Share your txt jokes

[crazyhorse]

Apparently Gary Coleman had been at deaths door for weeks before he died. Poor little fucker just couldn't readh the handle

[Spicer]

I went to a party last nite the DJ played the song sit down so we all sat down he played jump around so we jumped around he then played come on eileen-i got asked to leave.


Hillbilly jim is teaching his son to masturbate.The son says dad this is fantastic! Dad says i know,and when you're older you can use your own cock!


What's the difference between crutchless panties and a speed camera?
With crutchless panties you can see the cunt behind the bush.


THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT YO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1.Innovative
2.Preliminary
3.Proliferation
2.Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1.Specificity
2.Anticonstitutionalistically
3.passive-aggressive disorder
4.Transsubstantiate

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1.No thanks.i'm married
2.Npoe,no more booze for me
3.Sorry but you're not really my type
4.No,i don't want to see your fanny.
5.No my cocks fine as it is I don't want you to suck it
6.No please don't sit on my face ive got asthma.


Roses are red,Nuts are brown,Skirts go UP,Pants go DOWN,Body to Body,Skin to Skin.when its STIFF,Stick it in,it goes in DRY,comes out WET,the Longer its in the STRONGER IT GETS,IT COMES out dripping and it starts to sag,its NOT what you think,its a Bushells Tea Bag.[smile]

[crazyhorse]

Just been banned from a muslim clothes shop. I only asked for a bomber jacket. Touchy bastards!

[one fast tl1ooo]

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Asia!
Asia who?
Asia you going to let me in then!

[Stirts]

If God wanted us to have abortions he would make them all Chinese girls.

[Swoop]

My deaf son is always swearing.

I'm getting fed up with washing his hands with soap.

[one fast tl1ooo]

Borrow money from a pessimist, they don't expect it back.

[one fast tl1ooo]

Paddy tells Mick
He's thinking of buying a labrador.

Fook off say's Mick,
have you seen how many of their owners go blind.

[Spicer]

Man at mental asylum rapes cleaner and escapes.Headlines in paper reads,'nut screws washer and bolts'

Theys aY pE oPLEtHa TtA k EiT uPt H e A r S e H a V e T r O u B L E r E a D i N g.

Mr CADBURY & mS PINKY met for a PICNIC.Wanting a piece of HEAVEN,he slipped his hand into her SNICKERS and found her CHERRY RIPE,so he showed her his PEANUT SLAB,not keen to have any JELLYBABIES,she let him have her up the HERSHEY highway.She screamed with TURKISH DELIGHT.As he took out his fun sized MARS BAR,it felt a bit CRUNCIHIE,so she wanted some TIMEOUT but he did a TWIRL and in a STRAWBURST came in a very MILKY WAY.

HEIGHT OF POVERTY: Wife stiching husband's condom.
HEIGHT OF INNOCENCE: A girl applying clearsil to her nipples thinking they are pimples.
HEIGHT OF AMBITION; An ant climbing on the leg of an elephant with a motive of rape.
HEIGHT OF UNEMPLOYMENT; A spider web found in a prostitutes pussy.
HEIGHT OF LAZINESS: Naked man sleeping on top of a naked woman expecting an earthquake to do the rest

[crazyhorse]

How to satisfy a woman with 3 1/2 inches?

[one fast tl1ooo]

How to satisfy a man in bed

[Spicer]

'If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking, how come they can't have a
headache and sex at the same time?'


Honestly some folk will take offence at anything, I met a bloke with no legs
this morning while at the bus stop, all I asked was "How are you getting
on?"

Paddy was in the delivery room when the midwife handed him a black baby.
"Is this yours?" she asked "probably" said Paddy "she burns everything
else"

A gypsy girl sent an email to an agony Aunt "I am 12 years old and haven't
had sex yet, do you think my brother is queer ?"

My missus has just gone into hospital with 2 black eyes and a broken jaw!
It seems we were on different wavelengths when she said she wanted decking
on the patio

Sex therapist claims that the most effective way to arouse your man is to
spend 10 minutes licking his ears!! Personally I think its bollocks!!

They reckon that Beer contains female hormones and I think they are right.
After 8 pints I talk shit and can't drive!



A mate of mine has just told me he's shagging his girlfriend and her twin,
I said how can you tell them apart, he said "her brothers got a moustache!"

A biker goes to the Doctor with hearing problems "Can you describe the
symptoms to me". "Yes........Homer is a fat yellow lazy bastard and Marg is a
skinny bird with big blue hair!!"

My black-eye & fat lip suggests that 'up the backside'....was definitely
the wrong answer, when my girlfriend asked me 'where are you taking me for
my birthday?'

And then there was my mate who'd just been fitted with a brand new hearing
aid. "It's the best in the world", he said. "What type is it?", I asked and
he said "ten past twelve".

[Spicer]

For some time,many of us have wondered who is 'Jack Shit"? We find ourselves at a loss when some one says "You don't know Jack Shit" Well thanks to my efforts you can now respond in an intellectual way:Jack Shit is the only son of Awe shit who married O shit.the owners of Knee Deep in shit.In turn Jack shit married No shit,The couple had 6 childern:Holy shit,Give a shit,Full of shit,Bull shit,and the twins Deep shit and Dip shit.Deep shit married Dumb shit,a high school drop out.After 15 years,Jack and No shit got divorced and she married Ted Sherlock and became No shit Sherlock.Meanwhile Dip shit married Shit-happens.Bull shit travellrd the world and returned home with an italian bride Pisa shit.So tell me now you don't know Jack Shit!

[one fast tl1ooo]

Wittle Wabbit
A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp: "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep wittle wabbits?"

And the shopkeeper gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks: "Do you want a wittle white wabby or a soft and fuwwy bwack wabby or maybe one like that cute wittle bwown wabby over there?"

The little girl puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice: "I don't fink my pyfon really giveths a thit."

[crazyhorse]

Doctor, "What seems to be the problem?"

Patient, "Doc, I've got the farts. I mean I fart all the time,"

The Doctor nods, "Hmm."

Patient, "My farts do not stink and you can't hear them. It's just that I fart all the time. Look, we've been talking here for about 10 minutes and I've farted five times. You didn't hear them and you don't smell them, do you?"
"Hmm," says the Doctor,

He picks up his pad and writes out a prescription.

The patient is thrilled "Great doc. This prescription, will it really clear up my farts?"

"No," sighs the Doctor, "The prescription is to clear your sinuses. Next week I want you back here for a hearing test."