Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast
Results 1 to 15 of 21

Thread: Company Christmas Party

  1. #1
    Join Date
    8th August 2007 - 19:12
    Bike
    Best Bitza Bucket 2008 BoB
    Location
    Norf Welly, it's MASSIF!
    Posts
    1,493
    Blog Entries
    12

    Company Christmas Party

    Just in from HR:

    CHRISTMAS PARTY ANNOUNCEMENT


    FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

    TO: All Employees

    DATE: October 01, 2007

    RE: Christmas Party

    I'm happy to inform you that the company ChristmasParty will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House.

    There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols...feel free to sing along.And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up as Santa Claus!

    A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 p.m.. Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over
    $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees! Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!

    Merry Christmas to you and your family.

    Patty

    ********************* ******************************

    FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

    TO: All Employees

    DATE: October 02, 2007

    RE: Holiday Party

    In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees.We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday,
    which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this
    year.However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party."

    The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians or those still celebrating Reconciliation Day.

    There will be no Christmas tree. No Christmas carols sung.

    We will have other types of music. Happy now?

    Happy Holidays to you and your family.

    Patty


    ************************************************** ***


    FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

    TO: All Employees

    DATE: October 03, 2007

    RE: Holiday Party

    Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table ... you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a
    table that reads, "AA Only"; you wouldn't be anonymous anymore.

    How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody?

    Forget about the gifts exchange, no gifts exchange are allowed since the union members feel that $ 1 0.00 is too much money and
    executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy. NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.


    ************************************************** ***


    FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

    To: All Employees

    RE: Holiday Party

    What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours.

    There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your
    meal until the end of the party- or else package everything for you to
    take it home in little foil doggy baggy. Will that work?

    Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Wa tc hers to sit farthest from The dessert buffet and pregnant women will get
    the table closest to the restrooms.

    Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, each will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table.

    To the person asking permission to cross dress, no cross-dressing allowed though.

    We will have booster seats for short people.

    Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet.

    We cannot control the salt used in the food we suggest for those people with high blood pressure to taste first.

    There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics, the restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts. Sorry!

    Did I miss anything?!?!?

    Patty


    ************************************************

    FROM: Pat ty Lewis, Human Resources Director

    TO: All F****** Employees

    DATE: October 05, 2007

    RE: The F****** Holiday Party

    Vegetarian pricks I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your f****** salad bar,including
    organic tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW! I hope you all have a rotten holiday!

    Drive drunk and die,

    The Bitch from HELL!!!!!!!!

    *********************************************

    FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director

    DATE: October 06, 2007

    RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party

    I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy ecovery
    and I'll continue to forwa rd your cards to her. In the meantime,
    management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23 rd off with full pay.

    Happy Holidays!

    Joan

  2. #2
    Join Date
    25th March 2007 - 12:04
    Bike
    SPEED TRIPLE
    Location
    LA LA LAND
    Posts
    1,365


    OMG! THAT IS FARKEN FUNNY! AND SADLY TOO CLOSE TO TRUTH......I WORK IN HR!
    No body move... I dropped my brain

  3. #3
    Join Date
    25th March 2007 - 12:04
    Bike
    SPEED TRIPLE
    Location
    LA LA LAND
    Posts
    1,365

    The Real Meaning Behind Job Descriptions

    "COMPETITIVE SALARY"
    We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

    "JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY"
    We have no time to train you.

    "CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE"
    We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up.

    "MUST BE DEADLINE-ORIENTED"
    You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.

    "SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED"
    Some time each night and some time each weekend.

    "DUTIES WILL VARY"
    Anyone in the office can boss you around.

    "MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL"
    We have no quality control.

    "CAREER-MINDED"
    Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).

    "APPLY IN PERSON"
    If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the position has been filled.

    "NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE"
    We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.

    "SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE"
    You'll need it to replace three people who just left.

    "PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST"
    You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.

    "REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS"
    You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.

    "GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS"
    Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.
    No body move... I dropped my brain

  4. #4
    Join Date
    26th September 2006 - 16:33
    Bike
    Suzuki Smash 2016. (Yes, really!)
    Location
    Philippines
    Posts
    1,325
    Bloody brilliant! And too, too close to the truth!
    "Statistics are used as a drunk uses lampposts - for support, not illumination."

  5. #5
    Join Date
    15th May 2007 - 11:26
    Bike
    Triumph Speed Four
    Location
    SouthDorker
    Posts
    2,343


    *sending this right away to my company's HR....they'll love it from their padded room*

    Bling deserved and sent...
    Quote Originally Posted by Wolf View Post
    Time to cut out the "holier/more enlightened than thou" bullshit and the "slut" comments and let people live honestly how they like providing they're not harming themselves or others in the process.

  6. #6
    Join Date
    8th August 2007 - 19:12
    Bike
    Best Bitza Bucket 2008 BoB
    Location
    Norf Welly, it's MASSIF!
    Posts
    1,493
    Blog Entries
    12

    Some more just in.....

    I would never use foul language to talk to my subbordinates. Hang on.....


    Go f*&k yourself I post on KB any C$%nting time I want you scruffy little duct erecting motherf%^ckers!

    Sorry 'bout that, now here some tips that HO sent though:

    Dear Staff :


    It has been brought to Head Office's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their colleagues.

    Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.

    We do, however, realise the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with colleagues.

    Therefore, a list of 13 New and Innovative "TRY SAYING" phrases have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.

    1. Try Saying: I think you could do with more training Instead Of: You don't have a f***ing clue, do you?

    2. Try Saying: She's an aggressive go-getter. Instead Of: She's a f***ing power-crazy b*tch

    3. Try Saying: Perhaps I can work late Instead Of: And when the f*** do you expect me to do this?

    4. Try Saying: I'm certain that isn't feasible Instead Of: F*** off a*se-hole

    5. Try Saying: Really? Instead Of: Well f*** me backwards with a telegraph pole

    6. Try Saying: Perhaps you should check with... Instead Of: Tell someone who gives a f***.

    7. Try Saying: I wasn't involved in the project. Instead Of: Not my f***ing problem

    8. Try Saying: That's interesting. Instead Of: What the f***?

    9. Try Saying: I'm not sure this can be implemented within the given timescale. Instead Of: No f***ing chance mate.

    10. Try Saying: It will be tight, but I'll try to schedule it in Instead Of: Why the f*** didn't you tell me that yesterday?

    11. Try Saying: He's not familiar with the issues Instead Of: He's got his head up his f***ing a*se.

    12. Try Saying: Excuse me, sir? Instead Of: Oi, f*** face.

    13. Try Saying: Of course, I was only going to be at home anyway Instead Of: Yeah, who needs f***ing holidays anyway

  7. #7
    Join Date
    23rd June 2007 - 20:30
    Bike
    2007 Yamaha R-Sixer
    Location
    Jafa
    Posts
    470
    Blog Entries
    1
    classic well done! i like it

  8. #8
    Join Date
    25th March 2007 - 12:04
    Bike
    SPEED TRIPLE
    Location
    LA LA LAND
    Posts
    1,365
    To: All Employees



    Dear Staff,

    It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada sneakers and carrying a Gucci bag we assume that you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.



    Personal Days:

    Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday and Sunday.



    Lunch Breaks:

    Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average size. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill.



    Sick Days:

    We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.



    Restroom Use:

    Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. There is now a strict 3 minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of 3 minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet pater roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offender" category.



    Surgery:

    As long as you are employed here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed will constitute a breach of employment.



    Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation, and input should be directed elsewhere.



    Have a nice week.
    No body move... I dropped my brain

  9. #9
    Join Date
    8th August 2007 - 19:12
    Bike
    Best Bitza Bucket 2008 BoB
    Location
    Norf Welly, it's MASSIF!
    Posts
    1,493
    Blog Entries
    12
    Good one Stirts...
    Must spread more rep blah blah.

    Hey who's seen the S. Claus Vs NZ Government Powerpoint?
    It's fuggin funny and a little disturbing because apart from the Santa bit it's all too close to the truth.
    PM me if you haven't and I'll email it through.

  10. #10
    Join Date
    9th May 2007 - 11:14
    Bike
    A dirty black one.
    Location
    Marlbrough Sounds
    Posts
    1,622
    Bwahahaha, these jokes are classic guys!
    "I came into this game for the action, the excitement... go anywhere, travel light,... get in, get out,... wherever there's trouble, a man alone... Now they got the whole country sectioned off; you can't make a move without a form."

    Paved roads are just another example of wasted tax payer dollars.

  11. #11
    Join Date
    25th March 2007 - 12:04
    Bike
    SPEED TRIPLE
    Location
    LA LA LAND
    Posts
    1,365

    HR Professional in love

    To, Priya
    Sub: Offer of love!

    Dearest Ms prey,

    I am very happy to inform you that I have fallen in Love with you since
    the 14th of October.

    With reference to the meeting held between us on the 13th of Oct. at 1500 hrs, I would like to present myself as a prospective lover. Our love affair would be on probation for a period of three months and depending on compatibility, would be made permanent. Of course, upon completion of probation, there will be continuous on the job training and performance appraisal schemes leading up to promotion from lover to spouse. The expenses incurred for coffee and entertainment would initially be shared equally between us. Later, based on your performance, I might take up a larger share of the expenses. However I am broadminded enough to be taken care of, on your expense account.

    I request you to kindly respond within 30 days of receiving his letter, failing which, this offer would be cancelled without further notice and I shall be considering someone else. I would be happy, if you could forward this letter to your other friends (girls), if you do not wish to take up this offer.

    Wish you all the best!
    Thanking you in anticipation,
    Yours sincerely,


    John
    HR Manager
    No body move... I dropped my brain

  12. #12
    Join Date
    24th July 2006 - 11:53
    Bike
    KTM 1290 SAR
    Location
    Wgtn
    Posts
    5,541

    Christmas Party

    FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
    TO: All Employees
    DATE: 5th November

    Christmas Party
    I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take
    place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room
    at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks!
    We'll have a small band playing traditional carols...please feel free
    to sing along.
    And don't be surprised if the Managing Director shows up dressed as
    Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 p.m.
    Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however,
    no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for
    everyone's pockets.
    This gathering is only for employees! The Managing Director will make
    a special announcement at the Party.
    Merry Christmas to you and your Family.
    Pauline


    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



    FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
    TO: All Employees
    DATE: 5th November
    RE: Holiday Party
    In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees.
    We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday, which often
    coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year.
    However, from now on we're calling it our 'Holiday Party'. The same
    policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians. There
    will be no Christmas tree or Christmas carols sung. We will have other
    types of music for your enjoyment.
    Happy now?
    Happy Holidays to you and your family,
    Pauline.


    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


    FROM; Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
    TO: All Employees
    DATE: 6th November
    RE: Holiday Party
    Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous
    requesting a non-drinking table... you didn't sign your name. I'm
    happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that
    reads, 'AA Only', you wouldn't be anonymous anymore!!!! How am I supposed to
    handle this? Somebody?
    Forget about the gift exchange. No gift exchange allowed now since the
    Union officials feel that $10.00 is too much money and Management
    believe $10.00 is a little cheap.
    NO GIFT EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.
    Pauline.


    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


    FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
    TO: All Employees
    DATE: 7th November
    RE: Holiday Party
    What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins
    the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking
    during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can
    appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our
    Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on >>> serving your meal
    until the end of the party - or else package everything up for you to
    take home in a little foil doggy bag. Will that work?
    Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest
    from the dessert buffet; pregnant women will get the table closest
    to the toilets; Gays are allowed to sit with each other; Lesbians do not
    have to sit with gay men; each will have their own table.
    Yes, there will be flower arrangements for the gay men's table, too.
    To the person asking permission to cross dress - no cross dressing
    allowed.
    We will have booster seats for short people. Low fat food will be
    available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the
    food. We suggest those people with high blood pressure taste the food first.
    There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics; the restaurant
    cannot supply 'No Sugar' desserts. Sorry!
    Did I miss anything?!?!?!?!?!
    Pauline.


    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


    FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
    TO: All F****** Employees
    DATE: 8 November
    RE: The ******** Holiday Party.
    Vegetarian pricks! I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep
    this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can
    sit quietly at the table furthest from the 'grill of death', as you so
    quaintly put it. You'll get your f****** salad bar, including organic
    tomatoes, but you know tomatoes have feeling, too. They scream when you slice them.
    I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW!!
    Hope you all have a rotten holiday ! Drink, drive, and die!
    The Bitch from HELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


    FROM: John Bishop - Acting Human Resources Director
    DATE: 9th November
    Pauline Lewis and Holiday Party
    I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pauline Lewis a speedy
    recovery, and I'll continue to forward your cards to her.
    In the meantime, Management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and
    instead, give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd December off with full pay.
    Go soothingly on the grease mud, as there lurks the skid demon

  13. #13
    Join Date
    8th August 2007 - 19:12
    Bike
    Best Bitza Bucket 2008 BoB
    Location
    Norf Welly, it's MASSIF!
    Posts
    1,493
    Blog Entries
    12
    I wonder if Pauline and Patty were twin sisters?
    Or maybe the same person in parallel universes equally screwed by the PC Nazi's?


    Far out the PC Nazi Brigade has found a wormhole!

  14. #14
    Join Date
    24th July 2006 - 11:53
    Bike
    KTM 1290 SAR
    Location
    Wgtn
    Posts
    5,541
    Quote Originally Posted by Sully60 View Post
    I wonder if Pauline and Patty were twin sisters?
    Or maybe the same person in parallel universes equally screwed by the PC Nazi's?
    That would explain why I couldn't find her eh?

    Quote Originally Posted by Sully60 View Post
    Far out the PC Nazi Brigade has found a wormhole!
    ... and festooned it with dayglow vests, cones and tape no doubt.
    Go soothingly on the grease mud, as there lurks the skid demon

  15. #15
    Join Date
    8th August 2007 - 19:12
    Bike
    Best Bitza Bucket 2008 BoB
    Location
    Norf Welly, it's MASSIF!
    Posts
    1,493
    Blog Entries
    12
    Quote Originally Posted by Ocean1 View Post
    That would explain why I couldn't find her eh?



    ... and festooned it with dayglow vests, cones and tape no doubt.
    They would have had a mountain of JSA's on them just to get near the thing.
    The site specific safety plan would have to be so big it would create it's on gravitational field rendering the original wormhole completely useless!

Thread Information

Users Browsing this Thread

There are currently 1 users browsing this thread. (0 members and 1 guests)

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •