Children of divorce

[ManDownUnder]

Wow, that must have been really hard for you.

Quite the opposite - and you can't imagine how disppointed the women were! Well - being female you probably can.

[yungatart]

I am not the product of a broken home. My parents just celebrated 55 years of wedded bliss...yes, wedded bliss!! They are still madly in love with each other, it is so neat to see, and I am truly grateful to them.
However, I didn't pick my man as well as my mum did..my first marriage broke up when my kids were 12,11 and 4...they are great kids, now aged 31,30 and 23, but all have issues.
If only divorce came with a manual...
if only ex's could be rational all the time...
if only I could have been rational all the time...
Yep, I made mistakes, did some stuff totally badly..but I did the best I was capable of at the time. I tried to put my kids needs first all the time, sometimes, I just didn't think straight though.
I'd like to be able to say I did it perfectly, and only my ex made mistakes..but I can't lie.....

[Matt Bleck]

When i was 4, Me, my sister and Mum returned home early from staying with Nana & Pop, much to my fathers surprise... he was rooting some shelia in his and ma's bed!

[ManDownUnder]

I am not the product of a broken home. My parents just celebrated 55 years of wedded bliss...yes, wedded bliss!! They are still madly in love with each other, it is so neat to see, and I am truly grateful to them.

That ROCKS doesn't it?

However, I didn't pick my man as well as my mum did..my first marriage broke up when my kids were 12,11 and 4...they are great kids, now aged 31,30 and 23, but all have issues.
If only divorce came with a manual...
if only ex's could be rational all the time...
if only I could have been rational all the time...
Yep, I made mistakes, did some stuff totally badly..but I did the best I was capable of at the time. I tried to put my kids needs first all the time, sometimes, I just didn't think straight though.
I'd like to be able to say I did it perfectly, and only my ex made mistakes..but I can't lie.....

Yes but... you did things the best you could, like my Mum and Dad did. I am convinced mine put the needs of the kids first all the time and there was no way they could have predicted the nuances of what they were doing and saying... and their medium to long term impact.

My Mum never spoke favourable of my father. That hit me like a ton of bricks over time. My Dad also placed one hell of an emotional burden on the only other member of the household (me)... but what was he to do... not cry?

Yup... tough one all around. A very tough one... and it sucks.

As 98tls said though - character forming.

[Edbear]

I wonder whether I'm even going to be able to last in my own marriage - I doubt it..

Been there, done that! 30th Anniversary this Oct. Always remember why you married her, and if it was because you fell in love with her because of her special qualities, cherish them! Marriage is not always a bed of roses and we usually have some unrealistic expectations when we enter into it. Too often we misunderstand the intent and meaning behind what the other one says, too. Maybe because of our own insecurities or whatever, but it's a real trick to understand what the other one is actually saying.

My wife was never very academic and had some serious issues from her childhood, so combined together, she didn't know how to say what she really meant. She also was convinced I would find someone I really deserved and would cast her off. It took many years and tears before she was secure enough to accept that I genuinely loved her and wanted to provide a good life for her.

Some who knew us well, gave us six months when we got married, they were nearly too generous! She was fiery and I was stubborn! Man we had some doozy's! That was, as I say, back in '77!

Yeah, remember why you married, count to ten and listen carefully. Tell each other you love each other often and find things to laugh about together. My Mum cracked us all up at my nieces wedding a while ago, her advice was "fight naked!"

[ManDownUnder]

Been there, done that! 30th Anniversary this Oct. Always remember why you married her, and if it was because you fell in love with her because of her special qualities, cherish them! Marriage is not always a bed of roses and we usually have some unrealistic expectations when we enter into it. Too often we misunderstand the intent and meaning behind what the other one says, too. Maybe because of our own insecurities or whatever, but it's a real trick to understand what the other one is actually saying.

Cheers chap... the voice of experience is very much appreciated!

Something I find helps me when the chips are really down... open that wee book containing all the wedding photos... and relive the day. It's amasing how the perspective changes PDQ...

[jrandom]

My wife was never very academic and had some serious issues from her childhood...

Dude, what an awesome way of putting it.

[biggy]

i hate women

[Mom]

i hate women

Good for you!

Good to see a bloke saying it from the heart!

So if you hate women, then the opposite must apply?

[ManDownUnder]

So if you hate women, then the opposite must apply?

So long as he loves himself...

I do... regularly...

[avgas]

rather than read all these posts. i feel i just have to say - anyone had a good long relationship? Because I would love to marry ms avgas.....but as one of these children - i have serious mistrust issues with women.

[Blackbird]

rather than read all these posts. i feel i just have to say - anyone had a good long relationship? Because I would love to marry ms avgas.....but as one of these children - i have serious mistrust issues with women.

Too right I have! My folks divorced when I was young, but a week on Sunday, Mrs B and I celebrate 35 years marriage and I'm still totally barmy about her. We also have 3 fantastic kids with no hang-ups. You have to work at it but being the product of a broken home can't always be an excuse for not having a great life.

[ManDownUnder]

rather than read all these posts. i feel i just have to say - anyone had a good long relationship? Because I would love to marry ms avgas.....but as one of these children - i have serious mistrust issues with women.

Me!

12 years and counting chap.... (4/3/95) and there's ups and downs for sure but that's life anyway.

[Edbear]

however I am adopted & my mother has used that against me for many many yrs .. I certainly would never want a child to ever know how it feels to be rejected on soo many levels by those who are supose to love you unconditionally.. but that is another story

Maybe another thread, here?

It's sad to hear this happening. Step families are much more common than many realise, as this thread highlights, and each has its common challenges.

While my parents divorced after 26 years, and I was not sorry to see my father leave, us kids were pretty much all grown up and not caught up in any nastiness. They both remarried and Dad remained with his wife until he died in Jan.'89 from MS. Horrible way to go. Though I could not respect him as a man and often marvelled that Mum could live with him, I was able to tell him on his deathbed that I loved him. It seemed to mean a lot to him then. Mum is still with her second husband, my best mate and a man I have enormous respect for. HE was the best thing that could ever have happened to her.

My son is my stepson, so I know a bit about step-families. My wife was told, by busy bodies who had no idea what they were talking about, that she should not expect me to love him as my own. Being hyperactive didn't help and my wife never really knew whether he was in trouble and being disciplined because of his behaviour or because I didn't love him. You can imagine the problems that caused. Eventually I was able to convince her of my love for him, helped by the "discovery" of a medical cause for hyperactivity, now known as ADHD, in 1981 and he was tested and put on a diet that radically changed his behaviour. So after two years my wife agreed I could adopt him, he was now four.

Truth was, I fell in love with them both, not just her, and I think the pic illustrates this. Around 8 years old, my son said to me that he felt out of place, (as we had told him when he was 4 that he was adopted), he saw his sister, who was the perfect baby, (honestly I wish all parents could have such a daughter!), and never in trouble, and wondered if maybe he was somehow not really part of the family. One thing this emphasised to me was what a deep thinker he was even at so young an age! Parents, be aware!

I sat down with him and hugged him and told him that it was both he and his Mum I fell in love with, and explained our relationship this way. In families there is a natural blood bond - brother, sister, mother, father. When two people get married, they do not have the blood bond and must develop the bond together and those who have been married for years will understand. I explained that he was like his mother and his adoption was the same as our marriage, we fell in love, got married and develop a bond together, same as I adopted him and we developed this father/son bond. He felt so much better after that, and could understand that he was really as much a part of my life and this family as his mother was.

He has never met his natural father and has no real desire to, as the guy disappeared, probably partly in fear of his life from my wife's three older brothers, but also to avoid his responsibilities. He is now 31 and currently back home with us, (another long story!), and we like having him around.

(I can't believe I've written this!)

[ManDownUnder]

It's sad to hear this happening. Step families are much more common than many realise, as this thread highlights, and each has its common challenges.

... snip...

(I can't believe I've written this!)

Total and utter respect!

THAT is one of the stories that needs to be told... I had an email from a KBer yesterday telling me another that helped me enormously. It simply gave me hope because it gave me the understanding that comes of experience.

I told my story and while I won't divulge where or with whom - it resonated loud and long. Edbear - I know your post will too. That voice of experience is easy to recognise.

Respect!