What happened to my friends?

[Macstar]

It's a little difficult for me to write the following, but here it goes:

Christmas and New Year has always been a family and friends time for me, something I'd look forward to for the whole year (spending time at our batch in the Coro). My parents seperated years ago though and now my brother, mother and two sisters have all moved to Oz to live. Over the last five years a further 7 close friends have moved off shore permanetly. Of my remaining friends 4 were married and are starting families.

I try to visit my friends and family abroad when possible but this is obviously few and far between. My married and new family starting friends are difficult to hang out with in terms of the times and activities we can do and frankly seem to be quite engrossed in their own new lives.

My old best mate who I used to live with ended up shacking up with another flatmate who happened to also be married and then the two of them ran away together and had a kid. I was a bit of a bastard to them for a while afterwards though even after the dust had settled we were never able to pick up our friendship again as he now has a family to tend for.

I've made some excellent motorcycle mates here on KB though for some reason these friendships struggle to extend beyond the motorcycle relm.

Anyway, the point of my little rant is that I think it is really hard to make friends nowadays and this will be my first xmas holiday with just the girlfriend and I (my new best friend).

People seem so busy with their work and own lives that maintaining friendships almost seems a burden in some cases. I can qualify this statement from my own experiences too, as by the time I've finished my work, exercise, study, cooking, spending time with my girlfriend etc. how many hours are left?

Well, sorry to be a 'downer' - cheerish your good friends cause their bloody hard to replace!

[Grub]

Christmas is a good time to have such thoughts, as uncomfortable as they are. Your point is well made and noted

[Chickadee]

TIme to spread your social wings and find some more mates to visit, always a good bunch on KB having social gatherings to go to. We'd of loved to have gone to them but having no family when we were in Aucks to babysit was a downer.

[skelstar]

...yeah bet its tough. Had something similar once but it just sorts itself out. Least you're not trying to get a shag through KB, you'd be stuffed now! LOL

[SlashWylde]

Anyway, the point of my little rant is that I think it is really hard to make friends nowadays and this will be my first xmas holiday with just the girlfriend and I (my new best friend).

People seem so busy with their work and own lives that maintaining friendships almost seems a burden in some cases. I can qualify this statement from my own experiences too, as by the time I've finished my work, exercise, study, cooking, spending time with my girlfriend etc. how many hours are left?

I agree, you're right, it is hard to make friends and maintain existing friendships these days.

I guess one just has to make an extra effort in these areas. One of the biggest lessons I've learned this year is "You get out what you put in". Meaning, what you get out of your life is proportional to the effort and energy you put into it. This can be in terms of work, study, relationships or anything really.

Seems obvious really but the experiences I've had this year have really impressed this upon me.

[HungusMaximist]

I reckon there's also a bit to do with the attitude of people in New Zealand. They seem to stick to their own groups and only step out of their circle to contact you, when they have a reason to or that they have something to gain.

Like most things, maintaining relationships are easier than making new ones, but then again that's just a saying.....

[Trudes]

Still got the batch in Coro?
I'll be your friend......
lol.
Yep, it can be tough, but like someone else said, you have to look at what you put in to any relationship, it's very hard having a good relationship with someone who doesn't give back what they receive, and my personal pet peeve, people who don't listen and talk too much... about themselves, constantly, lol!
Good luck mate, join a club or two.

[NighthawkNZ:Me]

It's a little difficult for me to write the following, but here it goes:

rant rave blah blah blah etc etc etc

Well, sorry to be a 'downer' - cheerish your good friends cause their bloody hard to replace!

There is a difference between aquantences and true friends, you may have heaps of aquantences, but only a couple of true friends. True friends come far and few in between, and true friends don't let anything get in between them. Friends will help each other out through the thick and the thin.

I was told years ago when I was knee high to a grasshopper, you will probably only have 5 or 6 true friends through out your life. 1 or 2 in child hood, maybe 1 or 2 in teenage, 1 or 2 as young adult and 1 or 2 as a old bastard. All the rest are just aquantences.

Some one who will listen, help and encourage when needed. You may loose contact for a many year, and then just pick up as if nothing has happened and start your normal gas bagging. True friends just click.

True friend will not bail you out of jail... s/he will be sitting beside you in jail. (Ok maybe a joke but there is a deeper meaning in that saying)

Also some one that will tell you, you are wrong when you are, but being tacfull about it and also support you when you are right.

Of course this also goes both ways, and you have to be willing to do the same. One way friendships can and are a drain, and do not last.

Yes people change, lives go forward, marriage and children alter they way people react... change happens and there is nothing you or anyonew can do about it, just move on.

[James Deuce]

Friends, schmends.

I prefer victims.

[Pwalo]

It's all part of growing up. Things/circumstances change. I know an awful lot of people (or should that be a lot of awful people), but I'm really happy being by myself or just with the wife and kids (well sometimes I'm not so sure about the boys).

It's a bit of a bummer when you're feeling lonely, but at least you have a girlfriend, somewhere to live, etc. You can always polish your bike. That always helps. Or try and cook Christmas dinner. That's always good for a laugh.

[Taz]

I only have a couple of real good friends also. A few more aquaintances. But even if you only have one true friend you're doing well.

[Mikkel]

I hear what you're saying and I agree that over time it seems it's getting harder and harder to keep strong friendships alive. I'm not going to blame anyone more than myself though - we're all so bloody busy making plans, organising our lives and indulging ourselves! And to be honest I wish it was otherwise, but in this time and age it is actually pretty damn difficult to change it... Let's hope it'll pass with time.

As for the few true friends and lots and lots of acquaintances - I am with you on that one. It's certainly true of my social circle!

There's a good oneliner, not dissimilar to the one you wrote Nighthawk:

Friends helps you move, real friends help you move bodies.

[Joni]

It’s weird but I have been thinking about a very similar thing…. For me I think I have realised that things definitely change as we all know, but its 100% linked to decisions that are made by yourself and others…

I have all my life had a few good friends, which I hold very close and cherish! My decision to immigrate to NZ has removed me from them on a physical level… and I have found myself longing for them, because as you say in this day and age making new friends is not the easiest. (Although I will say I have been lucky enough to make a few friends I will cherish for life here in NZ).

So its true you should value the people in your life, and always remember that the decisions you make have consequences.

My heart is pretty sore at the moment, miss Evelyn and Shaun my 2 closest friends very much… sometimes late at night when Im lying in bed, I wonder if it the sacrifices I made to be in NZ have been worth it.

Great post Macstar!

[Number One]

Of course this also goes both ways, and you have to be willing to do the same. One way friendships can and are a drain, and do not last.

Yes people change, lives go forward, marriage and children alter the way people react... change happens and there is nothing you or anyonew can do about it, just move on.

Ditto what most have said. I have only 2 very close friends that I'd call TRUE. One is my hubbie and I'd call him my BESTEST mate and I have an awesome girlfriend who supports and loves me, hubby and our boy as extensions of her own family.
Recently decided to move on from my "apparently true" girlfriend, as it was just getting depressing to be the only one making any effort just to be turned down 99.9% of the time. That gets old pretty quickly and I put up with it for around 15 years...so I think I have been more than patient.
She was at my boys birth and was to be his guardian (should anything awful happen quickly touching wood). This guardian arrangement was one that was agreed well before he came along and despite her saying many times that she would move heaven and earth to be there for him (in the event of the awful) Over the 4 years she has only made a real effort to come see us/him at his birthday parties (which she always managed to leave soon after arriving - after standing on the deck smoking through most of it and drinking the free wine)...this year we didn't even hear from her at all. I only care because of my boy now...but I suspect she has the pip because (after lots of soul searching) I sat her down and explained that we had decided to have one of our sets of parents be his guardian as her life (as a single) is all about her and she is thinking of moving out into the booneys and well she doesn't make an effort now while we are alive. Plus now we have a kid we recognise the sacrifices required and the importance of the role of a guardian and given the lack of effort she has made as an 'aunty' I doubt that she'd be able to make the necessary efforts to do the right thing by our lad.
ALSO I believe that guardians should know the child well and the child should know and be comfortable with them too. She missed the point completely explaining that she was totally prepared to drop everything for him if she needed to and responded as if I had taken her promised toys away!
This from a woman who has 'seen' him a sum total of about 7 times (no exaggeration) over the last four years and who invites me to her place fairly infrequently and always "by myself for a girls night" and at the last minute...as if her real plans had fallen through and she didn't want to be alone.
It was his birthday on Sunday and since we last spoke I have been to Outward Bound and christmas is coming up and she hasn't bothered to make any contact at all....sent her an Xmas card to let her know we were thinking of her...NOTHING. I have definately moved on as it has been one sided for ages and frankly I deserve a friend who gives a shit, not one who just contacts me when she has nothing better to do. Get the feeling she never really was a TRUE friend...very sad as I thought she was and put lots into the friendship myself.
Do feel heaps better now that I have made my mind up to move on too - sometimes I think it is bad for you to hold onto things that just aren't....and I now recognise that you don't have to have heaps of true friends as 1 or 2 true ones more than make up for 12 untrue ones.
OK, sorry - rant over now and I feel much better thankyou for suffering through that.

[Macstar]

Thanks for your posts guys. I've lived in a few small towns growing up and it was definitely much easier to meet your neighbours and community in general than a big city like Auckland.

I agree that I should be making more effort and getting into clubs etc, though as people have rightly said here, it's quite easy to make acquaintances and that's probably not the issue for me: A good friend or two is what I'm really after.

I'll throw another idea out there for you all (something I have come across repeatedly as a business / marketing student and business consultant). There is a diliberate strategy today for consumer product producers to associate emotions with their marketing and advertising / brand i.e. you will feel good if you buy this product or be the envy of others etc. So as consumers we work frantically to earn the money to buy the latest iPod or plasma tv, car etc.

It is this combination of working more to buy more and the diversion of spending away from social activities to materialism that in the opinion of many causes unhappieness and loneliness.

In fact, I read a study back in uni of people's perceived satisfaction from spending / commercialism vs social networks and in the long term, it was demonstrated that people who spend their time with friends and family rather than at the shopping malls are much happier.

I feel a New Year's resolution coming on!