Parenting a changeling

[Goblin]

I think the title of the thread speaks volumes. They are "changelings"! If we've put in the ground work and layed some good foundations then there is a good chance that they will get over this stage and come out the other end as decent human beings. Well I hope so anyway.

[Winston001]

I'm not shitting you though, from my experience, all those families that have the really well behaved kids are regular church going families. They have strong family bonding and full respect for one another. There is a definite distinct pattern taking place here.

Sure it ain't for everybody and not all families need it, but I'm going to give it a go and raise my child around the churches teachings. The wife and I are expecting in another few months, so I better go find me a bible!

Don't want to hijack the topic but I agree with Dafe. I was brought up going to church but ignored it as an adult. However once my children were born I started taking them to church.

Why? Because I think the spiritual aspect of life is largely lacking in Western society. I want my children to at least know the basics of Christianity and religion so they can learn respect and understanding for other beliefs as they grow up.

I also happen to believe that most religions serve to provide a moral and ethical framework for people so they are better members of the community.

Now I know every one of us can point to a bad religious person (Graham Capil etc) but that overlooks the millions of good people. After all, the odd biker deals in drugs - does that mean we all do?

[RiderInBlack]

"Don't want to hijack the topic"
Then please don't. Do not want this ta head to the Pointless Drivel.

Much good has been said here. So although we agree with some and some we may not, it has all helped us look at the bigger picture. So thanks Dudes and Dudettes

[Laava]

You guys hang in there! In 3,4 or 5yrs you'll all be laughing about it!

[RiderInBlack]

You guys hang in there! In 3,4 or 5yrs you'll all be laughing about it!

Thanks Mate. Will give BlueBabe ya Mobile. Not there tonight and "Z's" tried it on again while a friend of BB's was visiting knowing BB would not like ta make a seen. Just too bad cause "Z" was going so well this morning. Wish I had been there ta support BB. Had a long chat ta BB on MSN. Hope she can get some sleep ta night. Will be there tomorrow.

[Holy Roller]

The internet has changed everyone lives... the hard part of "fitting in" that teenagers deal with has become bigger and harder with the internet. Just like here on KB people tend to be a lot harder on people when they are not face to face... the likes of Bebo, Facebook etc has made it harder for teens (but yes its lots of fun too)

Apparently the bullying factor has exploded through the internet, txt etc this created more unhappiness... when we were kids, there was nothing like that.

I read something of late that teenagers today are a lot more stressed that they were 20 years ago. They worry about financial stuff now.. Think about it, when you were teenager there weren't all the gadgets, designers etc that kids have to deal with today... this apparently creates stress.

All these plus the confusion that comes with being a teenager, has helped contribute to more unhappy and angry children... this in turn results in more expressions of that fear etc... and the reactions become so much stronger than they were when I was a teenager. They are carving their identity in a much more drastic way than we did…

Well that’s my take on thing, just taking my background and what I have had to deal with in the past. I may be wrong…

The Internet, Texting, mobile phones instant communication allows one to respond and react instantly to the other who may be in their face. In my day there was at least a couple of hours or even days before we confronted that person and the edge usually had been taken off the situation by then. Notr so now, just pure venom and unthought out emotions instantly blazed across what ever media one happens to be using at the time.

I have 5 kids, the oldest two are a real credit to the Mrs and myself, I am real proud of them. Since they have left home techonolgy has changed so much so quickly its another world that the next lot of changelings are exposed to. We have brought up all of the kids to live by the Judeo-Christian ethic, but there comes a time when they make their own decisions. Rightly or wrongly depending on the values one has tried to instill. Each child is different and reacts different to any given situation, I've just got to be there for them when they make right or wrong (bad, dumb) decisions, this is not always easy as I feel that the responsibility of their decisions is mine and this somehow reflects on me as a person.(bad kids= bad parents) especially as one is well known in the community.
While my kids are not in the (bad) category, they are trying to find where they fit and who they are in society, not an easy ask in this age. Emo is the grouping my kids who are still at home are identifing with at the moment. Thankfully its more the music style that they like than the cutting of the wrists. The bands they listen to are positive and helpfull (Underoath, Demon Hunter, August Burns Red) and I like them so that helps heaps. I try to keep the communication lines open, not always easy and often with heaps of static. I find that we are much easier on the younger ones now, though not fully convinced that this is the best for them. I guess that I just got to be there for them come hell or high water. This weekend I'm taking my daughter to the Cold Kiwi honouring a promise. She is so excited to be going with her dad. I'm looking forward to it, spending some time with her and proberly more money than I should.
Even though I have had a couple of kids leave home everything changes and I have to readjust to the needs of those who are still at home. What worked with the older ones often wont work with the younger ones, this parenting of changelings is hard yaka no wonder I'm going grey.

[slowpoke]

Aaaaaah, who are we kiddin' here, just lock 'em under the stairs from the age of 12 to 35. Honestly, watching them come cautiously out into the sunlight, gratitude written all over their grubby lil' faces......it's.......it's just one of those precious parenting moments that makes it all worthwhile........

[Dafe]

Never been to Northern Irelend then? The 'Christian' fuckers over there were pretty nasty pieces of work.

Haha, I have heaps of family over there and I myself am half Irish.

I've not seen the behaviour you describe at my local church, not in over 30 years. Doubt I ever will. However you are describing an extremist situation, not one describing the reality of our NZ environment.

Please, don't bring afghanistan into this either.

[Laava]

Aaaaaah, who are we kiddin' here, just lock 'em under the stairs from the age of 12 to 35. Honestly, watching them come cautiously out into the sunlight, gratitude written all over their grubby lil' faces......it's.......it's just one of those precious parenting moments that makes it all worthwhile........

Dad?? Is that you?

[RiderInBlack]

Aaaaaah, who are we kiddin' here, just lock 'em under the stairs from the age of 12 to 35. Honestly, watching them come cautiously out into the sunlight, gratitude written all over their grubby lil' faces......it's.......it's just one of those precious parenting moments that makes it all worthwhile........

Funny that. In a way that's what my parents did. 7day boarding School from 13 to17yrs. Then private boarding @ 18 while doing Polytec. Then Flatting as I was working full time. The advantage of being 40km out of town back in the 70's and 80's.

[Blue Babe]

"Z" Saw the school councilor today & she rang me. I'm a bit gob smacked as "Z" has said I'm an awesome mother. She's just feeling a bit left out or as she put it pushed out because of Doug. Councilor said that is natural & to spend time with her... Thought I was doing that (which I am, Heaps of time) Any way councilor has said to be patient as she is having teenager jealousy which is normal & that she will get over it as soon as she finds an outlet. i.e. Boyfriend or some other sport or interest to keep her occupied, so she doesn't sit & brood all day long. In the meantime we must stick to our guns with her room & the TV etc. I will also make a 'girls day only', about once a fortnight or once a month depending on whats happening with her & with Us. I will also encourage her to get out more & spend time with her friends, cause that could be another problem.
Suppose it is just time that will sort this one out as every one has said.
Thank you to all who have had an input to this thread. It is very much appreciated & has given us food for thought that we aren't that bad off compared to some of you out there. Hope every one elses comes right too.
Thanks again... Trish

[MyGSXF:Me]

Heya Trish & Doug.. That's awesome to hear!!! Of course you are a great mum!!!! & Z knows that!!! The girlie day sounds fantastic too.. paint each other nails & eat chocolate!!

Jen

[Mom]

I'm a bit gob smacked as "Z" has said I'm an awesome mother.

Now see feeling gobsmaked is silly Trish! Of course you are a wonderful mother!

Good feed back from the councillor too, seems young 'Z' has lots working in her favour.

[mstriumph]

and yet I have noticed (just my opinion)

In my experience the frustrated teenagers in a religiously oppressed or religiously hypocritcal household go right off the rails in the teen years creating a tonne of grief or they just get really clever at the double life thing...so they just appear to be the model child

you are right, of course
and, unfortunately, people with a poor self-image or unresolved worth issues tend to become uncritical followers of whomsoever they percieve to be 'strong' --------- no matter how deluded or inappropriate that may be

it's as though their powers of discernment are suspended ...........

[Blue Babe]

I came home from work yesterday to find "Z" had completely re-arranged her room, dusted, vacuumed & made her bed Most impressed. Even her mood has improved from the last few days of hell again.
Today she spotted a rabbit in the pet store & went all gooey over it. Nagged & nagged at me for it. In the end I said she could but she must pay for the whole thing i.e. cage, hay, food etc etc & that she will have to take full responsibility for her actions in her room (keeping it clean & tidy) & with the rabbit. (keeping it clean & tidy). If she doesn't then I will remove the rabbit & sell it & keep the money. Also her attitude towards Doug & I must improve dramatically Today & then remain better permanently. Have I done right Or have I done wrong........???? I'll find out soon enough Huh???
I've also been a bit naughty in the fact I didn't talk to Doug, first about it, which I know I should've done, but I'm hoping his love of animals will stand me in good stead It was the last bunny & the others had been sold real quick.