Parenting a changeling

[Laava]

15 going on 30 acting like 2!
Feel sorry for you BB and the only advice I can give you is talk to my Jo about it next time you see her. She has been thru all that with her 3.
It will get better!
Makes it very hard for new partners too as they can NEVER replace the absent parent and in fact can be the source of much resentment at this difficult age. [My experience!] Your lad seems like a nice fella though and obviously has a good rapport with R.I.B. Ignore my wafflings tho and talk to Jo, she has the experience! I'm sure R.I.B knows how to get hold of us tho if you want a chat when things are bad and we're just round the corner!
Good luck tho and might see you on Wed night?

[slowpoke]

Transition of being a child to becoming an adult.

Yup.
C'mon BB, don't you remember what it was like as a maturing (I use the word loosely!) adolescent? Were you a choir girl from age 3 through to 30? Did you never test the boundaries?
As with many things in life it's about power and control.
As a child the pecking order is very rigidly set, you are the lowest figure on the totem pole and you are expected to be courteous, obedient etc etc to those who are obviously bigger and more knowledgeable than you, or there will be definite consequences....and you know no different.
As you enter that transitional phase you become aware that the power balance has shifted slightly, you aren't quite so intimidated by elder figures, they aren't much bigger than you, you are able to shoot holes in some of their "logic", and the consequences aren't so defined.
As a result you tend to challenge and sometimes offend those around you, either knowing or unknowingly. The child is realizing that they actually have some control over their own life and understandably tend to challenge others who would seek to threaten or limit that control.
While the child is adjusting to and testing their own capabilities the adult also has a transitional phase to go through as the have to start to relinquish the reins. The child has a lot to learn during this phase but equally the adult, as instead of instant subservience from their "baby" they now have a semi-adult challenging their decisions, clashes of ego and a myriad of reactions to every action.
Controlling parents made for an easy decision for my partner and I to leave the country many years ago. Unfortunately since returning we've found the controlling/judging habits are still flourishing and I can see some harsh words ahead.
Therein lies the trick. At some stage you have to begin the transition from parenting your children to befriending them, because they are responsible for their own decisions.
Does it matter that you can't see the floor for dirty clothes? Nup. Does it matter that she has a penchant for all things Goth? Nup. Does it matter that you have a working relationship with her? Yup.
All I can suggest is pick your battles wisely and make sure they are worth fighting.


This has been another sermon from the righteous Reverend Rantalot and the good folks at Miracles-R-Us......

[Mrs Busa Pete]

Hi i had 3 teenage daughter all about 18 month between and believe me it can only get worst buckle up for the ride. My exsperaican of those years where a nightmare and you are going to have to be bloody strong for the next few years.When we meet up one day i will tell you about it and how i dealt with it way to long for on line.

I will say one of the things when one of my daughter started the mood changes was drugs so whatch for the signs.

If you every want to talk get my number of rider in black.
Remeber to keep

[Dafe]

I'm familiar with families that have well behaved kids and families with little terrors.

I'm not shitting you though, from my experience, all those families that have the really well behaved kids are regular church going families. They have strong family bonding and full respect for one another. There is a definate dinstict pattern taking place here.

Equally, I've noticed the families that have the worst problems, almost always have no affiliation to religious upbringing.

Not meaning to be a bible basher, I despise anybody who thinks they are a better person because of their religion or especially somebody who pushes their religion onto those that aren't interested, but I think this has alot of relevance. I think it relates to family upbringing and the instilling of strong morals and ethics from a very early age.

Sure it ain't for everybody and not all families need it, but I'm going to give it a go and raise my child around the churches teachings. The wife and I are expecting in another few months, so I better go find me a bible!

God bless you all!

[slowpoke]

I'm familiar with families that have well behaved kids and families with little terrors.

I'm not shitting you though, from my experience, all those families that have the really well behaved kids are regular church going families. They have strong family bonding and full respect for one another. There is a definate dinstict pattern taking place here.

Equally, I've noticed the families that have the worst problems, almost always have no affiliation to religious upbringing.

Not meaning to be a bible basher, I despise anybody who thinks they are a better person because of their religion or especially somebody who pushes their religion onto those that aren't interested, but I think this has alot of relevance. I think it relates to family upbringing and the instilling of strong morals and ethics from a very early age.

Sure it ain't for everybody and not all families need it, but I'm going to give it a go and raise my child around the churches teachings. The wife and I are expecting in another few months, so I better go find me a bible!

God bless you all!

I was waiting for it. I was tossing up between a sarcastic and a serious response but suffice to say if you ever want to create a barrier between yourself and your kids then religion is a good place to start.

[Blue Babe]

I'm familiar with families that have well behaved kids and families with little terrors.

I'm not shitting you though, from my experience, all those families that have the really well behaved kids are regular church going families. They have strong family bonding and full respect for one another. There is a definite dinstict pattern taking place here.

Equally, I've noticed the families that have the worst problems, almost always have no affiliation to religious upbringing.

Not meaning to be a bible basher, I despise anybody who thinks they are a better person because of their religion or especially somebody who pushes their religion onto those that aren't interested, but I think this has alot of relevance. I think it relates to family upbringing and the instilling of strong morals and ethics from a very early age.

Sure it ain't for everybody and not all families need it, but I'm going to give it a go and raise my child around the churches teachings. The wife and I are expecting in another few months, so I better go find me a bible!

God bless you all!

I believe religion starts at home. I gave my kids the choice of whether to go to church or not. They both did the Sunday School thing when they were younger, but that was their choice I never pushed either way. My father is an atheist, but I have always thought there was more to & did go to church when I was younger. You bring your kids up teaching them right from wrong, respect of themselves, their belongings & others. In the company of others both my kids are very well behaved & know their P's & Q's. In that respect I have brilliant kids, but at the moment with "Z" she has an attitude problem. Yes she is testing her boundaries as a young adult, but to shout & yell at me (she hasn't tried it with Doug lately) is not on. I'm not asking for the cleanest room, but a bit tidier would be cool. I'm not asking her to do everything my way, I want her to talk to me, not shout & to tell me to "WAIT" or what ever. She is very stubborn, (suppose that is the red head in her) & She always has to have the last word.
I have brought my kids up knowing what morals, right from wrong etc is & they do know it. They actually aren't bad kids at the end of the day, just "Z" is a bit mixed up with herself, with trapped anger, hormones & life.

[chanceyy]

I can relate to some of wot is being said ..

I too went through the phase of living in a pig sty .. when it suited me I would clean it .. why .. cause my room was my room & it was one area that was my own & I could control (well kinda) .... plus factor I knew it drove her crazy

I too had major conflicts with my mother, some of the most major impacts on my life these days came from those yrs ...

My father treated me as an individual & listened to wot i had to say .. my mother it was her way or no way .. very very hard times esp when she would have no trust & yet I never did anything to earn her distrust,

I could have easily gone off the rails at that point .. & prob would have but for the respect of my father ... & I did not want to disappoint him .. also the values that had been instilled in me growing up are the core of me, they will not change ..

[KATWYN]

Iand started to calm down by about the age of 29 - .

Yikes...lol

[yungatart]

Teenagers aren't easy. They don't come with a manual or a money back gaurantee either.
But it isn't easy for them either!They have so much more shit to deal with than I did whenI wasa teenager.
Let your daughter know that while you love her heaps, you do not like her beahaviour. Ask her to do something and give her a reason why you want it done and a reasonable time frame in which to do it.
If she does not comply, no biggie, it doesn't get done (or you do it yourself) but next time she wants something, say no..and then explain your reason...eg, "I asked you to do your room on Wednesday, you didn't so know you will not be going to the movies /whatever with your mates"
No lectures, no discussion.
Good luck!

[KATWYN]

Equally, I've noticed the families that have the worst problems, almost always have no affiliation to religious upbringing.

:

and yet I have noticed (just my opinion)

In my experience the frustrated teenagers in a religiously oppressed or religiously hypocritcal household go right off the rails in the teen years creating a tonne of grief or they just get really clever at the double life thing...so they just appear to be the model child

[McJim]

I'm familiar with families that have well behaved kids and families with little terrors.

Never been to Northern Irelend then? The 'Christian' fuckers over there were pretty nasty pieces of work.

I have childhood memories of receiving kickings from Bible thumpers. They never did it one on one - always a big team of the brave bastards.

A bit off topic but from my observations I have seen life prove to be diametrically opposite to the assertion of Dafe.

The local children who were the offspring of University lecturers etc were generally raised to be atheist and were well behaved. The local children of steelworkers and coal miners were devoutly protestant and unbelievably violent.

[007XX]

She's going to be 15yrs old early next month

Everyone has pretty much given you all the advice I could possibly give...

But yes, she will drive you nuts and she will push all the boundaries.
There is no easy way to go through this for either of you.

Maybe one suggestion: introduce her to older "mentors" type of people she would look up to and that you would trust. I'll explain:

Does she have a particular interest such as dancing, any sport or hobbie...then find someone worthwhile who practices that particular hobbie and introduce her to that person...

When you're a teenager, you do not feel like confiding to your parents, but if you have someone like that mentor, you will be able to confide in them and you as a parent can trust the mentor to give your teen great advice in return...

And of course, they can tell you about your teen's angst in confidence, so you can keep in touch with what is going on in your child's head...

It is a bit of organising, but it is worth it...just make sure that your teen doesn't suspect too much on the relation between you and the mentor.

I hope that helps a bit...good luck!
And you do sound like an awesome caring mum, so don't loose focus of that.

[Ocean1]

Teenagers aren't easy. They don't come with a manual or a money back gaurantee either.
But it isn't easy for them either!They have so much more shit to deal with than I did whenI wasa teenager.
Let your daughter know that while you love her heaps, you do not like her beahaviour. Ask her to do something and give her a reason why you want it done and a reasonable time frame in which to do it.
If she does not comply, no biggie, it doesn't get done (or you do it yourself) but next time she wants something, say no..and then explain your reason...eg, "I asked you to do your room on Wednesday, you didn't so know you will not be going to the movies /whatever with your mates"
No lectures, no discussion.
Good luck!

+1. Nice.

One thing, don't try to MAKE her do stuff, you can never control another's behaviour anyway but with teenagers it just reinforces the resentment and defiance. Ask yourself rather what you do for her, specifically what she fails to recognise as your continued support for her in her new-found "independant" adulthood. A withdrawl of priveledges can be more effective and less draining than a full-on row over when the dishes get done.

I tried really hard to make any consequences linked to the poor behaviour, if the dirty laundry didn't emerge from the pigsty for washing it didn't get done. If the bedroom door got slammed it came off it's hinges and got stored in the garage. If she didn't help with the housework then I didn't have time to taxi her to her friends place, (too busy with the housework see?). She may not like being treated like a child but if she want's the respect due an adult then she must learn that it's earned, not the result of asserting some God-given right.

It is hard, but be firm and fair. Above all be calm, and know that although it may seem hard to believe there is a functional adult brewing inside your girl's head.

[ManDownUnder]

I was kinda in her shoes at the age, and from me experience it's a very bewildering time. (Here's one account of it). Note the comment on Step dads. In my experience they are simply victims waiting to be a regular target ... mine was till I grew out of it.

She has hormones raging and she'll probably be affecxted by the break up too - although the extent of that effect is hard to quantify from words on a screen. My one piece of advice is to treat her with respect and give her honest answers. Your emotional involvement with her Dad can easily spill over into her emotional involement (and when you think of it, it's a completely discreet relationship)... in other words what you feel about him shouldn't necessarily be the same as what she feels.

You can remove him from your life in an academic sense... she's can't. He is 1/2 her genetic makup - her heritage etc. I recall well the feelings of hating... something but not being able to point at what it was. I later found out it's dissonance. A feeling of hating one of my parents for doing something wrong, trying to match that up with the natural feelings of love and closeness one has for a parent, trying to understand in any way the fact they abandoned me and then hating my other parent for speaking ill of them.

All the while hormones up and down and they do at that age.

Something else I learned is that the pubescent years are possibly THE WORST time for adults to part in terms of the effects on the kids. They're forming their own identity right at that point, and when their world changes so radically, from reliable and stable, a comstant home dynamic, to... well - what you have now... it ALL goes up int he air, and where there used to be a template of "family" the pieces could be matched against - there no longer is. They have to find their own way in the world... making it up as you go along. I know - I did... and it took me 35 years and a couple of personal crises to start wanting to work this out. (Hence the length of the reply - and my passion for the subject).

She's ALSO doing the normal stuff of becoming her own woman, arguing with those that make the rules, pushing and bursting through boundaries... and it's all good stuff.

Last - have a word (or track down) Parents Inc. They are nothing short of brilliant. I wholeheartedly recommend them for everyone, planning to have kids, with small kids, big kids or just learning about yourself. Seriously seriously good.

You'll see Ian and Mary Grant on the front page, and if you do (or do not) have Christian affiliations then your thoughs on them may taint your possible view of the organisation. I urge you - don't. This is a wonderfully practical common sense and fun learning time - find a conference they're putting on and go. You'll pick stuff up you had no idea of . Take your daughter if she'll go. She'll have a few things to say at the end of it too... some of the stuff she'll recognise - and you won't (possibly) believe.

Trust me - it will be good for all.

And good luck.

[Goblin]

Are there any other parents with new partners or even single parents suffering the same stuff as we are here??

I feel your pain BB!
My daughter was such a sweet girl, loved school, tried really hard at everything until the day she turned 16. The Monday following her 16th birthday, I dropped her off at school as usual. Got a phonecall from the school saying they'd seen her get into a car with four others and off they went. She'd had 100% attendance from Intermediate through to High School then nothing! Hated school!

Then the boozing started...and the abusing me her little brothers. Then it was the self abuse...cutting herself. She got her lip peirced, only lasted a few weeks but she came home one day with a stud in her tongue. She had a job at New World but only did about three shifts then just didn't show up. Her boss phoned me to see if she was ok so I made her phone her back and explain why she never showed up or phoned in to let them know she wouldnt be in. She got fired.

Then the boyfriend with the little shitbox car with the giant baked-bean tin for a muffler came into her life and it's all turned to shit. I think she's on P. She's been stealing money from my wallet and booze from my cupboard. Her moodswings became intolerable. She had been doing NOTHING for 12 months and she turned 17 on the 9th of August. She got herself a job at a local cafe in town and shifted out last weekend. I havn't heard from her since. She left her room in a hell of a mess and all the lightbulbs are missing. When I asked her if she was on something she flew off the handle and got really defensive.

I really dont think kids these days have more shit to deal with than when I was young. My daughter has never been physically, emotionally and sexually abused yet she thinks the world owes her. I just dont understand it! When I turned 17 I had been working full time for 2 years and had my own bike and licence. When she was 14 I used to let her drive the car up our long driveway to get her interested in getting her licence. My mum bought her a Road Code for her 15th birthday and she promptly lost it. She borrowed one off one of her friends and promptly lost that one too. She has no ambition or goals in life other than to go out boozing with all her mates every night.

All I can do now is be here to pick up the pieces when she falls.

You're not alone in your struggle BB. At least you have a good man to cry on his shoulder and help you through the tough times. All the best and please let us know how it all pans out.