Parenting a changeling

[Devil]

BB - my 2 cents, whether it's relevant or not.

When I was a teenager, being moaned/whined at would set me off in a millisecond. Whether it was do the chores, clean your room, make dinner or whatever, it didn't matter. The initial question or request would have been in THAT tone of voice that you can only get from a mother. Maybe you're not like that. Maybe you dont even know you do it, but stop and take a second to think about how you request things. That was one of the biggest things I hated, in my quest to be treated like an adult. If there was even a hint of a whine in there, that'd be it. The teenage mind would shut down and the answer would just be no.

It's not your fault, but there are things you can do to help avoid the reactions. Just a simple, polite "could you do xxxx please". Avoid all questions that involve asking why... "why haven't you..." "why cant you...". etc.

Also, if the response is positive, and you get an ok "... shortly, just want to finish watching/doing.." Then just let it go. 99% of things just dont need to be done *now*. Avoid repeating yourself about it too. Give a reasonable time for the request unless it is urgent...

Being a teenager was tiring

[Dilligaf]

You've been given lots of advice but hey, I figure the more you get, the more you can sift through to find what will work for you...

Firstly, I would define what is negotiable and what is not... for example, as long as no food goes into her room, as long as it's just mess and she shuts her bedroom door, then does it REALLY matter if it's a pigsty?
Secondly, her looks are less important than your relationship with her - she wants blue hair? pft! whatever, you may think it's hideous, but again, it's a minor thing that can easily be changed but if it's something that is used to beat her up (figuratively speaking) then it's another hurdle in your relationship...
I would concentrate on mutual respect issues and working as a team issues regarding household chores. Respect has to be a two way thing - find her 'currency' (what they hold dearest) and use it to reward / punish her.

You know, youngatart was right, teenagers today are facing far more than we ever had to. I would hate to go through all of that again and don't envy my child having to do it one bit.

Sort out what you can live with and change the rest.

[Jorja]

One of my boys is nine next month. He throws the biggest tantrums at times. Often ending in
'YOU JUST DON'T LOVE ME!! I SHOULD JUST RUN AWAY!! YOU WOULDN'T EVEN NOTICE!!!!!'

last night I let him go. He went to his friends house to cool off then i made him come home and sit down and talk to me calmly. Turns out he was feeling like crap (he has arthritis). But one minute he is the kindest, sweetest child and next he is like some monster someone else has raised.

Listening to other comments on here, I am thinking to myself maybe I should run away. When he gets to about 12

[RiderInBlack]

Awesome stuff Dudes and Dudettes
Really Feel for ya Goblin. Lucky for Blue Babe and I, "Z" aren't got that bad (yet). We know that there is a lot of changes in "Z's" life. Both internally and externally, biochemically and emotionally. We are doing the best we can, and at the end of the day more concerned for her than the chores. Going to the School counsellor was the best thing for us as a couple, and I am deeply honoured that BB has allowed me to be part of this.
"Z" has improved greatly over the last week. She is one hell of a hard worker at her job and we never have had to nag her about getting her school work done. Her main sport is hockey, which she plays at 100+%. She is very hard on herself if the game doesn't go the way she wants it to go. "Z" is often very keen ta do new things, but gives up easily if they don't work out the way she wants it to go. She wanted ta try welding earlier this year so I took her out to my Father's work shop and set-up the arc welder on some waste steel. She had a go, but got very frustrated and angry very quickly when she couldn't get the rod started easierly. I tried to encourage her and showed her that even I had difficulty getting a weld started, but she soon gave up. This hardness on herself and impatience effects a lot of things in her life, and is part of our concern for her. Yes she will improve over time, but in the mean time she is at risk of taking life too hard.
She seems to have few friends at school and, if it wasn't for hockey, she doesn't go out of the house much. Looking forward ta summer again, cause we had a lot of fun with letting her learn ta ride the old TS125 Ag bike. She has asked to go possum hunting before and I wish ta be able ta do that with her too, but am not keen ta put a gun in her hand if she is still lossing it too easily.
With Father's day coming BB and I have been trying to encourage both "T" (BB's nearly 18 year old son) and "Z" to spend sometime with their Dad now he is back in the country. "T" said he will take "Z" down ta AK ta see him (I've offered fuel money), but can't see why he should "always" make the efford ta see his Dad. We want them ta have a better relationship with him as that can only be better for all of us, but at the end of the day that is up to "Z", "T", and their Dad.

[Winston001]

My daughter is 13 so I'm a bit apprehensive after reading this thread. I think the best thing in her favour is that as an oldest child, she is risk averse so hopefully won't be tempted into extremes of behaviour - drugs, alcohol etc. However I'm not assuming - we'll keep a steady eye on her.

The way I deal with my children is to mentally put myself in their shoes. I can remember, or at least sense what it is like to be 13. Once you capture that feeling it is a lot easier to understand motivations and reactions. Not that it is easy, it just helps.

Good luck. Most teenagers are difficult and yet they turn into fine adults.

[Goblin]

You know, youngatart was right, teenagers today are facing far more than we ever had to. I would hate to go through all of that again and don't envy my child having to do it one bit.

Sort out what you can live with and change the rest.

This is not a dig at you Dilligaf but what are teenagers facing that is so much tougher than when we were teens? To me it seems they have things too easy. It's the generation of instant gratification. If things dont happen fast enough and they get all shitty and blame their parents.

[RiderInBlack]

It's not your fault, but there are things you can do to help avoid the reactions. Just a simple, polite "could you do xxxx please". Avoid all questions that involve asking why... "why haven't you..." "why cant you...". etc.

Also, if the response is positive, and you get an ok "... shortly, just want to finish watching/doing.." Then just let it go. 99% of things just dont need to be done *now*. Avoid repeating yourself about it too. Give a reasonable time for the request unless it is urgent...

Being a teenager was tiring

Ya have a point there and as true Adults we need to lead by example (not easy I tell ya), but it does wear thin if she is not polite back ("Z" has one hell of a tone in her voice even if we ask nice). How do ya take someone stomping off and slamming their bedroom door if ya don't change the main TV to the chanel she wants (remeber she has her own TV in her room that she is free ta watch what she wants on) or getting snotty if she is asked ta give us room on the couch? Being a responcible Adult is even more tiring, but as a true Adult ya learn ta cope with that as just part of getting on with life.

[Duke girl]

I can honestly tell u that there r so many others who are in the same boat you are in. None of us have been taught how to be parents and we have only learnt wat we know from our own parents. Yimes have changed heaps since we were at their age and my oldest was exactly like yours is. Untidy room, no respect for me or to her younger sister and knows everything. Her father was never there for her when I was married to him and now that she has moved out and living with her boyfriend he is now back on the scene and in her life. Back in our day we were seen and not heard and there was no way in hell that we ever mouthed off to our parents. We had chores to do and if we didnt do them we were punished big time. I find kids today have no respect for their parents let alone themselves and I think we can thank society for that. try and keep strong and be there for her thru the good times and the bad as then she cant throw it back in yr face that u gave up on her. Good luck and hope it all works out for you.

[yungatart]

This is not a dig at you Dilligaf but what are teenagers facing that is so much tougher than when we were teens? To me it seems they have things too easy. It's the generation of instant gratification. If things dont happen fast enough and they get all shitty and blame their parents.

Well, I can only speak for when I was a teen, and I'm pretty old..
Drugs..I never even knew anyone who did drugs..the worst we had to contend with was nicking a beer off dad or stealing his smokes.
The materiial world...there was nowhere near the choices around of "stuff" to spend your money on, that is assuming that you had money to start with. The pressure of school, I swatted for two days to pass my School C..from text books I might add, as I didn't have any notes to study. Try and take a text book home from school now..
Finished 6th form and kicked back, cruised right through the school holidays hanging around with my friends, then went job hunting on the first day of the new school year and got a job...fulltime, as I wasn't going back to school.
There were also less media influences around for fashion, "the perfect body and the right look" hadn't even been invented.
Now, the pressure is on kids to "succeed", be sporty, ambitious, have their career mapped out, look good, wear the right clothes blah blah blah from such a young age...we forget that they are still kids.

[Joni]

This is not a dig at you Dilligaf but what are teenagers facing that is so much tougher than when we were teens? To me it seems they have things too easy. It's the generation of instant gratification. If things don’t happen fast enough and they get all shitty and blame their parents.

The internet has changed everyone lives... the hard part of "fitting in" that teenagers deal with has become bigger and harder with the internet. Just like here on KB people tend to be a lot harder on people when they are not face to face... the likes of Bebo, Facebook etc has made it harder for teens (but yes its lots of fun too)

Apparently the bullying factor has exploded through the internet, txt etc this created more unhappiness... when we were kids, there was nothing like that.

I read something of late that teenagers today are a lot more stressed that they were 20 years ago. They worry about financial stuff now.. Think about it, when you were teenager there weren't all the gadgets, designers etc that kids have to deal with today... this apparently creates stress.

All these plus the confusion that comes with being a teenager, has helped contribute to more unhappy and angry children... this in turn results in more expressions of that fear etc... and the reactions become so much stronger than they were when I was a teenager. They are carving their identity in a much more drastic way than we did…

Well that’s my take on thing, just taking my background and what I have had to deal with in the past. I may be wrong…

[RiderInBlack]

To me it seems they have things too easy. It's the generation of instant gratification. If things dont happen fast enough and they get all shitty and blame their parents.

This was the same for our Parents, we had it easier than they did, as they had it easier than theirs. Still remember Grandfather thinking we were a bunch of spoilt softies. Funny thing as I get older I find myself understanding more of were he was coming from. We were lucky ta get a TV and it was B&W. Change the channel on our parents, ya got ta be joking. I had 4 years of Boarding School. Shit ya got caned just for talking after lights out.
No I don't want ta bring those bad old days back (High School was not the best years of my life), but there is a balance to be had when it comes to discipline that seem ta be lacking now.
"Z" very much wants ta join the Army when she leaves school. Hope she has learnt some coping skills by then cause she will find it very hard if she tries arguing with them.
Funny thing is her hockey Couch gives them push-ups (real ones, not girly ones) if they don't do as they asked, and she actually revels in having ta do them. Go figure, LOL

[Dilligaf]

This is not a dig at you Dilligaf but what are teenagers facing that is so much tougher than when we were teens? To me it seems they have things too easy. It's the generation of instant gratification. If things dont happen fast enough and they get all shitty and blame their parents.

Well okay, let's take the instant gratification thing then... I remember that if i or my family didn't have the 'latest' thing / gadget / label etc it was not a big deal. Bring on the advent of "get it now, you DESERVE it' message bombardment from advertisers and kids certainly do want it now and think they deserve it. Come on, Mum and Dad don't wait until they have the money for (insert anything here from LCD TV, home theatre systems, ipods etc etc etc), they HP it... why should teenager learn delayed gratification if Mum and Dad can't?

Drugs. Now, although a certain sprinkling of grey is evident in my hair, I was not THAT long ago in school. And the worst thing that I ever heard of (not offered please note) was tobacco! That was rebellion. And I went to a private girls school (not in NZ btw)- nowadays those same rich girls would more than likely have a excess of money and a lack of parental presence which is a nasty combination.

Sex. Well again, although given sex education complete with condoms on banana demonstrations, I was certainly never told that "Oral sex is not really sex" which is the crap peddled at our kids. Ever wondered why when we finally have a liberal sex education message with a no holds barred approach, why are our STD rates increasing? Teen pregnancy rates going up? Gosh if sperm are getting through, what else is? Again, hate to be navigating those waters as a teenage girl.

Also, there was a time when those youngsters who were not of a studious nature could opt for a vocation where they learnt on the job. And the schooling that they had received by then was enough to have them literate and numerate to a basic liveable level. Think you could get away with leaving school at 15 nowadays? Even your traditional jobs where it was all about the hands and not about the head have to go to tech or school of some sort. And then you are not guaranteed by then that you have the competency in literacy and numeracy that you will need to survive. (edit = ever wondered that's why there is an explosion of people offering finance to the lower socio economic end of society - how numerate do you think those people are? How has our education system failed those people? i.e. is it really greed or is it a lack of understanding as to what they are really signing up for? Because I know that many have been astounded at how much extra they have been conned in to unknowingly)

Basically I do think that our kids have a worse deal now. They have so much bullshit to navigate. Politicians call it spin. Manufacturers call it advertising. School tells them that there are no losers; that man is inherently good. They see people in the news accused of horrific things getting away with it because as a society we are not allowed to judge what is right and what is wrong "because everyone has their own truth".
Before my horse gets away on me , that's my thoughts on why it would suck to go through adolescence again now.

[McJim]

Listening to other comments on here, I am thinking to myself maybe I should run away. When he gets to about 12

My mum actually did that.

It doesn't help

[RiderInBlack]

I'm a 63 model. That means I went ta High School in the 70's. Unemployment was well over 10%. Dropping out of school was not a smart move. There was drugs. LSD, Cocaine, Marijuana, alcohol and not to mention other things that some of us experimented with. Sex was there, but the education was a long way off catching up with it. Temptations was there. We all want cool clothes (Levi's, etc), the latest Hi-Fi's and music, and liked blowing our money on making our cars/bikes go faster (or at least make them look like they could). We also thought our lives were not worth it if we couldn't afford or have them. So really I don't think a lot in that has changed, just the way ya can get it has.

[Ocean1]

So really I don't think a lot in that has changed, just the way ya can get it has.

Amen. Big change though, could you have done without until you saved up for your toys if money was dangled in your face like it is today?

There's a quote lurking in the back of (what I shall, for now call) my mind, somat about someone ranting on about this new generation and how they got no respect etc etc. The quote's not important, the puncline is the source: Confucius (551-479 BC). It's supposed to highlight that all generations feel this way about their offspring.