Share your txt jokes

**twotyred** · 7th March 2009, 04:34

This Friday is the annual cocksucking competition,we ask that you not enter this year,so that someone else has a chance at winning...

**1 Free Man** · 7th March 2009, 07:04

Driving on ice is like having sex doggie style. One slip and you can really fuck up someones rear end.

man comes home and finds wife in bed with his mate. He stabs him to death! Wife says "that was stupid, carry on like that and you will have no mates left."

Woman tramper slides down gully & gets splinter in pussy.
Dr examines and departs. Returns with DOC permit to remove native timber from a recreational area.

Grandma do you still have sex? -only oral sex dear.
Whats oral sex?- I tell grandad to get fucked & he says fuck you too!!

The vagina is the best rehabilitation centre in the world, even the biggest, hardest, most violent pricks in the world, come out softened, humbled and reduced in size.

When U cry, no 1 sees your tears, when U R worried no 1 sees your pain, when U r happy no 1 sees your smile.
Try FARTING -- THEY ALL LOOK.

Woman gets 3 bunches of flowers after a fanny tuck.
1 from her husband, 1 from the surgeon and 1 from Eric in the burns unit to say thanks for the new ears!

how many woman does it take to change a lightbulb. Who fuck'n care they can do the dishes in the dark.

Driving instructor says to an aussie farmer "can you make a U turn?" Farmer replies "Listen mate....I can make it's fuck'n eyes water if I go in dry!"

85% of all maori males say they enjoy sex in the shower.
The other 15% havent been to prison yet.

One day in a land far far away ther lived a woman who did not nag, whine or bitch. But it was just one day and a fucking long time ago.

Christmas time valium and wine, children indulging in crime, with dad on the weed & mum high on crack Christmas is magic when your family is black.

**2much** · 7th March 2009, 07:10

Huge natural disaster in Samoa,

US is sending money,
Aussie is sending aid,
NZ is sending replacement samoans

**2much** · 7th March 2009, 07:12

Ur awoken by a noise, u get up to check it out and as u walk into the lounge u see ur tv floating in the air. What do u say?

Fucken drop it nigger!

**fatzx10r** · 12th March 2009, 04:54

PICK UP LINE. "excuse me, does this smell like chloroform?"

Spicer · 15th March 2009, 12:36

X-wife asked wot reincarnationi s.I explained wen u die u cum back as sumthing else.She said she wanted 2 cum back as a pig i said ur not fuckin listening.

What are the 6 standard penis sizes?
1.small
2 medium
3 large
4 oh my god
5 holy fuck
6 Excuse me is that available in white?

**hogfire** · 15th March 2009, 16:23

Warning These will offend!

What's funnier than a dead baby?
A dead baby in a clown costume!

What's funnier than a dead baby?
A dead baby sitting next to a kid with down syndrome.

How do you know when a baby is a dead baby?
The dog plays with it more.

What's more fun than feeling up a dead baby?
Feeling up a dead baby with three nipples

How do you make a dead baby float?
Take your foot off of it's head.

What's the difference between a dead baby and a trampoline?
When you jump on a trampoline, you take your boots off.

**Cosmo** · 15th March 2009, 16:57

Teacher asks science class what is reletive humidity.

Johnny the hillbilly answears - it's the sweat u get on yr balls when fucking yr sister.

**naphazoline** · 15th March 2009, 17:04

Did you know that 20% of males suffer from sexual disorders.
Indecent exposure,
panty sniffing,
chronic masturbation.
HI. I'm (insert your textee's name here). Know me before you judge me.

**naphazoline** · 15th March 2009, 17:19

A doctor,a lawyer,and a priest are on a plane,when the pilot suddenly turns to them and says,"quick.We're going down,and there's only three parachutes."

The doctor says,"What about the women and children?"
The lawyer says,"Fuck the women and children."
The priest says,"Ooohh....Have we got time?"

An englishman,an irishman,and a maori are talking about having sex with their partners.

The englishman says,"when i've finished having sex with my lady,she raises up 1 foot,and levitates above the bed."
The irishman says,"when i've finished having sex with my woman,she raises up and levitates 2 feet above the bed."
After a moment of silence,the 2 men ask the maori,"what about you?"
The maori says,"When i finished fucking my bitch,i wipe my cock on the curtain,and she hits the roof."

**Squid** · 16th March 2009, 20:07

Three guys, one Irish, one English, and one Scottish, are out walking along the beach together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. "I will give you each one wish, that's three wishes in total", says the Genie.

The Scottish guy says, "I am a fisherman, my Dad's a fisherman, his Dad was a fisherman and my son will be one too. I want all the oceans full of fish for all eternity." So, with a blink of the Genie's eye FOOM! the oceans were teaming with fish.

The Englishman was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around England, protecting her, so that no one will get in for all eternity." Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye POOF! there was a huge wall around England.

The Irishman asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall." The Genie explains, "well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick, protecting England so that nothing can get in or out."

The Irishman says, "Aye thats great lad, now fill 'er up with water."

**naphazoline** · 20th March 2009, 14:23

Due to the ever decreasing numbers of members in The highway 61's,The filthy few,The black power,and The mongrel mob,they are going to join forces.

They are now called,The 61 filthy black mongrels.

**Stirts** · 26th March 2009, 10:46

What do you call a smiling Roman with pubic hair between his teeth?
Gladiator!

Do you know what the square root of 69 is?
Ate something.

But do you know what 6.9 is?
A good thing fucked up by a period.

There once was a vampire call Mabel
Whos mentral cycle was stable
One weekend in four
She'd sit on the floor
And drink herself under the table!

Q: How do you know when you are getting old?
A: When you start having dry dreams and wet farts.

Q: When is a pixie not a pixie?
A: When he's got his head up a fairy's skirt, then he's a goblin'.