The facts about women, All men listen up!

[Sully60]

I've been trolling through some old emails and found this:



Pregnancy, Estrogen, and Women

PREGNANCY Q&A &more!

Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.

Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?

Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.

Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.

Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.

Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.

"ESTROGEN ISSUES"

10 WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE "ESTROGEN ISSUES"

1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet.
3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
5. You 're using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says: "How's my driving-call 1- 800-".
6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.
7. Everyone seems to have just landed here from "outer space."
9. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
10. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.

TOP TEN THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND
10. Cats' facial expressions.
9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors.
8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds.
7. Fat clothes.
6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time.
5. The difference between beige, ecru, cream, off-white, and eggshell.
4. Cutting your hair to make it grow.
3. Eyelash curlers.
2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.

AND, the Number One thing only women understand:

1. OTHER WOMEN

Disclaimer:
Views and opinions expressed or implied are not those of Monster Inc. HQ or any of it's members, However any green rep can be sent though to.....
Sully60 or Number One

[007XX]

Mods, please hide this one from Judecatmad!

[nudemetalz]

sheez...and we're about to start a family.....
Time to hide the M-16 I think...

[Sully60]

sheez...and we're about to start a family.....
Time to hide the M-16 I think...

Nah, It's nothing like this at all, you'll have nothing to worry about at all, everything will be fine....

At least that's what I was told.

[judecatmad]

Mods, please hide this one from Judecatmad!

Too late, seen it! Was lots of this:

My work colleagues are looking at me strangely cos I'm laughing so much! At least I think that's why they're looking at me strangely.......

[Sully60]

Too late, seen it! Was lots of this:

My work colleagues are looking at me strangely cos I'm laughing so much! At least I think that's why they're looking at me strangely.......

Good on ya!
If you can laugh at this at your stage of "proceedings" you're going to be just fine.

[Ocean1]

Carol Burnett to Bill Cosby: “Take your bottom lip, pull it as far away from your face as you can... now pull it over your head.”

[judecatmad]

These are my favourites!

Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.

10 WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE "ESTROGEN ISSUES"

1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
5. You 're using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says: "How's my driving-call 1- 800-".

Another favourite of mine is a quote from my (sadly deceased) father-in-law. He always used to say that you should never trust anything that can bleed for 7 days and not die!

[007XX]

Too late, seen it! Was lots of this:

My work colleagues are looking at me strangely cos I'm laughing so much! At least I think that's why they're looking at me strangely.......

Thank goodness you have a good sense of humour! The funny thing was, during my pregnancy, I had a lot of the "symptoms" of the Estrogen issues paragraph...I'm so glad it seems funny now!

Good on ya!
If you can laugh at this at your stage of "proceedings" you're going to be just fine.

See Jude, I'm not the only one saying that...

[Sully60]

These are my favourites!



Another favourite of mine is a quote from my (sadly deceased) father-in-law. He always used to say that you should never trust anything that can bleed for 7 days and not die!

Sorry for the vulgarity but you missed the two other things from that saying:

Can bury a bone without digging a hole

and make milk without eating a blade of grass

Not MY words ladies, not my words..

[skelstar]

CHICKS!!!!?!?!?!?!




gah!

[Edbear]

It's not difficult to make a woman happy. A man only needs to be:

1. a friend

2. a companion

3. a lover

4. a brother

5. a father

6. a master

7. a chef

8. an electrician

9. a carpenter

10. a plumber

11. a mechanic

12. a decorator

13. a stylist

14. a sexologist

15. a gynecologist

16. a psychologist

17. a pest exterminator

18. a psychiatrist

19. a healer

20. a good listener

21. an organizer

22. a good father

23. very clean

24. sympathetic

25. athletic

26. warm

27. attentive

28. gallant

29. intelligent

30. funny

31. creative

32. tender

33. strong

34. understanding

35. tolerant

36. prudent

37. ambitious

38. capable

39.. courageous

40. determined

41. true

42. dependable

43. passionate

44. compassionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:

45. give her compliments regularly

46. love shopping

47.. be honest

48. be very rich

49. not stress her out

50. not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself

52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself

53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:

54. Never to forget:

* birthdays

* anniversaries

* arrangements she makes





HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY

1. Show up naked

2. Bring food

[007XX]

You say all of that like there is something wrong with it...

[Edbear]

You say all of that like there is something wrong with it...

10char

[Sully60]

WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST



She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee. Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box. Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week. Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl. And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.



Keep reading-they get better!!!




--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

WOMEN'S REVENGE



"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.

As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.

"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.

"No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."




--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

UNDERSTANDING WOMEN

(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)

I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.




--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.

He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.

She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?

He answers, "You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she.

(I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton!)




--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

WIFE VS. HUSBAND

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"

"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."




--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

WORDS



A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000.

The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...

The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"






--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

WHO DOES WHAT



A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.

The wife said, "You should do it because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.

The husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."

Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and beside s, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."

Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says .. "HEBREWS"



God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece