Share your txt jokes

[Patrick]

Notice to all (insert flavour here). If you bleeding 2 death or trapped in a burning house, the new emergency number for you is 56325477896542836674433654485411541154132320159800 15854879664564621137791554984987855467986452210505 49879456854528453594522

[DMNTD:Me]

Met a girl in the park, there was an instant spark between us, she fell at my feet and as I shagged her, i thought "these taser guns are well worth the money".

[one fast tl1ooo]

THINK YOU'VE HAD A CRAP DAY AT WORK??? one of the chilean miners just released. has just found out he never clocked in !!

[1 Free Man]

A recent study shows that people that have sex at least 3 times a week live longer.
U will be pleased to know that we are making your funeral arrangements.
What sort of music would you like to have played.?

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Female aliens have invaded the planet and are kidnapping men with big cocks.
Obviously your not in any danger but I'm just txting you from their
spaceship to say goodbye.

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Marriage is like a deck of cards.
In the beginning all yo need is a couple of hearts and a diamond.
But in the end you wish you had a fucking club and a spade.!!

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[Spicer]

My wife and i have adopted a maori boy and have named him google. I mean it makes sense = he is going to be constantly searched anyway

[Spicer]

I've just come out of the 'chippy' with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sat there and said 'I've not eaten for two days'. I told him 'I wish I had your will power'








A fat bird served me food in McDonald's at lunch time; she said 'sorry about the wait'. I said 'don't worry fatso, you'll lose it eventually'.



Paddy is walking down the road eating a bag of doughnuts, Murphy meets him and says 'if I can guess how many doughnuts you have in the bag, can I have one?'. Paddy said 'if you can guess how many doughnuts are in there you can have both of them'. Murphy says 'Four'.



One of life's great mysteries: how is it that a woman can fit a seven inch vibrator into her half inch fanny IN THE DARK............ But she's unable to fit an eight foot car into a fifteen foot parking space IN BROAD DAYLIGHT?



Snow eh! The weather girl said she was expecting 8 inches tonight. I thought to myself 'she'll be lucky with a face like that!'





Years ago it was suggested 'that an apple a day kept the doctor away'. But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works a treat!

[crazyhorse]

Got caught wanking by my gran the other night. She had a stroke. Amazingly soft hands for a 90 year old

[MSTRS:Me]

And there we were, 2 against 2000... boy did we slaughter those 2.

[crazyhorse]

Woman answers the phone and a pervert breathes"have u got a tight hairy cunt??"

The woman says "yes, he's sitting on the settee next 2 me. Do you want 2 talk to him?"

[crazyhorse]

I went to see a psyhic last week who told me I'd soon be coming in to money.

Last night I shagged a girl named Penny. Spooky aye!

[Patrick]

Uncle Phil is a crap ventrilloquist. He sticks his fingers up my arse and tells me not to say anything....

[Spicer]

Im a little mouse named keith...i circumcise men with my teeth...i don't do it for leisure...or sexual pleasure.But just for the cheese underneath!

[crazyhorse]

Calories are the little shits that get into your wardrobe at night and sew your clothes tighter!



MY WARDROBE IS INFESTED WITH THE LITTLE BLIGHTERS!!!

[Spicer]

Bloke walks into a pub and asks for a pint of anything except Steinlager.

Barman asks, "What's wrong with Steinlager?"

Bloke replies, "I had 12 pints of it last night and when I came to I was f------g skint."

Barman says, "But 12 pints of anything costs about the same."

Bloke replies, "Skint's my dog."



Whatever we paid ngai tahu for the south island should be refunded-its faulty!

McDonalds have come out with a new burger,its called McCnristchurch,it comes with a free shake!

1 day little johnny heard a noise and peaks into his parents room to check out the noise he finds his mum bent over the dresser and dad going at it from behind her.His dad sees johnny and winks at him.After dad finishes he goes to check on johnny.He finds grandma bent over the dresser and johnny going at it from behind.Dad screams "what the fuck are you doing"? Johnny replys and winks,:Not so fucking funny when its your mum is it"?



Little johnny was walking to school,car pulls up and man says 'hay little boy if you come in my car ill give you a lollie' little johnny says 'if i come in your mouth will you give me the bag'?

[crazyhorse]

I went to an attractive female doctor for a check up. She told me I had to quit masterbating.

I asked why? She said, because I'm trying to examine you!