Share your txt jokes

**naphazoline** · 24th September 2009, 08:12

Need cheering up?

Watch your wedding video backwards.
You'll love the bit where she takes off the ring,walks down the aisle,jumps in the car,and FUCKS OFF!!!!

**MSTRS:Me** · 2nd October 2009, 08:35

Had sex with a deaf and dumb girl last night and felt so ashamed this morning I broke all her fingers so she couldn't tell anyone.

I saw a Paki drowning the other day and instantly contacted the emergency services. I hope they find him or it would have been a waste of a stamp!

What's the difference between an onion and a dead hooker? I cried when I cut up the onion.

Spicer · 2nd October 2009, 09:13

A very wise man once said to me 'You should treat your woman like your vaccum cleaner,when she stops sucking replace the bag'

Spicer · 2nd October 2009, 09:26

Samoan goes 2 da docterz wit 2 burnt earz...DR tel me xactly wot happened? Samoan: wel i was iron my cloves wen i ket a fone gall..& nsted of pik up d fone i was pik up d iron n purn my ear.DR: ok but wot about da otha ear? Samoan: Oh da plardi fool ring me pak.

Spicer · 2nd October 2009, 09:31

Man said to his wife "i had to show my grey hair on my chest to get my pension." Wife said 'You should have shown your DICK we could have got a disability allowance!

**avgas** · 2nd October 2009, 09:33

http://www.textsfromlastnight.com/

Spicer · 2nd October 2009, 09:42

Maori caught DIC,Cops say Blow in bag can't Asthma.Blood sample,can't Haemophilac.Urine sample,can't new law,Not allowed 2 take PISS out of maoris.

**crazyhorse** · 2nd October 2009, 10:20

Sex has gone downhill lately, so the wife bought a dildo shaped just like a carrot. Which is ironic, cause her fanny looks like a fucking donkey yawning.

**YellowDog** · 2nd October 2009, 15:08

I had a curious text yesterday. It merely said:

N B A G

Personally I think this is bang out of order.

**Squid** · 3rd October 2009, 00:01

What's the difference between a banjo and a......

(a.) Onion - No one cries when you cut up a banjo.
(b.) Uzi - An Uzi only repeats forty times.
(c.) Chainsaw - A chain saw has a dynamic range and you can turn a chainsaw off.
(d.)Harley Davidson - Apperently you can tune a Harley.
(e.) Trampoline - You take your shoes off to jump on a trampoline.

**jimichelle** · 3rd October 2009, 16:05

she the one in the fish nets

**crazyhorse** · 5th October 2009, 11:30

Broke my record last night for continual sex.

New time of 1 hour, 1 minute and 3 seconds!

Then I realised the fuckin clocks had gone forward an hour

Spicer · 27th October 2009, 13:07

Two old guys were chatting.... .
One said to the other:
"My 85th birthday was yesterday.
The wife gave me an SUV".
Other guy responded:
"Wow, that's amazing!!... ..
Imagine, an SUV!!..
What a great gift!"
First guy:
"Yup !!.... Socks, Underwear and Viagra!"

Spicer · 27th October 2009, 13:09

Paddy & Mick go to London to donate sperm. It was a disaster! Paddy missed the tube & Mick came on the bus!!

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A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane. Paddy ordered a whiskey. The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink.

He replied in disgust 'I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips!'

Paddy handed his drink back & said 'Me too, I didnt know we had a choice!'

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Paddy calls Easyjet to book a flight. The operator asks 'How many people are flying with you?'

Paddy replies 'I dont know! It’s your f***ing plane!!'

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Paddy & Murphy are working on a building site. Paddy says to Murphy 'I’m gonna have the day off, I’m gonna pretend I’m mad!'

He climbs up the rafters, hangs upside down & shouts 'I'M A LIGHTBULB! I'M A LIGHTBULB!' Murphy watches in amazement!

The Foreman shouts 'Paddy you're mad, go home' So he leaves the site.

Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well.

'Where the hell are you going?' asks the Foreman.

'I can’t work in the friggin’ dark!' says Murphy.

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Two Irish couples decided to swap partners for the night. After 3 hours of amazing sex Paddy says 'I wonder how the girls are getting on'

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Paddy takes his new wife to bed on their wedding night. She undresses & lies on the bed spreadeagled & says 'You know what I want dont you?'

'Yeah,' says Paddy. 'The whole friggin’ bed by the looks of it!'

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Q. Whats a Catholic priest & a pint of Guiness got in common?

A. black coat, white collar & you've got to watch your arse if you get a dodgy one!

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Paddy the electrician got sacked from the U.S. prison service for not servicing the electric chair. He said in his professional opinion it was a death trap!

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Paddy's chat up lines:

1. Did ya fart? 'Cos ya just blew me away!
2. Are your parents retarded? 'Cos your special!
3. My love for you is like diarrhoea. I just can’t hold it in!
4. Is there a mirror in your knickers? 'Cos I can see myself in them!
5. Your body reminds me of a spanner. Evertime I think of you my nuts tighten up!
6. You might not be the best looking girl in here, but beauty is only a light switch away!

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Paddy, the Irish boyfriend of the woman whos head was found on Arbroath beach was asked to identify her. A detective held up the head to which point Paddy said 'I dont think that’s her, she wasnt that tall!'

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Paddy & his wife are lying in bed and the neighbours’ dog is barking like mad in the garden. Paddy says 'To hell with this!' and storms off.

He comes back upstairs 5 mins later & his wife asks 'What did you do?'

Paddy replies 'I’ve put the dog in our garden, let’s see how they like it!'

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An Irishman is humping a Jewish girl & says 'You're not very tight for a Jew!'

She says 'Well you're not very thick for a Paddy!'

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Paddy is said to be shocked at finding out all his cows have Bluetongue. 'Be Jeysus!' he said, 'I didnt even know they had mobile phones!'

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Mick & Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery. Mick says 'Crikey! There’s a bloke here who was 152!'

Paddy says 'Whats his name?'

Mick replies 'Miles from London!'

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An Irishman is rowing his boat in a field of hay. Paddy drives past and stops. He looks at the Irishman in the boat & shouts 'Its thick bas****s like you that give us Irish a bad name! I'd come over there and kick the s**t out of you if I could swim!'