Children of divorce

**deanohit** · 13th July 2007, 21:44

My mum an dad split when I was 4 because of my dads drinking problems. Funnily enough, that hasn't affected me as my father, despite been a drunk back then, he was never abusive and the divorce was amicable with me seeing my dad fo the night once a month. All good. after 2 years though he moved to Nelson, we moved to Kaikoura an me mum got remarried. This is when things went down hill big time. I lost contact with my dad and our new stepdad started beating us. I ran away from home the first time when I was 9. Didnt make it very far before I was found by my stepdad. It definitly wasnt pleasant for me when I got home. Got to the stage that I moved out and lived with some friends of mine when I was 14 after I hit him on the head with a bat while he was sleeping.I still love my mum despite the fact she didnt do anything to stop him all those times and am trying to be supportive to her now she has left him 6 monthes ago when he forcefully tried to stop her leaving the marrige. Renewed contact with my dad 3 years ago now and I'm helpin him straiten his life out. So the roles have reversed for me to the point of where I'm tryin to look after and help both parents. Survived my mums first marrige, am still gettin over the second one.

**98tls** · 13th July 2007, 21:49

Originally Posted by deanohit

My mum an dad split when I was 4 because of my dads drinking problems. Funnily enough, that hasn't affected me as my father, despite been a drunk back then, he was never abusive and the divorce was amicable with me seeing my dad fo the night once a month. All good. after 2 years though he moved to Nelson, we moved to Kaikoura an me mum got remarried. This is when things went down hill big time. I lost contact with my dad and our new stepdad started beating us. I ran away from home the first time when I was 9. Didnt make it very far before I was found by my stepdad. It definitly wasnt pleasant for me when I got home. Got to the stage that I moved out and lived with some friends of mine when I was 14 after I hit him on the head with a bat while he was sleeping.I still love my mum despite the fact she didnt do anything to stop him all those times and am trying to be supportive to her now she has left him 6 monthes ago when he forcefully tried to stop her leaving the marrige. Renewed contact with my dad 3 years ago now and I'm helpin him straiten his life out. So the roles have reversed for me to the point of where I'm tryin to look after and help both parents. Survived my mums first marrige, am still gettin over the second one.

Good on you mate...hang in there and best of luck eh.........give that mum of yours lots of tlc eh...there worth it.FWIW i am from just south of kaikoura originally.

**Grahameeboy** · 13th July 2007, 21:59

I think we are all moulded by our experience with our parents, whether they divorce, stay together for good or not or are just not good parents.

My folks are still together after 47 years but were controlling and they criticised everything I did.....waste of money mountain bikes etc, you are thick Son etc....I didn't smoke or drink much but was into mountain a nd motorbikes......at age 14 I just decided to do my own think despite their views and even now, even though they have provided some financial help to help me retain custody of Nats it is on their terms to the point that my Lawyer says they are screwing me...I have never confided in them..even when at 28 my girlfriend discovered she was pregnant (condom broke before anyone asks) I have not told my parents about this or the fact that we decided to go for a termination......

I have no regrets and am pleased I am 'Me'.......

**chanceyy** · 13th July 2007, 22:01

Originally Posted by Sanx

I can't really comment on a lot of this as my parents have been together for the last 36 years (four years before I was born), I don't have any children and I'm getting married in January.

However ... I do remember asking my parents when I was quite young (maybe seven or eight) if they were going to get divorced. I don't think anything at home happened to make me ask this question; was more likely yet another classmate of mine was going through it.

I still remember the answer my mother gave me, with a semi-amused glance at my father: "No, we're not. We haven't got the time". For some reason, that answer reassured me better than any false platitude ever could.

ohhh geezzz that reminded me of my 7 yr old niece when ex & I split .. she asked my mother if she was still gonna be alive when she is older cause she wants to show nana her house & car .. nana replied well I hope I am still around cause I want to see you get married .. neice replied no nana I am never getting married cause it never lasts .. .. was like ahhh fark .. even though she did not witness any of it .. she absolutely adored & trusted my ex like no other .. & being the deep lil soul she is .. starting to parrot her aunty chanceyy darlingg .. oopss

BTW my bro & sis in law have been together for about 17 yrs .. & still going strong

**deanohit** · 13th July 2007, 22:02

Originally Posted by 98tls

Good on you mate...hang in there and best of luck eh.........give that mum of yours lots of tlc eh...there worth it.FWIW i am from just south of kaikoura originally.

Yea mate, talking an emailing most days.

My mums doin heaps better now, but is still scared. Her ex has now moved up here and lives just up the street which has her nervous for my safety, but I just stay low, make sure I dont go any where alone and have heaps of friends around here to keep an eye on him.

**007XX** · 15th July 2007, 13:43

Originally Posted by Grahameeboy

I think we are all moulded by our experience with our parents, whether they divorce, stay together for good or not or are just not good parents.

I have no regrets and am pleased I am 'Me'.......

yes, definitely agree on this...

For years, I had relationships that were going really well, and then I'd end up getting bored of them and kick them to the curb...
I started noticing a pattern, and asked myself why??
I finally realised that I was scared of the other person dumping me first and so was hell bent on getting them to love me, but then found it too much hard work and ended things...I likened it to a child building an awesome sand castle and then when he/she has achieved the result, proceed to destroy it.

To me, seeing a relationship that worked without being destroyed was just not normal...Conflict HAD to be a part of the everyday life...

Since I have grown and understood this, my love life has never been more stable, even my husband is unlike anyone I've ever been previously (aka: calm, understanding but firm and very smart

)

So, although not blaming entirely my parents' failed relationship for my own demise, I definitely think it played a huge part.

**Bloody Mad Woman (BMW)** · 15th July 2007, 21:37

Originally Posted by Colapop

Staying together is the best thing for a failed marriage. I should know my parents did it for the sake of the kids. It was great fun. Having to bear the brunt of my father's anger towards my mother. God knows what I ever did to become the target of his displeasure. They had a wonderful time creating absolute misery for us. I grew up having to deal with many nights of of tears and anguish while they did everything they could for us.

I'm not going to apologise if I sound bitter. I farking am! The shit that I've spent years dealing with. None of it was my fault but I was sure made to feel like it was. I wonder whether I'm even going to be able to last in my own marriage - I doubt it.

By all means stay together or divorce do whatever you like. BUT whatever you do consider your kids. If it's something you're considering (lets face it, it doesn't happen overnight) there are social agencies and programmes out there to help you ease the trauma on your kids.

Thanks for sharing that - My first husband went thru what you did. He always advocated don't stay together for the children's sake. He told me of nites cowering in his room, hearing his parents argue - the physical abuse.

My ex went back to an emotionally, verbally and physically abusive marriage. That to me is one very very sick man. I so felt for his children, don't give a shit about the adults but to willingly put your children thru that shit is far worse than "smacking your children". The adults feed off each other - and the damage it does do children. Been said above.

**98tls** · 15th July 2007, 21:46

I think a lot of it has to do with what was expected in those days.....in my case anyway i am extremely glad my parents got together and had a shag..for obvious reasons...thing is when it became obvious that a bundle was on the way they were expected to get a house and live happily ever after,bad move as the last 2 people that should share a life together is/was my parents,much more acceptable these days to just be rid of said bundle or be a solo parent.

**Bloody Mad Woman (BMW)** · 15th July 2007, 22:12

My parents split when I was 24. Wish it had been much sooner. I remember saying to Mum at 16 - after I'd run away - How can you live with that bastard - and I was really pushing it by swearing - thought she might clout me one or rant at me - she turned to me and said "You can leave, I can't". My father is the biggest hypocrite out - I have zero tolerance for that. I have absolutely no respect for the animal. Basically my mother is dead - she is in a home and has no memory etc That poor woman never knew "adult" love throughout her life - that is the saddest thing of all. When she does die - if her ex husband turns up at the funeral - god help him. Cos I am doing my mother's eulogy. And I will be telling it exactly how it was. I tried talking to my father as an adult after he did the first damage - begging him not to go on and do more with another action - advising him - he would hurt too many people. It his good catholic hypocritical way - he went on to really anihilate my mother and his 5 children.

After 30 years of marriage, hell, fire damnation hypocritcal catholic father - who chose catholism at 18, etc had to get permission from both sets of parents to marry my mother at 19, had 5 children, then got an annulment from the catholic church - how - pays enough money and you can buy anything you want with the catholics - who pontificate about the sanctity of marriage, children, the family. I rest my case - I rang the priest - he hadn't realised at that stage an annulment had been granted - he got very very upset when I said all the above - I also added that the animal had been fucking around during marriage to - by the way it's one of your commandments isn't it not to 'commit adultery'. He was particularly pissed about me saying you can buy in the catholic church and the sheer hypocrisy of the church - he hung up on me - died 3 months later. One less hypocrite thank god.

I call "him" the sperm donor - cos that's all he ever was. He's a very sick, self-centred male. Very insecure. Lives in fear of going to hell lol. I know I have done my best in trying to have a healthy relationship with him - but it is no go. So I don't bang my head against that brick wall anymore. He doesn't know any better. But crikey has he done some damage to my other siblings. I worked thru and am still doing so the damage done to me - I use to poo poo the idea "go back and look at your childhood - how you were raised" saying my parents did the best they could - don't believe in blame. Well it isn't blame - it is looking at why you have the beliefs you do, how you handle situations etc, the last thing I wanted in my life was a man like my father = but you guessed it - that is what I end up with. I'd rather remain single thank you.

**98tls** · 15th July 2007, 22:21

I remember hearing that dumb song..life begins at 40,i was 41 and had finally managed to let all the shit go......or at least ignore it.Just remember laughing to myself and thinking aint that the truth.

Good luck with it all BMW..sounds like you have it sorted though.

**chanceyy** · 15th July 2007, 22:26

Originally Posted by 98tls

I remember hearing that dumb song..life begins at 40,i was 41 and had finally managed to let all the shit go......or at least ignore it.Just remember laughing to myself and thinking aint that the truth.

nods I agree .. but guess I am a bit of an old soul ... I realised it when I was in my 30's .. took me 7 yrs to get over one particular event .. & has foreva made an impact ..

**98tls** · 15th July 2007, 22:30

If nothing else bad shit that happens to you builds character..sounds corny but at least if you take somthing from it its turning a negative into a positive,at the very least you may be able to help someone out with your bad experiance.

**chanceyy** · 15th July 2007, 22:36

tis true .. but these days you do not have to look far to find ppl who have been through far more

than I have .. so for me it puts things in perspective..

**ManDownUnder** · 16th July 2007, 09:52

wow..... I've been away from a PC for a few days... but I come back to you guys answering a question for me....

I've long held the view that so many people have a "life story", and the "interesting" people tend to have a life story with a more dramatic puntuation in there somewhere. A critical event (for me - my Mum and Dad splitting up and the grief that followed).

It's sad but this seems to be an all too common life story and while I'm not surprised at the number of stories out there, the number that I read and really hit home is impressive.

It's a big issue. And maybe I'm just not walking in those circles but it seems to be one that's not talked about too much.