Share your txt jokes

[MSTRS:Me]

Girl: "So what do you do for a living then?" Bloke: "I'm a ventriloquist". Girl: "Really? You will have to show me some time". Bloke: "I can show you now if you like, let me put my hand up your skirt and I'll make your lips move".


My boss just asked "Do you think you can come in on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends but I need you here". "Yeah no problem, I'll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends". "Okay, when do you think you'll get here then?" "Monday".

[KapitiLizard]

They say you can't beat a pretty blonde with big tits !

Nonsense. I have a restraining order against me for doing that ...

[GSF]

I heard this one at work a few months ago, this isn't exactly verbatim but I'll do my best.

This is a story about four people called Every Cunt, Some Other Cunt, Any Cunt and No Cunt.

One day, there was a job that needed doing, and Some Other Cunt was asked to do it. Every Cunt was sure Some Other Cunt would do it, but No Cunt did it. Every Cunt got angry because it was Some Other Cunt's job. No Cunt didn't realise that Any Cunt could have done it. It ended up with Every Cunt blaming Some Other Cunt and No Cunt doing what Any Cunt could've done.

[MSTRS:Me]

Just been on bigbustycoons.com. Damn, those guys have really good buses.

I was wondering the other day what our parents must have done for entertainment before television and the internet were popular and affordable. I asked my 38 brothers and sisters if they had any ideas, but none of them could suggest an answer either.

[MSTRS:Me]

Half of our population have a sex addiction. The other half have vagina's.

[MSTRS:Me]

I just melted an ice cube by staring at it. Took a bit longer than I thought it would, though.

[_Shrek_]

slofox is a winner

[FJRider]

Wife texts husband: Help. Windows frozen.
Husband texts wife: Pour warm water over it.
Wife texts Husband: Computer completely fucked now.

[nathanwhite]

Dontcha love nipples? Without them, boobs would be pointless.

[Spicer]

I was at the pool today and decided to have a sneaky piss in the deep end.
The life guard must have noticed,and he blew his whistle so fucking loud,I nearly fell in.


I was in the pet shop last week when i noticed a black guy with the most amazingly coloured parrot perched on his shoulder.
"Where did you get that from?" I asked,"the jungle,theres loads of them!"said the parrot.


Life is like a penis,simple,relaxed and hanging free.....It's women who make it hard.


The wife asked me what i was doing on the computer last night.
I told her i was looking for cheap flights.
"Iove you!" she said,then she got all excited,un-zipped my trousers and gave me the most amazing blow job ever....which is odd because she's never shown an interest in darts before.

[crazyhorse]

A man comes home with his little daughter, whom he has just taken to work. The little girl asks "I saw you in your office with your secretary. Why do you call her a doll?"

Feeling his wifes gaze upon him, the man explains, "well, hooney, my secretary is a very hard-working girl. She types like you wouldn't believe, she knows the computer system and is very efficient.

"Oh" says the little girl "I thought it was because she closed her eyes when you lay her down on the couch"

[george formby]

I saw my Doctor today & showed him my knob with a nasty rash on it. He did'nt even touch it, just told me to make an appointment & walked off pushing his trolley.

[nathanwhite]

I decided to leave work an hour early today. You should have seen the look on the co-pilots face when I grabbed the parachute.

[crazyhorse]

A Northern Arizona man was found dead in his home over the weekend.


Detectives at the scene found the man face down in his bathtub.


The tub had been filled with milk, sugar and cornflakes.


A banana was sticking out of his backside.


Police suspect a cereal killer.

[nathanwhite]

R2D2 is the most offensive character in Star Wars - Everything he says is bleeped out