Share your txt jokes

[1 Free Man]

Just got arested at Bunnings for punching a maori chick in the face.
Not entirely my fault though.
Dad told me to grab a Black and Decker!

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2 whales over turn a ship using their blowholes
"Shall we eat the crew"? asked Mr. Whale
"Absolutely not" said Mrs. Whale
"I do blow jobs but I don't swallow seamen!"

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Teacher asked Rangi to use the word CONTAGIOUS in a sentance.
Rangi says
"my neibour uesd a 1" brush to paint his house and Dad said
it would take the CUNT AGES."

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An Irishman was found hanging from a tree wearing a white hood.
It appears he met a genie and his first wish was to be hung like a black man.

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The life of a vagina.
My hairs a mess.
My mates are lippy.
My neighbours and asshole
and my owner keeps on giving me the finger.

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All men marry nymphomaniacs
Problem is after a while the nympho leaves
but the maniac doesn't.

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I was walking along the river last night and saw
two maori's drowning in the water so I saved them!
........on my phone as a screen saver.
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[crazyhorse]

How do you embarrass a archaeologist?

Give him a used tampon and ask him what period it came from

[Spicer]

A smile is a sign of joy,a hug is a sign of love,a laugh is a sign of happiness and friend like me.......well thats a sign of fucking good taste!

Ya know,back in my day we didn't have pedophiles,we had to buy our own lollies.


Science has proven: Drinking beer duznt make you fat,it makes you lean....against bars,tables,chairs and poles.


Went to the doc's to get my testicles checked out.While he was cupping my scrotum,he said 'Don't worry'its quite normal to get an erection during this kind of examination" I said "I havn't got an erection" He replied "No but i have"

[DMNTD:Me]

New chatup line it will get you a root every time it goes "excuse me love does this cloth smell like chloroform to you."

[DMNTD:Me]

Took a girl home from the pub last night but I ended up passing out on the sofa!
Must have picked up her drink by mistake.....

[DMNTD:Me]

Jamaican guy called Winston finds an old lamp. After giving it a polish a genie appears...he gives Winston 1 wish. "I'd like to be slim, white and surrounded by pussy"...There was a puff of smoke and Winston turned into a tampon...Remember if u get offered something 4 nothing there's usually a string attached

[crazyhorse]

An 80 year old comes home to find his wife naked and doing a handstand. What the hell are ya doing he asks. She replies, well ya can't get it up, so how bout dropping it in!

[Patrick]

A lady has been admitted into hospital with a vacuum cleaner nozzle stuck up her fanny. Although she's in intensive care, doctors say she is pickin up nicely.

Farm worker hits a pig with his Ute. Rings boss to say it's alive and stuck in the bull bars. Boss says to shoot the pig. Worker asks "what do I do with his speed radar?"

I'm not normally suspicious, but the wife told me Gavin from Autoglass came around and injected that special resin into her crack. She hasn't even got a car!

My missus said I couldn't multi task so I proved her wrong. Pissing while getting a blow job probably wasn't the best way to do it...

Last night I went down on my girlfriends mum and got my tongue stud snagged on her clit piercing. I panicked... I was in a right old flap...

A girl in the pub points at a guys beer gut and says, "what's that, Speights or DB?" He says no idea, but there is a tap underneath if ya want a taste...

The girlfriend has just had her teeth whitened. Although to be honest, most of it landed on her chin.

A dyslexic bank robber runs into the bank and yells, "Air in the hands, motherstickers, this is a fuck up!"

Went around to a mates today and he showed me a VHS of him and his mates beating up a (insert flavour) fella. I was horrified.... I mean, who the fuck still uses VHS?

Wish you were with me in my bedroom rightnow, on the bed, under the sheets, 2gether with the lights off... so I can show you by new watch that glows in the dark....

Boy in bath with mum asks, "what's that hairy thing?" Thats my sponge she sed. Oh yes said the boy, the babysitters got 1. I've seen her washing dads face with it.

Irish newlyweds turn up at hotel and ask for honeymoon suite. Receptionist asks "Do you have reservations?" Bride says, "I'm a bit worried about taking it up the arse."

My girlfriends a dirty bitch. When I cum in her mouth, she gargles it, blows bubbles then lets it dribble over her chin and tits. She may be paralysed, but I know she enjoys it.....

Its a shame my wife wasn't trapped down that mine with those Chilean miners. They'd have dug themselves out by now....

[crazyhorse]

"give it here!"
"no, its mine!"
Let me have it, its my turn
"u had it last"
"fuck off!"
Come on gimme it!

"no way!"............... siamese twins having a wank

[Patrick]

A dildo falls off a rubbish truck and hits the car window. Embarrassed mum says "my, thats a big insect." 2 which son says, "I'm surprised it can fly with a cock that big."

[<G>]

Got my son an i-pod 2day, got my daughter an i-phone, splashed out & got myself an i-pad. I couldn't have the missus miss out so got her a.....

i-ron.

[crazyhorse]

A woman who has no legs just won the strawberry picking championships. Jammy cunt!

[DMNTD:Me]

Charity single just released for the Pakistani flood disaster...........Rain drops keep falling on Ahmed


Rumour has it that the floods in Pakistan were started by a suicide plumber

[Spicer]

'My girlfriend's always complaining: 'You never tell me how much you feel;.But only yesterday,i woke her up by slapping her around the face with my cock.How much clearer can i be?

"Of course the main cause of paedophilla is good looking kids"

"Talking to an old person is like having acess to living history-which is a lot like normal history,except it reeks of piss.'

"I had table football in my lounge,but when my girlfriend moved in,she said it was to blokey.So i filled it with water and now we play table synchronised swimming."

" I woke up with an erection this morning.Upon reflection,i wish it had been my own."

"We don't have an en suite bathroom,but we do have plastic sheets,if anything,it's more convenient."

"To cut a long story short,Frodo does it."

"Have you heard about these kids in America?They go into their schools with automatic weapons and they go apeshit.They shoot 20 or 30 of their fellow pupils before turning the guns on themselves.What is their problem?Do they not know where the staffroom is?

A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street.She said,"can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?" I said, 'Alright,but we won't get much done.'''

"My girlfriend and i are trying for a baby.We got pretty close outside woolworths yesterday."

'People ask me what i did at university.I say 'philosophy and english'-which means i thought about reading a book."

"It's not gay if you beat them up afterwards."

"When i was younger.i couldn't talk to women-because i was hiding in their wardrobes masturbating.It would've toally given it away."

"I've written a rom-com.It's about a guy and a girl.Initially they hate wach other but they end up in bed together.It's called The Rapist."

'Last summer,i was in the park and i saw a muslim woman in the full hijab rollerblading.It looked amazing.Because it was such a hot day it looked like someone's shadow had got up and fucked off.''

"The best lubricant for anal sex? Tears."

"My mate got dumped by his girl.So i said "There's plenty more fish in the sea.He said,"Yeah,but it's not just the smell i miss."


Throwing acid is wrong,in some peoples eyes...

[crazyhorse]

been to the optometrist. He told me I'm colour blind. Now I'm fuckin worried some of my mates could be black.

If you are, can you deletee my number and fuck off! thanks