed to lock me up in the garage...the moron forgot there was a phone in there and I called the cops on his sorry ass...

To this day, my son still remembers this event, even though it is blurry in his mind. And it still makes me cry to know that he remembers.

When my new husband and I married, my son was our ring bearer, and just before the end of the ceremony, we both gave him the gift of an amethyst to celebrate the formation of our new family...of the three of us being united. I'll never forget the look of pure joy and pride on his face.

Do protect your children against the possible ugliness that lurks in all of us and seem to come out at times of stress...
but also, DO NOT stay in a relationship just for the sake of the kids.

Sorry, rant over...I'm gone go and calm down somewhere...

[98tls]

JEZZZ dont start me on stepmothers,when i was about 8 my stepmother..the bitch from hell..well she was Australian at least said to me "the reason your father gets so angry with you is that every time he looks at you he sees your mother " no shit.

[Mom]

I am an awesome step mother!.........LOL


It took time and love and love and love and well time, 6 years down the track I reckon I have a fantastic relationship with my extra babies!

[Colapop]

Yeah but you're nice, Mom!!

[98tls]

I am an awesome step mother!.........LOL


It took time and love and love and love and well time, 6 years down the track I reckon I have a fantastic relationship with my extra babies!

Sure you are mom...wasnt generalising,every time i think of the bitch my blood boils...still.I struck out twice as my step father was a twat as well,he was only there every second month as he worked month on month off on the Milburn carrier cement boat,we used to dread him coming home,at 14 i knocked him out with a bottle of beer after he launched himself at the old girl,couple of months later mom finally got rid of him.

[Grahameeboy]

I think Nats will cope cause she has coped with her disability bloody well so far....

I am happy despite the crap......the brighter side is I get to spend quality time with Nats without being told what to do so I have that early opportunity to cement an already wonderful relationship with Nats who will really get to know me.

Crap can be flushed away and with dual flush in NZ I have 2 buttons...if that makes sense

[Lissa]

The weird thing with my relationship with my ex (we sep this year) is that I dont hate him, I dont wish him ill, I dont want to take him to the cleaners, I want him to be happy, and for the kids to be happy, I just dont love him, eight years of me being alone 90% of the time.. with the kids can change a person, eight years of being totally alone.. I mean living away from family and my ex having no friends, no hoildays, no life.... I contemplated staying for the kids.. infact for years thats what I feel I did. I feel like a failure.... but I also want for the first time in my parenthood to be a strong role model for my girls. Since we have seperated he certainly spends alot more time with the children then he has ever done before (I mean EVER)... and thats one good thing about it.

We never hardly had raised voices infront of the kids, or yelling matches. We have never said bad things about each other to the kids. We still talk, we help each other out. But its all too fresh and new to contemplate the future too much, I am just trying to make it easier on the kids.

Finally I know how it can work. Communication, putting the children above all else, and moving on, letting go of the negatives and enjoying the challenge of whats ahead.

Edit/ great post MDU. Is an eye opener.

Its sad that two parents cant get on, even though they have gone their seperate ways... just because you arent together anymore doesnt mean you stop being the childrens parents. Just makes me sad.

[007XX]

Finally I know how it can work. Communication, putting the children above all else, and moving on, letting go of the negatives and enjoying the challenge of whats ahead.
.

Halleluya to that...that's exactly right. Bling sent Chick...
*yeah, I'm back, sorry*

Anyhoos...I'm not Mother Theresa and I'm not trying to be, but someone no so long ago told me:
"stay true to yourself"
and I think that sums it up.

I'm happy to say that 6 years on, the ex and I are on amicable terms, his son having always been able to see him whenever he felt.
My stepmother and I have finally buried the hatchet, after 25 years of being at each other's throats...

Moral of the story: do what's right and time will work the rest out.

[Delerium]

Here's a goodun, youll love this.
After much bikering and fighting (I think the final straw was when my mum pulled a knife on my dad. He picked up a chair. Knife was put down) they split when I was about 4 or 5. The old lady used to flip her lid at me over the smallest thing, often not have her facts straight, ie I DIDNT do anything wrong, and did it so loud the neighbours could hear. The one that really pissed me off was when The guy she was trying to hook into didnt enjoy having a tired young kid around so picked me up by the collar dragged me outside, dropped me and kicked me while I was falling. I cracked my head on the stairs and bleed all over the show

Of course neither of tehm cme to see what the problem was and only realised that I was actually hurt 15 minutes later when they got sick of me crying. Anyway. After a massive blow up that involved Cryptic phone calls to me and the people looking after me one night when I was part of cadet forces, and her and my half sisters mother squabbling over the latest guy they were BOTH chasing into bed (another long story that ended badly) I bailed the day before my 6 form cert exams and moved in with my dad. In the few years before and after this my half sister was going through the same thing with my dad and her mum.


Soooo, I got to go through it twice while watching my sister deal with it the second time. I had nasty car accident shortly after and when dropping off my sister for my dad, her mum said, ' Iheard what happened to your car, how much did it cost you.' The she fucking LAUGHED, after I had worked my ass off for 5 years to buy that car. I havnt spoken to her or had anything to do with her since. It was a wake up call to my sister too, from that point she started to realise what her mother was like.

EDIT- thats the VERY abbreviated version.

[riffer]

It's just gone six years since my ex and I separated. We had the best of intentions but after six weeks I met Gini and my life changed (she's now my wife - fifth anniversary on 23/11).

I guess my ex expected that I was always going to be around and wouldn't get another girlfriend (let alone get married - she and I never had despite having two kids), and that she was going to have the best of both worlds - an ex 800 metres up the road to have the kids any time (we had a 3 days my house/4 days hers arrangement), she could party whenever she didn't have the kids and continue shagging my mate (who she ran off with - apparently it had been happening a while) and I would always be available whenever she wanted.

Anyway, it all turned to shit in the February when I announced we'd got engaged, and she got really septic. It started with her going to IRD for child support (although we had an arrangement where I paid the $900 a month childcare fees), withholding the kids, talking shit to the kids about Gini and I, withholding the kids access, and eventually going to family court and trying to get 100% access accusing us of abusing the kids.

It took two and a half years of fighting, 4 separate psychiatric evaluations, and nearly an entire year of not seeing the kids AT ALL (thanks Family Court - god I'd love to talk about that circus except its ILLEGAL to...) and $15,000 in lawyers fees, not to mention countless days off work, affadavits, and the near destruction of my marriage before we finally decided to give up.

And it seemed to work. While I wouldn't call the ex my friend, we seem to be able to get on now. Things were very strained for a while, but its been a year and a half now since the kids started coming back and surprise, surprise, there's no problems at all - if Family Court had their way I never would have seen them except under supervision.

And I put it all down to jealousy by my ex. What a waste of time, money, and effort. The kids are all okay now, but you know, we could all have done without it.

FWIW, my parents are still together today. They were married February 5, 1962.

[Lissa]

Anyhoos...I'm not Mother Theresa and I'm not trying to be, but someone no so long ago told me:
"stay true to yourself"
and I think that sums it up.

Moral of the story: do what's right and time will work the rest out.

Too right chick. I'm pretty much an optimist, I think as long as I have a healthy positive attitude and dont take MY feelings (guilt or frustration) out on my children or ex then only good things can happen. Ive seen a lot of single mums who are having a bad time of it for various reasons.. and I think that I am pretty much in a better position than most. I have alot to look forward to, my own house.. that I can decorate how I WANT it, buying stuff with out having to ask for it, a new job, my biking and a new/different relationship with my ex. But also growing closer to my family is the main plus.

[007XX]

Too right chick. I'm pretty much an optimist, I think as long as I have a healthy positive attitude and dont take MY feelings (guilt or frustration) out on my children or ex then only good things can happen. Ive seen a lot of single mums who are having a bad time of it for various reasons.. and I think that I am pretty much in a better position than most. I have alot to look forward to, my own house.. that I can decorate how I WANT it, a new job, my biking and a new/different relationship with my ex. But also growing closer to my family is the main plus.

Good for you mate...

One thing does show from this thread though...and that's just my observation:

Regardless of the gender of the parent, he or she can reduce himself/herself to incredible lows when it comes to hurting the other person...

Why do human beings have to be so cruel? Call me an idealist, but however hard it may be, noone should stoop to the depths of ugliness that we have all been talking about tonight...

I see broken men hating women, having lost everything, sometimes even their kids and having to face the long road of rebuilding their lives and their faith in maybe one day having a partner again.

I see battered wives hiding in shelters, hiding in fear for their and their children's welfare, having no show of being able to step out on the streets, and of course quite often without hope for a job, as showing their face in public could mean getting their lives at risk.

I try really hard to see the good in people, but I have to admit that sometimes, I despair as to whether the human race is worth believing in...

[chanceyy]

thank you for sharing your stories guys .. it makes me even more convinced that I made a good choice in deciding not to have kids .. love them for sure but with shit that goes on in ya childhood .. how it impacts on you later in life is pretty telling

I guess in some respects I am lucky .. both my parents have been together over 50 yrs .. so I am not a product of a broken home ...

however I am adopted & my mother has used that against me for many many yrs .. I certainly would never want a child to ever know how it feels to be rejected on soo many levels by those who are supose to love you unconditionally.. but that is another story

just really wanted to acknowledge the level of sharing that is in this thread already .. congrats to you all who have overcome your past & become damn decent ppl in your own right

[Sanx]

I can't really comment on a lot of this as my parents have been together for the last 36 years (four years before I was born), I don't have any children and I'm getting married in January.

However ... I do remember asking my parents when I was quite young (maybe seven or eight) if they were going to get divorced. I don't think anything at home happened to make me ask this question; was more likely yet another classmate of mine was going through it.

I still remember the answer my mother gave me, with a semi-amused glance at my father: "No, we're not. We haven't got the time". For some reason, that answer reassured me better than any false platitude ever could.