Blonde revenge

**bear** · 18th May 2005, 16:02

No doubt been done before, but worth a giggle...

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer, who was also a blonde.
The cop asked to see the blonde's driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.
"What does it look like?" she finally asked.
The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it."
The driver finally found a square mirror, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. "Here it is," she said.
The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying,
"Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."
==
A blonde phones the fire brigade and says 'Can you please come quick, my house is on fire and will be demolished if you don't save it!'
The fireman asks "How do we get there?"
"Hellloooooo", the blonde replies, "in the fu*king big red truck!"
==
Two blondes realize that their apartment is on fire and go out onto the balcony.
"Help, help!" yells one of the blondes.
"Help us, help us!" yells the other.
"Maybe it would help if we yelled together," said the first blonde.
"Good idea," said the other.
"Together, together!"
==
Two blondes are in Los Angeles
One blonde was looking at a travel brochure and asks the other.... "Which is further,London or the Moon?"
The other blonde replies:
"HELLOOOOO!!!!!!
Can you see London from here?????!!!!!"
==
A blonde decided to commit suicide by hanging herself from a tree in the park.
The next day, a man was walking his dog and spotted her hanging from the tree. He asks the blonde what she is doing and she replies, 'I'm hanging myself.'
'You're supposed to put the noose around your neck, not your waist,' said the onlooker.
I tried that,' replied the blonde, 'but I couldn't breathe.'
==
A blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open and her right breast hanging out. A policeman approaches her and says, "Ma'am, are you aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?"
She says, "Why officer?"
"Because your breast is hanging out." he says.
She looks down and says, "OH MY GOD, I left the baby on the bus again!"
==
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She says, "What's the story?"
He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor"
She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"
==
A blonde was driving home after a game and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun. He told her just to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard and all the dents would pop out.
So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her tailpipe.
Nothing happened. So she blew a little harder, and still nothing happens.
Her roommate, another blonde, came home and said, "What are you doing?
The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out. The roommate rolled her eyes and said, "Uh, like hello! You need to roll up the windows first."
==
A blonde went to an eye doctor to have her eyes checked for glasses. The doctor directed her to read various letters with the left eye while covering the right eye. The blonde was so mixed up on which eye was which that the eye doctor, in disgust, took a paper lunch bag with a hole to see through, covered up the appropriate eye and asked her to read the letters. As he did so, he noticed the blonde had tears streaming down her face.
"Look," said the doctor, "there's no need to get emotional about getting glasses."
"I know," agreed the blonde, "But I kind of had my heart set on wire frames."
==
A blonde was terribly overweight, so her doctor put her on a diet.
I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day. Repeat this procedure for 2 weeks.
"The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds."
When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor. She had lost nearly 20 pounds.
"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said. "Did you follow my instructions?"
The blonde nodded. "Ill tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that 3rd day."
"From hunger, you mean?" asked the doctor."
"No, from all that skipping!"

**GSVR** · 18th May 2005, 16:32

Well since your from Wellington you may like this joke I heard a while back:

An Aucklander parks his brand new Porsche in front of the office in Ponsonby to show it off to his colleagues . As he's getting out of the car, a truck comes speeding along too close to the kerb and takes off the door before speeding off.
More than a little distraught, the Aucklander grabs his cell phone and calls the police . Five minutes later, the police arrive . Before the policeman has a chance to ask any questions, the Aucklander starts screaming hysterically : "My Porsche, my beautiful silver Porsche is ruined. No matter how long they work on it at the body shop it'll simply never be the same again!"
After the Aucklander finally finishes his rant, the policeman shakes his head in disgust: "I can't believe how materialistic you bloody Aucklanders are, " he says. "You lot are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else in your life!" How can you say such a thing at a time like this?" The policeman replies: "Didn't you realize that your right arm was torn off when the truck hit you?" The Aucklander looks down in absolute horror......"F****NG HELL!!!!!!" he screams..... "Where's my Rolex?"

**MSTRS:Me** · 18th May 2005, 16:56

A wife arrived home from a shopping trip, and was horrified to find her husband in bed naked, with a lovely young thing. Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her and said, "Honey, before you leave, please let me explain."
The wife stopped to listen. He continued, "I was driving along the highway, and I saw this young girl looking very tired and bedraggled, so I offered her a lift. She was also hungry, so I brought her home and made her a meal from the roast beef in the refrigerator which you didn't like. She was wearing some much worn sandals, so I gave her a pair of your shoes which you'd discarded simply because they were out of style. She was cold, so I gave her the sweater I bought you for your birthday - the one you never wore because the colours didn't suit you. Her slacks were torn, so I gave her a pair of yours that were perfectly good, but much too small for you now."
The wife seemed to have no problem with any of this, but still needed just one question to be answered. "That's all fine and good," she said, "but why did I find you both in our bed with no clothes on?" The husband replied, "Well, that's simple... see, as she was about to leave the house, she turned to me and asked, "Is there anything else that your wife doesn't use anymore?"

**250learna** · 6th June 2005, 01:46

A blondes boyfriend is cheating on her. She finds out, buys a gun and confronts him about the cheating. Then pulls out the gun and puts it to her head. At this her boyfriend yells out "NO dont do it", she replys "shut da fuck up, your next"

**Beemer** · 6th June 2005, 12:05

Just a few funnies to add to the collection - love the blonde jokes, glad I'm a redhead!

Two women are walking home after a girly night out. They are very drunk and the walk home is taking some time due to their intoxicated state.
Eventually, they find themselves desperate for a wee. At that particular moment, they are passing a church and decide to go behind the headstones in the graveyard. As they finish they both realise they have nothing to 'freshen-up' with so the first woman decides to use her knickers and then throw them away. The second woman is wearing very expensive underwear and is reluctant to lose them, when she notices a new grave nearby with lots of fresh flowers, amongst which is a very lavish bouquet with a thick soft ribbon. 'Just the job' she decides and without another thought, duly drags the bouquet over and uses the ribbon to dry herself. Their task completed, the women continue staggering home.
Next morning, the husband of the first woman phones the husband of the second. "We need to keep an eye on our wives. Mine came home with no knickers on last night. "You think you've got problems" exclaims the second husband "My wife came home last night with a card stuck up her bum that said, "We'll Never Forget You - From all the lads at the Fire Station"
~~
A wife came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman. With super-human strength borne of fury, she dragged him down the stairs, out the back door, into the tool shed in the backyard and put his penis in a vice. She then secured it tightly and removed the handle. Next she picked up a hacksaw.

The husband was terrified, and screamed, "Stop! Stop! You're not going to cut it off, are you?" The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, put the saw in her husband's hand and said, "Nope. I'm going to set the shed on fire. You do whatever you have to."
~~
A lawyer and a blonde woman are seated next to each other on a flight from Los Angeles to New York. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game.
The blonde just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains, " I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and vice-versa."
Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500."
Figuring that since she is a blonde, he will easily win the match.
This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to his torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"
The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five-dollar note and hands it to the lawyer.
Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer: "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"
The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends emails to all his co-workers and friends he knows.
All to no avail. After over an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500.
The blonde politely takes the $500 and turns away to get back to sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer?"
Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.
~~
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."
Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."
He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then....."he said with a deep sigh"... "Let's put all these Corn Flakes back in the box."
~~
A dwarf with a lisp goes into a stud farm
"I'd like to buy a horth" he says to the owner of the farm.
"What sort of horse?" said the owner.
"A female horth" the dwarf replies.
So the owner shows him a mare.
"Nithe horth." says the dwarf, "Can I thee her eyeth?"
So the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horses eyes.
"Nithe eyeth.", says the dwarf, "Can I thee her teeth?"
Again the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horses teeth.
"Nithe teeth.... can I see her eerth?" the dwarf says.
By now the owner is getting a little fed up but again, picks up the dwarf TO show him the horses ears.
"Nithe eerth.' he says 'Now...can I see her twot?"
With this the owner picks the dwarf up by the scruff of his neck and shoves his head deep inside the horses vagina. He holds him there for a couple of seconds before pulling him out and putting him down.
The dwarf shakes his head and says:
"Perhaps I should weefwaze that...Can I see her wun awound?"
~~
A commercial traveller was driving through the Scottish Highlands when his car broke down. There was a cottage near by so he went up to it and knocked on the door. The door opened to reveal a burly Highlander.
"My car has conked out," said the traveller, "Where can I spend the night?"
"Why, right here of course!" said the Scot, "Come in and avail yourself of our world famous hospitality."
The traveller duly entered the humble but cosy residence.
"Jeannie," shouted the host in the direction of the kitchen, and in response to his call his beautiful daughter appeared.
"Jeannie, make a meal for the gentleman and remember to uphold our great tradition of Highland hospitality." The traveller was soon tucking into an appetising meal, the girl had indeed spared no effort to extend Highland hospitality to the guest.
"And now," said the Highlander, "I'm afraid I must go out and milk the cows, but just make yourself at home and take full advantage of our world famous Highland hospitality."
No sooner had the door closed behind him than the traveller set about seducing the lovely daughter. In no time at all he had had her on floor and was on the job.
Suddenly the door opened and there stood the Highlander. He took one look at what was going on and his face turned purple with rage. He dropped his two buckets of milk with a crash and gave verbal vent to his wrath.
"After all I have been saying about the Highland hospitality," he roared, "Arch your back woman, and take the poor man's balls off the cold floor."
~~
A man boards an airplane and takes his seat. As he settles in, he glances up and sees a most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realizes she is heading straight towards his seat. A wave of nervous anticipation washes over him. Lo and behold, she takes the seat right beside his.
Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurts out,
"Business trip or vacation?"
"Nymphomaniac Convention in Chicago," she states
Whoa!!! He swallows hard and is instantly crazed with excitement.
Here's the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen, sitting RIGHT next to him and she's going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain his outward cool, he calmly asks,
"What's your business role at this convention?"
"Lecturer", she says. "I use my experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."
"Really," he says, swallowing hard, "what myths are those?"
"Well," she explains, "one popular myth is that African American men are the most well-endowed when, in fact, it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Greek descent."
Suddenly, the woman becomes very embarrassed and blushes. "I'm sorry," she says, "I shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name!"
"Tonto," the man says, as he extends his hand. "Tonto Kapoulitsas."
~~
A husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed when his wife complained, as usual, "I have a headache."
"Perfect" her husband said. "I was just in the bathroom powdering my penis with aspirin. You can take it orally, or as a suppository - it's up to you."

**soundbeltfarm** · 6th June 2005, 12:24

Originally Posted by 250learna

A blondes boyfriend is cheating on her. She finds out, buys a gun and confronts him about the cheating. Then pulls out the gun and puts it to her head. At this her boyfriend yells out "NO dont do it", she replys "shut da fuck up, your next"

like that one

**SPman** · 6th June 2005, 21:14

Not posting any more jokes here.
Last one got me into so much strife, never again!

**MSTRS:Me** · 15th June 2005, 09:35

A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down. The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego?"

"Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?" "Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I'll give you $100 for your trouble." "I'd be happy to," said the blonde.

So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts. Off they went.

Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified!! There was the blonde walking down the street and holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd. With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde.

"What the heck are you doing here?" he demanded, "I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo." "Yes, I know you did," said the blonde, "but we had money left over so now we're going to Sea World.

**Wolf** · 15th June 2005, 22:08

Blonde's mating call: "Gee, I'm pissed."

Brunette's mating call: "Has the blonde gone home yet?"

Red-head's mating call: "NEXT!"

I actually saw a guy tell that joke while he was sitting right next to his red-haired girlfriend and he didn't even have the wit to duck immediately after he said it.

You guessed it - he was blond.

**Conquiztador** · 17th September 2007, 20:44

A male lawyer and a blonde woman are sitting next to each other on a long flight. The lawyer asks her if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap. So she politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists, that the game is a lot of fun. "I ask you a question. If you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5. If you ask me a question and I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500."

This catches the blonde's attention. To keep him quiet, she agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"

The blonde doesn't say a word. She reaches into her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it's the blonde's turn. She a asked the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"

The lawyer uses his laptop and searches all references. He uses the air-phone. He searches the Net and even the Library of Congress. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail.

After one hour of searching, he finally gives up. He wakes up the blonde and hands her $500. The blonde takes the $500 and goes back to sleep.

The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes her up and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"

The blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.