Relationship separation?

[Winston001]

The thread on children of divorce touched me and I thought a new thread might be worth while.

My question is this: how many of us wish our parents had separated years ago instead of toughing it out? I certainly do..................but wonder if the reality would have been a lot worse than the stable family life we had.

No physical violence but dad verbally abused mum and put her down. He's now 87 and still does it to her.

And so I ponder my own marriage which is fragile - all my fault. Not repeating my fathers mistakes, but making other ones and my wife is a truely lovely person who deserves to be loved and cherished.

[janno]

Being aware of mistakes is a huge step, Winston. It gives you the option of not repeating them.

I am leaving my husband of nearly eight years because he refuses to consider he has some serious attitude problems. Despite constantly saying that marriages take work, he refused to go to counselling after the second time. I'm the one who has to sort my problems out, apparently.

But I am relationship number four for him that has gone down the gurgler for very similar reasons. And the only constant is him. We don't have children, luckily, but if we did I'd still be leaving. Because what sort of role models are miserable parents? Kids aren't stupid. They pick up on every bit of tension in the house.

[canarlee]

Because what sort of role models are miserable parents? Kids aren't stupid. They pick up on every bit of tension in the house.

how very true!

[Joni]

Well said Janno.

At the end of the day what kind of lesson are you teaching your children, when they see you being hurt and abused day in and say out. Self respect and self love are huge gifts a parent can give... and that is not the way to go about it.

You see over and over children repeating their parents mistakes, because on a sub-conscious level it’s all they know.

My Grandfather has smacked my Grandmother around as long as my Mother and I can remember.... that abuse, pain and hurt has permeated all the children’s lives in some way or another... like you say Janno, children are not stupid... they know... and many, like my mother, have grown up to be very sad and confused adults.

PS – Good on you for leaving… you go girl. Only the best… onwards and upwards… and all that

[Dilligaf]

Oh yeah I actually asked Mum why she stayed with Dad - and she replied that back then with 4 kids and him controlling all the money, there was not the social support for a woman to leave. So we endured his beatings, then when that got him no respect, beating Mum for the things we did wrong (and making sure we heard). Oh happy days...
But get this, now when she could walk away with half, even now into their 70s they are still together. The physical abuse stopped about 20 years ago but not the constant verbal attacks go on...
And when we confronted him on his treatment of us, he replied that he didn't know what we were talking about "You were well disciplined". mmmmmmmmmkay.
I've given up trying to understand other's relationships - you never know what or why. And our family, it's now like the elephant in the room. Which could also explain why I live in a different country...
But I am happy to say that I am one of the one in four who managed to break the cycle.

[avgas]

Now you know you need to be a better person for her.....what are you going to do about it?
A relationship is earned, its harder than any job, more demanding than any child, more expensive than any item.
Good way to think about it is your at war, its you and every guy out there - the only advantage you have over them is you have your women, now you just have to keep her.

[Joni]

A relationship is earned

Damn well said!

Pity not everyone sees it that way eh?

[ManDownUnder]

Strangely - no. I think my Mum and Dad probably got their timing right (despite them failing to perfectly manage the aftermath). They got married, grew apart and when things stopped working the marriage ended.

Well - that's what I think I saw anyway, what little a 13 year old can see... and what little I can accurately recall from 25 years ago.

[ManDownUnder]

The thread on children of divorce touched me and I thought a new thread might be worth while.

My question is this: how many of us wish our parents had separated years ago instead of toughing it out? I certainly do..................but wonder if the reality would have been a lot worse than the stable family life we had.

No physical violence but dad verbally abused mum and put her down. He's now 87 and still does it to her.

And so I ponder my own marriage which is fragile - all my fault. Not repeating my fathers mistakes, but making other ones and my wife is a truely lovely person who deserves to be loved and cherished.

Hey... show her what you just wrote... it'll be a bloody good starting point for the talking you have coming up. If you can tell it like it is to us (and that last line kinda sums up a hell of a lot)... she needs to know too...

I hope she does...?

[BarBender]

Love on its own just doesnt cut the mustard...

[Winston001]

Now you know you need to be a better person for her.....what are you going to do about it?

A relationship is earned, its harder than any job, more demanding than any child, more expensive than any item.

Yeah, well said. I'm trying, and we are going to counselling which is traumatic but good. My wife is my rock and I don't deserve her.

[ManDownUnder]

Yeah, well said. I'm trying, and we are going to counselling which is traumatic but good. My wife is my rock and I don't deserve her.

Been there man... amasing what comes out huh? Keep going dude... keep going. Don't give up till the fat lady's run out of breath...

[janno]

Love on its own just doesnt cut the mustard...

Oh, abso-bloody-lutely!

Because that's what my husband and I had, along with intense physical attraction (too much info, huh?!).

But when the "boing" factor fades, which it always does, you've got to have friendship and common ground to take over.

Then, according to my parents who were married 30 years before Mum died, the love and attraction comes around again, but in a different, stronger and better way.

Which is what I'm going to make sure I get next time!

[007XX]

And so I ponder my own marriage which is fragile - all my fault. Not repeating my fathers mistakes, but making other ones and my wife is a truely lovely person who deserves to be loved and cherished.

And you have just proven that you love her, that you understand and accept there is an issue you BOTH have to work out, and you are taking steps to do so...
She is a very lucky lady too...not many man out there would be willing to air their problems to a complete stranger to save their marriage...it takes guts and honnesty! So good on you for that.

One thing though if I may...I do not know you nor your situation, but make sure to be honnest with yourself, your wife and your counsellor...what I mean is: it takes two in a marriage to make things work...
I am not saying the fault lies with someone else, but more: forget about laying blame on someone (aka: yourself ) for the past, and truly understand what needs to be mended and work on that as a positive for your future together...be sure to communicate effectively, it is cruciayou both know you really understand what the other person is saying!

Be strong, you are a good man...and baby steps, nothing happens overnight!
Anytime you want to talk, we're all there if it can help.

[Curious_AJ]

And you have just proven that you love her, that you understand and accept there is an issue you BOTH have to work out, and you are taking steps to do so...
She is a very lucky lady too...not many man out there would be willing to air their problems to a complete stranger to save their marriage...it takes guts and honnesty! So good on you for that.

not to mention leaving it open to a BUNCH of strangers mind you...

its weird, I grew up with stable parents and my friends all had stable parents til i came here to NZ. Now most people I know have split parents or similar... some of which i know is because both parents weren't willing to talk about their problems with eachother, instead someof them would talk to me (the little non-related teen in the room) about it... i was like *doi* It was a bit of a shock, seeming as I had grown up with the situations i had...

but yeah, I definately agree with everyone who has said, that you DO love her, we can see that, and now all you need to do is figure out how to change ways, make sure your wife knows you love her.. and then all you can do is wait for her to take the initiative, which I'm sure would happen, as you do seem to know the right direction to go in.