Share your txt jokes

Spicer · 19th January 2011, 08:49

How do you know when a male porn star is at the gas station? Right before the gas stops pumping he pulls out the nozzle and sprays it all over the car.

A construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw.So he spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him,but he can't hear him.So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language.He pointed to his eye meaning 'I' pointed to his knee meaning "need",then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion.The man on the ground floor nods his head,pulls down his pants,whips out his cock and starts masturbating.The worker on the 5th floor gets so pissed off he runs down to the ground floor and says, "What the fuck is your problem!!! I said I needed a handsaw!." The other guy says. "I knew that! I was just trying to tell you - I'm coming!"

**JakeTehMuss** · 19th January 2011, 08:59

Was shagging a bird the other night, she said "don't put it in my arse!"
I had to explain it's traditional for the person with the knife 2 make those decisions.

**crazyhorse** · 19th January 2011, 18:15

Watching my wife give birth reminded me of my favourite pub burning down. You had some good times there, but it will never be the same again

Spicer · 23rd January 2011, 17:52

In a pub quiz the other day I lost by one point. The question was where do women mostly have curly hair? Apparently, it's Africa.

I've heard that Apple have scrapped their plans for the new children's iPod after realizing that iTouch Kids is not a good product name

A biker goes to the doctor with hearing problems. "Can you describe the symptoms to me?" asked the doctor. "Yes. Homer is a fat yellow lazy bastard and Marge is a skinny bird with big blue hair."

A mate of mine has just told me he's shagging his girlfriend and her twin.
I said "How can you tell them apart?" He said "Her brother's got a moustache."

Just put a deposit down on a brand new Porsche & mentioned it on Facebook.
I said, "I can't wait for the new 911 to arrive!" Next thing I know 4000 f....g Muslims have added me as a friend !!

**zealchick** · 23rd January 2011, 19:56

A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me." She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221."

**one fast tl1ooo** · 25th January 2011, 14:57

bloke says to chick in pub " jeez i'd give you one! " she says " I wouldn't have sex with you!. He says " woah steady on ya fat pig. I was giving you a score out of 10

**MSTRS:Me** · 26th January 2011, 10:44

Burt Munro's record finally surpassed!!!
World's fastest Indian now from Huntly to Fiji.

**one fast tl1ooo** · 27th January 2011, 10:25

Indian weddings are done by a celebrant. Divorces by accelerant

**Hiflyer** · 27th January 2011, 18:48

Originally Posted by one fast tl1ooo

Indian weddings are done by a celebrant. Divorces by accelerant

oooohh too soon?

**bogan** · 27th January 2011, 18:54

Originally Posted by Hiflyer

oooohh too soon?

yeh, though I can see the humour, tis not one thats gonna get retexted or facebooked.

**MSTRS:Me** · 28th January 2011, 08:20

Last week me and a Pakistani from work decided to have a moustache and beard growing competition. I still can't believe she won.

**crazyhorse** · 28th January 2011, 09:25

When Fiji Police talked to the Indian about his wifes death, he said she was once a hot chick and he was merely trying to rekindle the spark and ignite the old flame