What happened to my friends?

[Number One]

It is this combination of working more to buy more and the diversion of spending away from social activities to materialism that in the opinion of many causes unhappiness and loneliness.

Money can't buy happiness and all that aye? It's easy to feel dissatisfied with what you have when you are always looking at what others have that you don't...the old Keeping up with the Jones' mindset I guess.

[Bloody Mad Woman (BMW)]

Hey you have someone special in your life. I hear what you are saying tho. I have a family (bar a brother and nephew) who don't honestly give a shit if I lived or died - I have absolutely no expectations from them - however I can choose my friends.

My xmas plans all turned to the shitter last week. A friend I was to stay with told me I couldn't - I could have created drama but what's the point. Shit happens - I'm not gonna stress over crap like that - turns out really well in fact. I am going to Nelson. My mother has dementia (I don't include her in the above comment) I think this will be the last Xmas she will recognise me. She is like taking out a little girl - happy in herself - waves at the men in cars and says hello lol I hold her hand to cross the road and I notice she doesn't want to let go of my hand - she looks up at me with such joy on her face - (mum wasn't like that before) ok she repeats herself a bit - but one thing that surprised me (I saw her 6 weeks ago after an 18 month break - cos I was too scared she wouldn't know me) she kept taking my hand and saying you are so beautiful, you look so nice. Anyway I will be taking her out for 2 hours a day (Last time I overdid it and she got too tired and heat stroke was very sick). I want to give her as many happy memories as I can - she;s had a shit life - thanks to the c..t she married, the sperm donor I call it. The staff at the home she is now in absolutely love Mum. (She received poor care in previous homes).

I have waffled. I shall be spending Xmas on my on - but it doesn't phase me - I don't do Xmas anyway. I have a few good friends - who I can trust and their company I enjoy. I'm grateful for what I have today. It may not be the ideal but I have had it far worse!! lol

Happy holidays everyone.

[Mikkel]

Thanks for your posts guys. I've lived in a few small towns growing up and it was definitely much easier to meet your neighbours and community in general than a big city like Auckland.

I agree that I should be making more effort and getting into clubs etc, though as people have rightly said here, it's quite easy to make acquaintances and that's probably not the issue for me: A good friend or two is what I'm really after.

I'll throw another idea out there for you all (something I have come across repeatedly as a business / marketing student and business consultant). There is a diliberate strategy today for consumer product producers to associate emotions with their marketing and advertising / brand i.e. you will feel good if you buy this product or be the envy of others etc. So as consumers we work frantically to earn the money to buy the latest iPod or plasma tv, car etc.

It is this combination of working more to buy more and the diversion of spending away from social activities to materialism that in the opinion of many causes unhappieness and loneliness.

In fact, I read a study back in uni of people's perceived satisfaction from spending / commercialism vs social networks and in the long term, it was demonstrated that people who spend their time with friends and family rather than at the shopping malls are much happier.

I feel a New Year's resolution coming on!

Indeed - we're starting to get to the point where moolah is the only thing that matters. If you got the dough you can get whatever you want, whenever you want and you don't need to rely on anyone else (friends, family and social network) to help you realise your dreams and desires.

It used to be the thought that mattered - now it's all about whether you get the people you care about the right colour and model of iPod.

When people fall on hard times you see others starting to collect contributions. The thought is a nice one and in a few cases it might even make a positive difference.
And this post should in no way be seen as an attempt to take anything away from the noble intentions behind such contributions, but still it's all about the bloody money.
If I'm ever going to be unlucky and end up in a bad way I hope my friends will come and see me and help me cheer up before they start throwing money at me.

Have a look at the recent camper van thread in the general discussion and you'll see how much focus the number of dollars has received. So yes, sadly, this money mentality is alive and well in NZ and on KB as well.

[Blue Velvet]

I moved flat recently and two complete strangers from KB offered to help me move my things.

My 'friends' couldn't even remember when or where I was moving to, let alone offer to help.

Edit: And no the KB strangers weren't trying to get in my pants

Edit edit: It really bugged me though that two total strangers offered to help, but people who were friends didn't (yes, past tense, not an isolated example). If I found out a friend was moving, I'd offer my muscle straight away.

[Number One]

I moved flat recently and two complete strangers from KB offered to help me move my things.

My 'friends' couldn't even remember when or where I was moving to, let alone offer to help.

Edit: And no the KB strangers weren't trying to get in my pants

Clearly there are some damn fine people on here...

[Blue Velvet]

Clearly there are some damn fine people on here...

There are.

Stop it, I'm getting weepy

[autos]

i find it amazing how many people here i can identify with and always thought of it as 'my problem for emmigrating here on my own'. i have found it extremely difficult to make new friends here in marlborough, acquaintances yes, but that extras step to friend seems to be a giant leap. im happy to put the effort in to make the trip to see people, or text or call, but when you 'wake up' and see that its 95%effort from you to keep in touch then you realise you dont get out what you put in here. my best friends here are actually my husband and wife bosses! like most good things in life, you dont miss them until they are gone.

[jrandom]

Edit: And no the KB strangers weren't trying to get in my pants

I don't think anyone else could fit in your pants.

Well, except Finn, of course, but it's not nice to poke fun at the little people.

I'd offer my muscle...

You have one?

[Blue Velvet]

I don't think anyone else could fit in your pants.

Well, except Finn, of course, but it's not nice to poke fun at the little people.

Do you think he'd be into swapping bike gear?

You have one?

Ants are very strong

[vifferman]

So, you wanna know what happened to your friends?
I stole them (coz I've got none of my own), and had them for dinner.

Very tasty they were too, apart from that gristly one, and that bloated-looking thing.

[imdying]

Edit: And no the KB strangers weren't trying to get in my pants

Without pictures of said pants, we can't comfortably draw the same conclusion

[jrandom]

Do you think he'd be into swapping bike gear?

Dunno about that, but if you cultivate his acquaintance you might be very lucky and get a ride on his Brutale 910R sometime...

[Supermoto Junkie]

It's a little difficult for me to write the following, but here it goes:

Christmas and New Year has always been a family and friends time for me, something I'd look forward to for the whole year (spending time at our batch in the Coro). My parents seperated years ago though and now my brother, mother and two sisters have all moved to Oz to live. Over the last five years a further 7 close friends have moved off shore permanetly. Of my remaining friends 4 were married and are starting families.

I try to visit my friends and family abroad when possible but this is obviously few and far between. My married and new family starting friends are difficult to hang out with in terms of the times and activities we can do and frankly seem to be quite engrossed in their own new lives.

My old best mate who I used to live with ended up shacking up with another flatmate who happened to also be married and then the two of them ran away together and had a kid. I was a bit of a bastard to them for a while afterwards though even after the dust had settled we were never able to pick up our friendship again as he now has a family to tend for.

I've made some excellent motorcycle mates here on KB though for some reason these friendships struggle to extend beyond the motorcycle relm.

Anyway, the point of my little rant is that I think it is really hard to make friends nowadays and this will be my first xmas holiday with just the girlfriend and I (my new best friend).

People seem so busy with their work and own lives that maintaining friendships almost seems a burden in some cases. I can qualify this statement from my own experiences too, as by the time I've finished my work, exercise, study, cooking, spending time with my girlfriend etc. how many hours are left?

Well, sorry to be a 'downer' - cheerish your good friends cause their bloody hard to replace!

I have to agree with you there, I have always worked hard to try and keep my good friendships alive, but when my daughter was born a few years ago it was like I had grown a second head, most of our (my wife and I) friends didn't want to know us, even if we tried hard to keep in touch and have BBQ etc, it made no difference, we all drifted apart (BTW, we were the first in our circle of friends to have a kid)

So yes a agree with ya, it is hard to make new friends, just keep at it and you'll be right, there are alot of others feeling the same way

[Beemer]

I agree, you're right, it is hard to make friends and maintain existing friendships these days.

I guess one just has to make an extra effort in these areas. One of the biggest lessons I've learned this year is "You get out what you put in". Meaning, what you get out of your life is proportional to the effort and energy you put into it. This can be in terms of work, study, relationships or anything really.

Seems obvious really but the experiences I've had this year have really impressed this upon me.

I can wholeheartedly agree with you. I have been as guilty as anyone else of neglecting friends because I am too busy/too tired/too lazy, etc and I fully intend to change that in 2008 - well, starting now really.

My dad died in 2001 and our family, which was already not that close, drifted even further apart. My mum died last month and as the family had all rallied around her while she was ill and we were all getting along, I was hoping that would continue after her death. Well, I won't bore you with the details, but the complete opposite has happened and now because of their actions I pretty much feel I have no immediate family any more, only my husband's family. I could be all bitter and twisted about it (in fact I have renamed them the BATS - Bitter and Twisted Siblings...) but have decided to get on with my life and surround myself with people who do matter. I have plenty of cousins who I haven't had much to do with over the years and I want to start seeing them more often. I also have some fantastic friends, two in particular who have been there when I've needed their support and more over the past few months. I realised during that time how important they were in my life so I am going to ensure I make more time for them in future.

My husband and I have met some great people through KB and also through work and other activities so we are making some new friends to add to the old. It is hard, and I remember a period of a few years when we didn't see many people because of things going on in their lives, but true friends are there until the end and we should treasure them.

I'm hoping 2008 will be a much brighter year for all of us. Macstar, I hope you and your girlfriend have a great Christmas and New Year and all goes well for you from now on.

[Dilligaf]

Having recently moved here I can say that it has been interesting seeing social interactions. We are a very social family and enjoy company often. When we first arrived we involved ourselves a great deal in superficial activities 'til we'd sussed out who we were interested in trying to become friends with. We really pushed (not quite the word but hopefully you'll understand) ourselves and did lots of inviting to get together with people. Some were interested and others were more reluctant.
Cue three years later and we have a circle of friends who meet regularly and have a great time. The other family who were never really interested had the cajones to say that we had become 'cliquey'. Truth is we got to the point where we just didn't bother inviting them to anything because they never were interested in coming. It bothered me because I went through a bit of angst at the beginning worried that I was a bit too pushy yet that investment in effort paid off.
And it's not always about money - nothing wrong with inviting people to a BYO picnic....
My point is, if you want friendships then you really have to invest the time and effort. I always remember the quote "If you want friends, you have to be a friend".