Oldie, but still not bad.

**F5 Dave** · 10th November 2004, 08:19

Ben Elton?!?!! Good grief, he would have had to been a teenager!

**jazbug5** · 11th November 2004, 17:44

I needed a laugh after the last couple of days, and this popped up in my emails. Sorry if you'e seen it afore...

Exam Question

This is brilliant! Had to be a KIWI student on exchange

The following is supposedly an actual question given in a University of Washington chemistry mid-term exam. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas*cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave.

Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their faith, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can reliably project that all souls go to Hell.
With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which Souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "it will be a cold night in Hell before I sleep with you, and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.

The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore extinct...leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being, which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."

Allegedly this student received the only A

**Slipstream** · 11th November 2004, 20:06

Brilliant ....

**F5 Dave** · 12th November 2004, 08:23

This turned up yesterday, I have been toying with posting it on one or two of the US sites I frequent:

To the citizens of the United States of America

In the light of your failure to elect a proper educated, intelligent,
honest President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby
give
notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today. Her
Sovereign
Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchial duties over all
states,
commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not
fancy.

Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the
97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world
outside
your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need
for
further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A
questionnaire
will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid
in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules
are
introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.
Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be
amazed
at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will
be
reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping the
letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you
will
learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters. You will
end your
love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the
suffix
"ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise". You will learn that the
suffix
'burgh is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to
respell
Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct
pronunciation. Generally,
you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up
"vocabulary".

Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises
such
as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of
communication. Look up "interspersed". There will be no more 'bleeps'
in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad
language
then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your
vocabulary then you won't have to use bad language as often.

2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know
on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take
account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize".

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian
accents.
It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to
Cockney,
upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have
to learn how to understand regional accents - Scottish dramas such as
"Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we're
talking about
regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in
England. The name of the county is "Devon". If you persist in calling
it Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g.
Texasshire,
Floridashire, Louisianashire.

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as
the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to
play
English characters. British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or
"Red
Dwarf" will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy
American
audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political
incorrectness.

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The
Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want
you to get
confused and give up half way through.

6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one
kind
of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very
good
game.
The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your
borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football.
You will
no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper
football.
Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a
difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed
to play rugby
(which is similar to American "football", but does not involve
stopping
for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour
like
nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens
side
by 2005. You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to
host an
event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played
outside
of America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world
beyond
your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you
will be
allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders" which is baseball
without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or
hotdogs.

7. Your men's soccer team needs to improve so they can at least beat
your women's soccer team

8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new
national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive
Day".

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for
your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what
we mean.
All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will
start
driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will
go metric
with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables.
Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British
sense of humour.

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French
fries are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian
though
97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in
Europe) are not
aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling
potato chips are properly called "crisps". Real chips are thick cut
and fried
in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which
should
be served warm and flat. Waitresses will be trained to be more
aggressive
with customers.

11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to
all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity
to be
doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.

12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not
actually
beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British
Bitter will
be referred to as "beer", and European brews of known and accepted
provenance will be referred to as "Lager".

The substances formerly known as "American Beer" will henceforth be
referred to as "Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine", with the exception of the
product of
the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as
"Weak
Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine". This will allow true Budweiser (as
manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsn, Czech Republic) to be
sold without
risk of confusion.

13. From December 1st the UK will harmonise petrol (or "Gasoline" as
you will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices
with
the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the
former USA
and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly
$6/US
gallon - get used to it).

14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns,
lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and
therapists shows
that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be
handled
by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without
suing
someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to
handle a
gun.

15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly
to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).

Thank you for your cooperation.

**Skyryder** · 12th November 2004, 10:31

The only joke I can remember is the first one I ever heard.

This pretty young teacher entered the classromm to find half the class missing. She set out the lesson for thos who were there and was interupted by the first of her missisng students

"Johny why are your late for class?"

Johny replied that he had been birdnesting up Mary Lane.

Not long after this his mate Ned turns up and he too explains that he has been birdnesting up Mary Lane

A few minites later another group of students came into class and the teacher asked why they were late.

"Sorry Miss for being late but we have been birdnesting up Mary Lane."

Now by this time the teacher was getting a bit concerned so she pulled out a map from her drawer with the intention of going to Mary Lane and getting the rest of her class.

Just as she was about to go the headmaster came into the class room with a new student.

Boys and girls we have a new student starting today.

"Her name is Mary Laine."

**750Y** · 12th November 2004, 14:54

what's white & 12 inches long?............................................. .nothing.

**F5 Dave** · 12th November 2004, 15:06

Originally Posted by 750Y

what's white & 12 inches long?............................................. .nothing.

How do you explain this then?

**SPman** · 12th November 2004, 15:28

Has this been on before?

An Australian guy decides to travel around the Greek Islands.
He walks into a bar and Jill (the Australian Barmaid) takes his order, a Fosters, and notices his accent. Over the course of the night they get to know each other.
At the end of Jill's shift he asks her if she wants to come back to his
place and have sex with him. Although she is attracted to him she says no. He then offers to pay her $200 for sex. Jill is travelling the world and
because she is short of funds she agrees.
The next night the guy turns up again, orders Fosters and after showing her plenty of attention throughout the night he asks if she will sleep with him again for $200. Jill remembers the night before and is only too happy to agree.
This goes on for 5 nights. On the 6th night the guy comes in, orders Fosters and sits in the corner. Jill thinks that if she pays him some more attention then maybe she can then shake some more cash out of him again, so she goes over and sits next to him.
She asks him where he's from in Australia and he tells her: "Melbourne".
"So am I... What suburb in Melbourne?"
"Glen Iris" he replies
"That's amazing..." she says, "So am I - what Street?"
"Cameo Street" he replies
"This is unbelievable..." she says,"What number?"
He says "Number 20" and she is totally astonished.
"You are not going to believe this but I'm from Number 22! My parents still live there!"

"I know..." he says, "Your Father gave me $1,000 to give to you"