Share your txt jokes

[1 Free Man]

I am sick of double standards.
My girlfriend buys a "Rampant Rabbit with attachments
and she's and she's seen as a naughty fun girl with a special
new toy.
But when I order a "Deluxe Fistmaster 5000 latex revolving pussy
with realistic elasticated anus, with imitation shit dribble,
semen collection tray, and built in sadistic rape sound system,
Then that supposedly makes me some kind of Pervert.!!!

[crazyhorse]

I hereby request a pay rise because I do physical labour at great depths. I don't get weekends or publich holidays off. I work in a wet environment in a dark place that has poor ventilation. I work in high temperatures and my work exposes me to contagious diseases.

Yours sincerely,
Mr P. Niss.

RESPONSE:

After considering your request and the arguments raised, we reject it for the following reasons:
You need to be stimulated into starting work. You are part time and fall asleep after brief work periods. You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift and you don't observe safety rules such as protective clothing. You can't work double shifts and you often dribble.

Yours sincerely
Ms V. Gina.

(and yes, this was a text LOL)

[firefighter]

I hereby request a pay rise because I do physical labour at great depths. I don't get weekends or publich holidays off. I work in a wet environment in a dark place that has poor ventilation. I work in high temperatures and my work exposes me to contagious diseases.

Yours sincerely,
Mr P. Niss.

RESPONSE:

After considering your request and the arguments raised, we reject it for the following reasons:
You need to be stimulated into starting work. You are part time and fall asleep after brief work periods. You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift and you don't observe safety rules such as protective clothing. You can't work double shifts and you often dribble.

Yours sincerely
Ms V. Gina.[/SIZE]

You've been to my work?!

[bogan]

You've been to my work?!

You both work with the same Ms V Gina?

[crazyhorse]

I was having my cock sucked when my wife asked me to let her know when I was coming. I thought to myself 'do I text her back or should I ring her?'

[MSTRS:Me]

I was having a wank the other day, when this woman peered at me through the window, and mouthed the words 'Get the fuck off my patio'

[crazyhorse]

I was walking down the street just now and I saw a nigger carrying a tv. I thought, that looks like mine..... Then I remembered, mine was at home shining my shoes

[Swoop]

I have duja ve.

It's the feeling you've been dyslexic before.

[crazyhorse]

You can prove a dog is mans best friend, I did.

I locked my dog and the missus in the boot of my car for 2 hours and fuck me!

Guess who was still happy to see me ............

[crazyhorse]

I used to go out with a girl who punched me in the face when she orgasmed. I didn't mind too much, until I found out she was faking them!!!

[MSTRS:Me]

Experts tell us that the best way to make the perfect cup of tea is to agitate the bag. So every morning I tell her "2 sugars, fat arse!"

[crazyhorse]

My wife just found out she's adopted.

She's devastated, & kept asking "why didn't they want me?"

I comforted her and after a while still crying, she asked me 2 make love 2 her, which led to more tears.

On reflection, banging her up the arse and shouting "WHO'S YOUR DADDY?!" was a little insensitive

[crazyhorse]

Someone just knocked on the door selliing raffle tickets for poor black orphans.

I said "Fuck that, with my luck I'd probably win one!"

[saxet]

A sexy blonde asked if I prefer legs or breasts.

I replied that I'm more into shaved pussy.

Seems this is not an acceptable answer at KFC.

[crazyhorse]

i found my dyslexic mate covering his willy with boot polish in the early hours of Sunday morning. I said 'you idiot, you're supposed to turn your clock back!'