Had a big night out?

**MOTOXXX** · 19th November 2004, 14:45

Saw this on another forum. bit of a laugh

The Beer Scooter

How many times have you woken up in the morning after a hard night drinking and thought 'How on earth did I get home?' As hard as you try, you cannot piece together your return journey from the pub to your house.

The answer to this puzzle is that you used a 'Beer Scooter'.

The Beer Scooter is a mythical form of transport, owned and leased to the drunk by Bacchus the Roman God of Wine. Bacchus has acquired a large batch of these magical devices.

The Beer Scooter works in the following fashion: -

The passenger reaches a certain level of drunkenness and the "slurring gland" begins to give off a pheromones. Bacchus or one of his many sub-contractors detects this pheromones and sends down a winged Beer Scooter.

The scooter scoops up the passenger and deposits them in their bedroom via a
Trans-Dimensional Portal. This is not cheap to run, so a large portion of the passenger's in-pocket cash is taken as payment. This answers the second question after a night out, 'How did I spend so much money?'

Unfortunately, Beer Scooters have a poor safety record and are thought to be responsible for over 90% of all UDI (Unidentified Drinking Injuries), such as skinned knees and a sore spot on the top of your head.

An undocumented feature of the Beer Scooter is the destruction of time segments during the trip. The nature of Trans-Dimensional Portals dictates that time will be lost and thus it is seemingly unaccounted for.

This answers a third question after a night out 'What the hell happened?'

With all good intentions, Bacchus opted for the REMIT (Removal of Embarrassing Moments In Time) accessory, which automatically removes, in descending order, those parts in time regretted most. Unfortunately the only downside of this accessory is one person's REMIT is not necessarily the REMIT of another's and quite often, lost time is regained in discussions over a period of time.

Independent studies have also shown that the wearing of Beer Goggles (usually on the scooter) often cause the Scooter's navigation system to malfunction thus sending passengers to the wrong bedroom, often with horrific consequences.

For the family man, Beer Scooters come equipped with flowers picked from other people's garden and Thump-A-Lot boots (Patent Pending). These boots are designed in such a way that no matter how quietly you tiptoe up the stairs, you are sure to wake up your other half. The Special anti-gravity springs inside the boots often mean that you bump into every wall in the house. The night guidance system available with the beer goggles means that

the CTAGS (Coffee Table Avoidance Guidance System) is interfered with by the anti-gravity springs and this explains the bruised shins.

The final add-on Bacchus saw fit to invest in for some Scooters is the TAS(Tobacco Absorption System). This explains how smokers can apparently get through 150 cigarettes often ending up with a brand you have never smoked in a single night. Non-smokers similarly end up with half a packet of cigarettes and a lighter.

P.S. Don't forget the one of the scooters greatest features is on-board heater, which has always allowed you to comfortably get home from the pub in sub-zero temperatures, wearing just a T-shirt.