Separation orders

[The Pastor]

run away to hamilton

[Grahameeboy]

Hi all, not saying my real name for the reasons that follow.
I am in the process of separating from my wife. She's not a bitch and I haven't been rooting around on her, just that shit happens. I have a couple of questions that I can't ask anyone about cause no-one talks about this shit.
How do I do this? What are the things I have to do to protect my stuff and my kids? We have a couple of bills that are joint and these need to be sorted out but does anyone have a checklist of shit that I need to work through to make sure I don't get f*cked over? Do I need a lawyer? There's no house to sell but there's furniture and shit.

I don't want to say too much cause I don't need any sympathy from people recognising me. All I want to know is what I have to do. This is not a Skidmark thread, it's a genuine request for help. If you work out who I am don't bother asking I won't tell you.

Well the Family Court pay for 6 Mediation sessions to help you come to agreement regarding stuff and custody of kids.

I would try that first as once Lawyers get involved it gets more serious.

You will at some stage need to properly sort out custody. After over 2 years of having equal shared custody, ex has met a new partner etc and wants full care so beware of this one.

It will be fine.....pm if you need to vent.

[oscarnz]

Hi all, not saying my real name for the reasons that follow.
I am in the process of separating from my wife. She's not a bitch and I haven't been rooting around on her, just that shit happens. I have a couple of questions that I can't ask anyone about cause no-one talks about this shit.
How do I do this? What are the things I have to do to protect my stuff and my kids? We have a couple of bills that are joint and these need to be sorted out but does anyone have a checklist of shit that I need to work through to make sure I don't get f*cked over? Do I need a lawyer? There's no house to sell but there's furniture and shit.

I don't want to say too much cause I don't need any sympathy from people recognising me. All I want to know is what I have to do. This is not a Skidmark thread, it's a genuine request for help. If you work out who I am don't bother asking I won't tell you.

I am going thru the same thing myself. We have discussed things and sorted things out. We had already sold the house, but we still had a business together, and assets. We have decided who is getting what each, and have a lawyer drawing up a separation agreement just to make things official.

My advice is, to sort things out between yourselves first, write down who is getting what, and arrangements with kids etc. Then get a lawyer to draw up a seperation agreement (approx $500 ours is costing). That way you don't waste money going back and forward between lawyers.

Just remember to keep smiling.

[Bloody Mad Woman (BMW)]

Do get good advice from a lawyer. While you may not think it will turn to shit you NEVER know another person. I sat down with my ex husband and asked him to be professional and mature about this and I honestly thought he would however what I got was "I'll only talk to you thru a fn lawyer" he manged to drag that process thru the courts for 4.5 years cost him $70,000 so I could get nothing. LOL.

By far the best way is be armed with knowledge and facts first. Then sit down with partner and say you want to be fair and amicable. Unless you directly communicate what you want never assume the other person knows. How can they? Nobody can read minds. The marriage may not work - make sure the separation/divorce does - in a healthy way - it sure benefits the children.

My sister and her ex husband did it really well - we all still love and see our ex brother in law and his new wife and family.

Open, clear, honest communication and you can't go wrong - at least your conscience will be clear at the end of the day.

Good luck - breakups are not easy or pleasant at all. One day at a time.

[Grahameeboy]

everything will be sweet until she gets a new man or you get a girlfriend then the shit will hit the fan sort everything out early (now)

Too true, has happened to me..even the lady at the Court says this is a common theme.

[Grahameeboy]

I think there is a lot of sound advice in this thread-coming from different perspectives and experiences. Take what you want from it, but make sure it fits your circumstances. If you are not in a war, why start one-if you are in the trenchs already-bring in the hired help asap.
FWIW..my experience was to sit down with my then wife very early and nut out an agreement re property and child access. Then have it ratified by the bloodsu...err lawyers, which will still cost too much. I found it was better to give than recieve...its only $$ and stuff. You will recover. depending on where YOU are emotionally now, you could be about to face a very difficult personal episode, which could take a lot or strength to get through. The last thing you need is a war with your ex re petty stuff. This is also the LAST thing your kids need. Court battles are to be avoided at all costs. They will suck the humanity right out of you.

Agree, however, my ex has never been co-operative with shared parenting of Nats with heer special needs and regulary tells me that they do this and why don't I and now she is applying for full care spouting petty and silly allegations now she has met someone so now in the Custody Battle stage with FC.

A lawyer has been asking questions to Nats etc.....on the one hand I am sure it will be okay, however, being a Dad there is always that niggling doubt.

[ManDownUnder]

Bugger - sorry to hear it.

I know of one or two that have been through this and could adivse from a personal angle... one with a good expereince/outcome... and another dealing with a bad one.

I guess there's something to learn from both sides but hope it all works out as well as it can.

[Swoop]

" can you speed the divorce up?

*Must... refrain... from... making... comment... on... speeding...*

[MSTRS:Me]

Complications arise in the following areas, and in no particular order...

Real estate owned
Kids
Superannuation funds
Major possessions such as vehicles
Emotionally charged stuff like photos

Pretty much everything else is crumbs and not to be concerned about

You have no house etc of your own, so that's good.
You don't say how old your kids are, but the older they are, the easier that one is to deal with, because you can involve them in decisions that relate to them without resorting to 'mum/dad know best and you will do as told'.
If you have a super fund, that can get tricky, because the split of that is not it's current worth, but it's projected value. You will need an Actuary to do this. If you have a fund, but it's only been going a short time then usually it will be split on current value.
Vehicles usually get allocated a market value, so split accordingly with cash or same value of other possessions to offset any imbalance in value. Of course, bikes can have a greater emotional worth, but you have to keep that to a minimum to avoid 'blackmail'.
If you want photos, get someone you both trust to arrange copies for you both.
General furniture and stuff should be split according to the kids' requirements. Of course, great-grandma's dinnerset can be troublesome - the mature thing to do is to take things like that out of the equation and leave it in 'the blood family'.

Try to resolve everything yourselves, draw up the agreement and have it notarised, then lodge it with the Family Court.

If things are difficult, or nasty, GET A LAWYER. NOW.

[pinkhoggirl]

Mate
I haven't read ANY of the posts in this thread, because I have my own experience in this and thats where this comes from - JUST me. But just to be clear - people will sympathize WITHOUT knowing who you are, because this is one of the hardest things to go thru. Its just hard - but dont lose hope - its really possible to come out the other end very very good friends. I've done it. I've also done it the ugly way, and that wasn't even a marriage. First situation was a marriage of 13 years, and I've just last weekend been to his fiance's 40th birthday party - we get along famously. Second was a bad mistake of a relationship that got VERY ugly and cost me a lot of money to get out of. So....i'll pm you mate - got tooooo much to say.

Be strong.

[Falcon]

Thanks to all posters here.
Things I have done since yesterday;
Kept a diary of all discussions, meetings and agreements between me and the ex.
New, separate bank account.
Been to family court and applied for counselling - to reach an amicable agreement. I have to look out for mine and my kids rights.
Been given through the family court a whole lot of pamphlets and a couple of dvd's - 'Parenting through separation' and one for the kids about separation.
Got the services of who is apparently an awesome lawyer.
Had a couple of friends who know whats going on get in touch and just be there for me.
Been home to change the frontoor lock and secure the property so no-one at all can get in with out my knowledge or permission. This is important in context of other people who are getting themselves involved (her family)

The advice here has been absolutely invaluable - Thanks a heap. Yep it sucks at times but it will work out eventually.

[sweetp]

Sounds like you are doing really well at sorting this out. I just want to add that you really don't want to keep anything "joint" eg a loan or bills. Try and buy it out rather than leave it together. No matter how well the split is life happens and sometimes your ex wont be able to pay and you end up holding the can.

[oldguy]

well mate I cant add anything more to whats already been said, from some of the posts Ive read in this thread other Kbers have been through it as well,
funny thing is in my case, my ex is now my best friend, even thou she has a new partner who I get on with real well.
The most important is the children, they are still going to need you both.

as pinkhoggirl said,

be strong.

all the best John.