Separation orders

**Falcon** · 24th January 2008, 16:37

I am in the process of separating from my wife. She's not a bitch and I haven't been rooting around on her, just that shit happens. I have a couple of questions that I can't ask anyone about cause no-one talks about this shit.
How do I do this? What are the things I have to do to protect my stuff and my kids? We have a couple of bills that are joint and these need to be sorted out but does anyone have a checklist of shit that I need to work through to make sure I don't get f*cked over? Do I need a lawyer? There's no house to sell but there's furniture and shit.

**R6_kid:Me** · 24th January 2008, 16:40

Get in there first and make sure you get the upper hand!

**xwhatsit** · 24th January 2008, 16:51

From watching my parents go through with it, who were in a similar situation (not super-pissed with each other, but `shit happens' kind of situation), separation didn't seem to be that much of a big deal. They had a nice big house, for that they called the lawyer in so he could take care of all the paperwork for that, but for everything else they sat down and said `you'll need that, that was yours 20 years ago, do you want that or can I?' blah blah blah. No real disputes. So that was the property taken care of. No legal nonsense really.

I don't know how old your kids are, but my sister and I were in our mid-to-late teens, so they simply sat us down and asked us who wants to stay with who -- both of us picked our mother, poor dad

-- and that was solved. They worked out some agreement by themselves to sort out the equivalent of alimony or whatever the word was. It was decided dad would pay my sister's rather expensive school fees and that was that, as I was in my last year of school so I was going to be more independent of parents anyway.

It all worked well because they weren't all bitter and twisted and bent out of shape. By not calling lawyers in, it prevented the situation from escalating. I'm about a decade away from even considering marriage so don't ask me

, but I would guess that this is a better way of going about it if the situation is just `shit happens' as you say.

Good luck. Doesn't have to be as horrible a situation as it can be.

**dino3310** · 24th January 2008, 16:51

sorry to hear about the seperation mate.talk to a lawyer even if its just for advice,freindy break ups can turn nasty even when you try not to let that happen,happend to me, i got screwed over taking advantage of,that was five years ago, learnt my lesson got a lawyer just got my kids back.
best advice from me would be to see a lawyer as said above,even both of you going in and getting advice espeically when theres
kids involved.
just make sure the kids get though it without to much hassle, there the ones that hurt the most.
hope you get it sorted Ambrose

**fireliv** · 24th January 2008, 16:56

Hey thats not good to hear.

My suggestions to you would be to first of go to your local court and talk to someone who deals with family court matters there. They will be able to talk to you about official processes and hopefully put you in touch with a lawyer. You may also be elegible for legal aid to pay for a lawyer for you if necessary.

Good luck

**Hitcher** · 24th January 2008, 16:57

Get. A. Lawyer. Quickly.

**Badjelly** · 24th January 2008, 17:02

You'll need a lawyer eventually, so go down to the community law centre and have a chat. They can help you focus.

Talk with your soon-to-be-ex wife about how you're going to look after the kids, but be prepared to adapt as circumstances change.

In my experience the big thing to sort out in the early stages is where you're going to live for the next few months and is it big enough for the kids to stay with you. Ditto for your wife. The transition from 2 people living in a family house looking after the kids to 2 people living in two separate houses (hovels?) looking after the kids is difficult financially and practically. Especially if neither of you has a back-up partner!

**cowboyz** · 24th January 2008, 17:05

do not get a lawyer! You will be left with less than if you just give her everything. There is only one person who wins any time a lawyer is present and that is the lawyer.
Sit down and talk like adults about it. If you want the kids then work out how you are going to support them and where they will go to school and what they will be doing while you are working and all the things like that and put up a discussion about this is what I want and this is how I plan on doing it.

If it is decided that she is having the kids (basically, if she decides she wants the kids) DO NOT FIGHT IT!!!. DO NOT go anywhere near the family courts. They are a very dangerous place to be if you are male, and especially if you have some savings.
Do not give her money or make any arrangement of any kind. IRD will take care of that and bill you what THEY think you should cough up for the kids. Anything you arrange seperately will be seperate and you will have to pay as well.
Dont get caught up in what you think you need. No idea how old you are but material things can be rebuilt pretty quickly.

KEEP THE BIKE.

**cowboyz** · 24th January 2008, 17:07

Originally Posted by Badjelly

You'll need a lawyer eventually,

What for? .

**Badjelly** · 24th January 2008, 17:07

Just responding to what others have said while I was writing my post...

You will need a lawyer, but any good lawyer will advise you to try to get on with your ex. Lawyers charge by 6-minute chunks and they cost a lot. Court battles are hard on everyone. It doesn't have to turn nasty and you should try your best to make sure it doesn't.

Trust but verify.

**BIHB@0610** · 24th January 2008, 17:07

Agree - go see the family court, get the forms etc. And go see a lawyer for advice, but don't be sucked in by them, and remember they will charge you around $150 just for the first meeting - get them to tell you the minimum that needs to go into a separation agreement and then you might be able to draft one up yourself and get it witnessed so it's all kosher. I did my own parenting order application (used to be called custody order), can send you the forms if you PM me. I also did the divorce papers on my own but they're a piece of wees. Never paid a lawyer for anything but one of my best friends is a family court lawyerm that helped :-) .

Remember that if you want a certain arrangement re the kids, make sure you start that way - don't think "I'll sort access out later, week on week off, when I've got my head around it all" - or every second weekend, or whatever you want. If it all turns to custard the courts won't be keen to change the status quo.

Union of Fathers is a great organisation - some people love them, some hate them, but I say give them a go and make up your own mind. At least there are people there in the same situation as you, and they can give you some decent advice about all the sepration stuff, not just the kids.

Good luck and Big Hugs.

**sidecar bob** · 24th January 2008, 17:12

I would suggest a 6 pack of Heineken & a packet of ciggies, some paper & a pen.
I had three properties, a business, numerous vehicles & motorbikes, two children etc etc etc, & thats how we sorted ours out.
Speak with your ex, thats the only way you are going to sort it out, Only involve a third party as an absolute last resort.
Right now is the time for good communication between you two.
We went to a lawyer only to set in concrete what we had agreed between ourselves beforehand, inexpensive easy & stress free.
P.S not the best approach R6kid, piss the woman off & you will pay.

**Badjelly** · 24th January 2008, 17:16

Originally Posted by cowboyz

What for? .

Oh, eventually you'll need a custody agreement and a property agreement. You want someone on your side who can look at these things and tell you about any pitfalls.

My ex-wife and I had a very non-disputatious separation (I won't say amicable or friendly, because I'm still very bitter about things, but I couldn't see the point in turning my bitterness into disputes about money or (especially) kids). We both consulted lawyers. I think we each ended spending ~ $200 on lawyer's fees.

Getting a lawyer does not == engaging in long, expensive court dispute.

**kevfromcoro** · 24th January 2008, 17:16

Originally Posted by Hitcher

Get. A. Lawyer. Quickly.

Agree ..go and talk to a lawyer.
Know where u stand.
When the shit hits the fan ..which doesnt look to far away
protect yourself
if you can settle anything by talking rationally ...do it
will save you a lot finacially and mentally
seems to be when this sort of thing happens..
the law protects the kids 1st and the women 2nd.
men are way down the pecking order.
dont worry...dont know who u are are
just dont like seeing bloke screwed