Spending time apart: how much is appropriate?

**MotoGirl** · 23rd March 2009, 07:17

I am scheduled to have a debate with someone later this afternoon and I can see the subject being raised about what is appropriate in terms of how much time a couple spends apart.

In my opinion, if you’re in a relationship you should want to spend time with your partner; where the relationship is new, it’s traditionally the more time the better. I accept that the amount of time spent together could change based on the type, length and state of the relationship. The person I'll be chatting with is in a relationship with someone who leaves town almost every single weekend for at least a day trip, if not the whole weekend.

For those of you in a relationship, how often do you leave your partner and head out of town for a day or two? Are you visiting old and sick relatives or having a getaway with the girls/boys? And at what point is independence too much independence?

**yungatart** · 23rd March 2009, 07:21

I went to the US for a month and left Mstrs holding the fort. That is the longest we have been apart, but two or three days away is not uncommon for either of us. It is no big deal if you trust each other.
We have a strong relationship and don't feel the need to be together all the time.
There is an old saying, "Absence makes the heart grow fonder"

**nallac** · 23rd March 2009, 07:27

It all depends on the couple,
my olds work together and spend 99% of there
time together...something i don't want (at the mo).

Its something my wife and me couldn't quit cope with...too much getting on each others nerves.

**MsKABC** · 23rd March 2009, 07:29

It all depends on what the couple is happy with. I know people who go away weekend after weekend to dog shows, leaving their partners at home. I guess it seems to work for them (although who would know?) I know another couple who are barely ever separated, and they are happy too. If there is a difference in what both partners deem as reasonable, then that's where you get conflict.

**Dooly** · 23rd March 2009, 07:45

Some weekends the wife is gone at 7ish out with her horsey mates riding. I usually go out on the bike most of the day and we see each other late arvo.
Some weekends it happens both days.
She goes away a few times a year up to 4 days at a time on horse events.
Hell, I love it, gives me space.
I think time apart is good for us.
Mind you I'm not a clingy lovey dovey type.

**Blossom** · 23rd March 2009, 07:55

Definitely varies depending on the people and the relationship. Personally we don't tend to spend weekends away from each other (but we have only been married for 17yrs so it may change yet) But we often go out alone for an afternoon or evening or day.
But I guess it depends on how that separation affects the relationship. If it causes pain or deterioration to the couple then its too much. If it does not affect the relationship negatively then its not too much.
Just my 2c worth

**White trash** · 23rd March 2009, 07:58

12 minutes is appropriate I reckon.

**JimO** · 23rd March 2009, 08:05

the longer your together the more time you want to spend apart

**shafty** · 23rd March 2009, 08:12

GoGal and I enjoy time apart and LOVE getting back together afterwards. I guess it depends on where the person PREFERS to be - with or away from, their partner.

Every weekend sounds a bit strange ...

**Winston001** · 23rd March 2009, 08:14

The fact you are going to have this conversation tells you that for at least one of the people in the relationship, there is too much time apart. If a couple love each other, they are normally comfortable together and prefer being together.

Nevertheless there is no rule, as said above couples can happily have their separate interests and time apart. In fact I think it is healthy, its just a matter of how much and why. Down the pub every weekend isn't healthy.

The point is that if one person feels neglected or second choice to other interests then that's an unbalanced relationship. It's bound to lead to unhappiness and bitterness in the long term. So your friend needs to tackle this and make their feelings known. It might all end in tears but better now than months or years later.

**CookMySock** · 23rd March 2009, 08:22

Originally Posted by MotoGirl

In my opinion, if you’re in a relationship you should want to spend time with your partner

There are lots of things we believe about "what we get from our relationship" which in reality turn out to be pipe dreams. They are a function of what we grew up with (or what was missing from that period) and what we need for our own lives, and usually end up projected on to some person who seems to fit the bill. Suffice to say, this usually becomes painfully clear that it was all an impossible fantasy.

Originally Posted by MotoGirl

at what point is independence too much independence?

There is no such thing as too much independance. If there was, then there would also have to be too much love (from the other persons perspective.)

The only real solution is absolute independance, and absolute love.

Steve

**keithbuckby** · 23rd March 2009, 08:24

My wife and I have only spent 6 weeks apart in the 11 years we have been together, and that was when I was in hospital, so we were only apart at night really. I find I would rather be around her, and she comes with me on the rides, mushy I guess lol

**ManDownUnder** · 23rd March 2009, 08:45

There's not set amount of time that's right or wrong - it's a continuum depending on the people involved. Think of the relationship as having 3 parties, him, her and the relationship itself. Each needs time to develop. grow and enjoy life.

I heard an interesting perspective on it once. Couples start off doing everything together. But after a while if they keep doing everything together, all the time, they'll have nothing left to talk about... not good...

**Finn** · 23rd March 2009, 08:46

This thread is making me feel sick.

**vifferman** · 23rd March 2009, 08:58

You're going to get the same answer every time: depends on the couple.
Paul McCartney apparently spent only two nights apart from Linda in the whole time they were married. I've endeavoured to spend as much time as possible with my wife since I met her 31 years ago, but I've had times where I've had to travel for work, including 16 weeks in one 18-month period.
As the vifferbabe is my best friend, I love spending time with her. Lately I've decided to "Say "NO!" to shopping though"....
Actually, that's not really true; I'll go shopping with her (even the dreaded shopping for quilting materials) as a favour to her. Yesterday I said "No" to grocery shopping, as I was busy cutting up glass into small bits and joining it back together. Usually I either do the grocery shopping so she can do other things, or we do it together.