Children of divorce

[janno]

Edbear, that was a fantastic way to explain your family dynamic to your son! I am very impressed, and I'm so glad you wrote that.

[ManDownUnder]

Everyone in this thread... I think we need a bloody big night out, a few too many beers - talk shit till the cows come home and see what comes of it...

Aucklanders up to the challenge?

[janno]

I'd be up for it, except I'm slightly the wrong side of the ditch at the mo . . .

[chanceyy]

Maybe another thread, here?

It's sad to hear this happening. Step families are much more common than many realise, as this thread highlights, and each has its common challenges.



(I can't believe I've written this!)

prob is another another thread .. but in some respects I guess jealously .. My adopted father has always accepted & loved me for who I am, has never been judgemental

My mother .. shrugs thats another story .. I may have gotten over a certain event .. but have never forgotten ....

I still remember how I understood the concept of being adopted .. both my brother & I adopted at birth (not blood related) .. as youngsters we used to head to pram to our bach .. one day when we were driving I seen a black lamb in a paddock of white sheep .. made comment that the black lamb has no mother .. thats when it was explained that one of the white mother sheep would take care of it like mum & dad do for me ..

funny the things you remember from ya youth .. must have been about 5 when i was told that

kids deserve to be loved unconditionally, & at times the ppl who give birth dunno what it means to be parents ..

I strongly believe that no one has a right to come between a parent & child .. that is a bond that should never be tampered with regardless if it is a birth parent or adopted ..

[ynot slow]

Agree with whats said,my auntie and uncle adopted a son,they had 2 girls.My brother and I and one cousin are biological family,the adopted one is treated as family.That is 4 boys to carry our family name on,I have 2 girls,my brother no kids,cousin(bio)has boy and girl and adopted cousin a girl,so as for keeping the family name going,not good lol.

My grandparents treated the adopted cousin/grandchild as should be family.His sisters treated him the same,he even laughed one day when a few beers had been partaken,that he wouldn't say no to shagging his elder sister,he had a few people thinking we were a religous ideal,until it was said to the ones not laughing that he was adopted,he had known them since primary school,they all thought he was my auntie and uncles biological son.

[deanohit]

His sisters treated him the same,he even laughed one day when a few beers had been partaken,that he wouldn't say no to shagging his elder sister,he had a few people thinking we were a religous ideal,until it was said to the ones not laughing that he was adopted,he had known them since primary school,they all thought he was my auntie and uncles biological son.

Hahaha, good on you all.
My uncle was born into a broken home and adopted by my grandparents when only a few monthes old. He's always known where he came from but is comfortable with it all as theway he sees it, he has two familys now, us and his biological brother an sister (doesnt have contact with his bio parents).

[ManDownUnder]

I'd be up for it, except I'm slightly the wrong side of the ditch at the mo . . .

Well bloody yell out when you get onto this side of the ditch!

[chanceyy]

I'd be up for it, except I'm slightly the wrong side of the ditch at the mo . . .

when ya get to this side of the ditch Jan .. there is always a bed here for you ...


but remember the rapa bash is on in march be good to see you at that too ...

[janno]

I'm back in UnZud on the 14th of August - don't worry, you'll be seeing my cheery face before too long!!

Lots of riding to catch up on, and rolling around in the long grass. WTF you say?

Really looking forward to bush walking and walking through paddocks with NO SNAKES!!!

[sugilite:Me]

My ex went back to an emotionally, verbally and physically abusive marriage. That to me is one very very sick man. I so felt for his children, don't give a shit about the adults but to willingly put your children thru that shit is far worse than "smacking your children". The adults feed off each other - and the damage it does do children. Been said above.

I've just found this thread. Previously I've always avoided these kinds of topics as lord knows I've been no shining example of a good partner in a relationship over the last 8 years. I have decided to reply to this particular post as it refers directly to myself.

Yes, my wife and I had our issues as most married couples do. We did not take them out on our children. We nurtured and loved them throughout the process and they themselves are very loving and nurturing children. Indeed the writer of the quoted post experienced this from my two daughters in her hour of need.

Yes, violence occurred 3 times, and two of those times my children were aware of it. The both of us immediately talked to our children to let them know we loved them and were working through issues. My wife had an upbringing that made the once were warriors movie look like a walk in the park. She promised never again and stuck to that even under the greatest provocation imaginable.

Our children stayed positive throughout the process and continued to get good grades at school. At parent teacher nights, their teachers without exception said my children were joys to teach and they bought a great sense of humor and added real value with their communication/sharing with the rest of the class. One teacher even said she wish she had 30 versions of my child in her class!

My children have learned that something important is worth fighting for. They are very happy that their mother and I persisted and have let us both know this on several occasions.

I feel this scenario is very different from what Colapop and others have gone through. For parents to take their frustrations out on their children is utterly and totally cruel and my heart goes out to those people that have suffered this. For sure in those circumstances they should separate to save their children pain.
However, I firmly believe that when children can see their parents putting in a sincere effort at reconciling their issues they learn not to hide and run from problems they will certainly face later on in life.

I ran from my problems and tried my best to blame everyone else for them and that just bought me pain, pain and more pain. I no longer run and I take ownership of my shit. Since doing that my life has become so much the more richer.
I had a large realization to this effect on the 11th of January of this year and printed and posted up on my wall in HUGE letters "PARTICIPATE IN LIFE"
To do anything less is pointless.

[Highlander]

rather than read all these posts. i feel i just have to say - anyone had a good long relationship? Because I would love to marry ms avgas.....but as one of these children - i have serious mistrust issues with women.

Yup, us. We were married as teen agers - 18 years ago (many more to come).

My parents are rapidly approaching 50 years, and the inlaws are almost at 40 years. Both lots of parents still very much going strong.

It does happen.

[Kittyhawk]

Interesting thread. There are ups and downs in any relationship, and one with my parents, there were alot of downs.

I recall many times over and over alot of arguements, and mum always saying " Im staying here just for the kids sake" I cant begin to express how I felt every time I heard that but it has impacted on me today.

Our happy times, always ended very quickly with negative conversations. Dad argued with mum, the challenge to see who could over power the other with the loudest voice was always the thing and this resulted in mum breaking down and crying on my shoulder alot.

As I got older I started realising that its not normal. My parents traveled alot overseas and my brother and I would stay at mums sisters place on the farm. This gave me a different insight to how familes interact.

There were no arguements, if there was, it wasnt done in front of all us kids. Everyone was happy, the family was organised and supported eachother regardless of what choises my cousins made.

I recall when my cousin left school at 15 or so my uncle said "right you're going to work on the farm no time for girls just yet" That's what he did, now he's in joint ownership with my uncle on a 400 acre dairy farm, and has a family.

Dinner times at the farm were about conversation, what did you do that day, and talking at the table was nice. After dinner the sterio would get turned up, the rest of the aunts and uncles would call in and we would all dance till bed time. Just simple happy times and ones which wouldnt be forgotton.

Coming back home to Tga when my parents picked us up, was one of the most depressing points in my life. We wernt allowed to talk at the dinner table. Not allowed to turn up the music and dance. And I felt like I was returning to an unhappy home I honestly dreaded going back. Mum and dad bought us most thigns we wanted to make us happy, but it wasnt the material items I wanted....I wanted to be in a happy family, to be loved, and not judged.

My parents agrued about my career, where I was going to go and what to do. I wanted to go to Otago Uni and persue a composing degree in music. It wasnt an option to them, I was shipped off to Auckland to study at uni by their choice as they were the ones paying.

Even when I moved they still argued with me and controlled me. Mum ended up breaking some news to me about her having an affair for over a year behind dads back with his best mate. After being married to him for 24 odd years.

I'll never forgive her for that. And her excuse for doing it was even more pathetic.

Dad was just as bad, as he said he wants to stay with her as he's too old to find anyone else. She begged him to keep her. He asked me what to do my reply " do what you want as long as you are happy, I still love you regardless" Its that unconditional love factor I have for my parents. I still love my mum and dad but I will never trust either of them.

I look back and remember my Aunt saying "When you are old enough you will realise your family is different its just a matter of time" This was discussed alot within the rellies etc. And they were right.

My parents in the end got so jealous of my aunt and uncle who we stayed with on the farm they ceased all communication with them for years, my brother and I didnt have a choice as if we did try to get in touch the threats were "we will disown you, or get out dont come back" as a kid you believe that stuff and it scares you.... they were worried we would run away to our 2nd home. My parents were jealous of the closeness their kids have with them.

Even a few months back, mum told her sister to not contact me! Still that underlaying jealousy and worry of my parents.

Why would two people stay married for 27 years and argue everyday never have happy times, or memories. "For the kids sake" is the excuse.
I would have much rather my parents split up looking back. At least if that happend I would have felt loved and appreciated alot more from both sides. Had more hugs, and not the emotional scaring I have today. As for my brother, he's still living at home and is not allowed to move out of home at the age of 22.

Im glad I broke the cycle and got out.