Share your txt jokes

[mikeey01]

I couldn't find the fucking thingy that peels the fucking carrots and potatoes,
so asked the kids if they'd seen it.

They told me she left me yesterday!

[crazyhorse]

Got me a nice camera for sale if u interested?

Funny story how I came by it. Got stopped in town today by some Japanese tourists who asked me to take their photo.

I said "Big Wave" and they all ran like fuck!

[mikeey01]

So I hear thailand has its first female prime minister.

Or has it... ?

[ynot slow]

Walked into chemist today,said "just the condoms please",chemist asked if I wanted a bag,and my reply was "she's not that ugly to need one"

[Laava]

Afta hvn grt 69 w his g/f Brian rmembrd he hd appt at dentist.He ws afrd the dntst wd ntce the smll of fanny on his brth so he brshd his teeth, usd dntl flss & a bttl lstrne. As he arrvd at the dntst he 8 a pkt xtra strng mints. His trn cam and the dntst tld him 2 tke a seat. Flng confdnt & rlxd he opnd his mth wde. Dntst gt clse & sd "Did u jst hve 69?" OMG hw did u knw? Does my brth smll lke fanny?
No, u hve a skidmark on yr forehead!

[Vacquer0]

A cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little girl on her new shiny bike stopped beside him.

"Nice bike," the cop said. "Did Santa bring it to you?"
"Yep," the little girl said, "he sure did!"

The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket for a safety violation.
The cop said, "Next year tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it."

The young girl looked up at the cop and said, "Nice horse you've got there sir".
Did Santa bring it to you?" "Yes, he sure did," chuckled the cop.

The little girl looked up at the cop and said,

"Next year tell Santa the dick goes underneath the horse, not on top."

[NOD]

Q. What animal has a cunt half way up it's back
A An Austrialian police horse

[mikeey01]

Midget women goes to the doctors @ says doc I've got a itchy fanny, doc lifts up her skirt, gets sum sissors & goes snip snip, he says is that better?
The midget says a bit better but its still itchy doc, so the doc lifts her skirt up again, snip snip snip, is that better the doc says, yes the midget replies, fantastic, what did u do doctor, the doc replies cut the fur off the top of ur ugg boots.

[Vacquer0]

Lawrence Livermore Laboratories has made a startling discovery in
finding the heaviest element yet known to science.

The new element, Governmentium (Gv) has one neutron, 25 assistant
neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving
it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are
surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.

Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert; however, it can be
detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into
contact. A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would
normally take less than a second, to take from 4 days to 4 years to
complete.

Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2-6 years. It does not decay,
but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the
assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.

In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since
each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming
isodopes.

This characteristic of morons promotion leads some scientists to believe
that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical
concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical
morass deposits. The location of Governmentium deposits is found in
every state capital. with a mother lode in Washington, D.C.

When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an
element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has
half as many peons, but twice as many morons.

[mikeey01]

I was at the airport & a guy came up to me & said “Lost something mate”
I said “Yes my wife!”
He said “Me too!”
I said “What does she look like?”
He said “Redhead, long tanned legs up to her neck, wearing a mini, no knickers, no bra, big tits & a see thru top! What's your look like?"
I said “Who gives a fuck lets look for yours!”

[crazyhorse]

Took my inflatable doll back to the shop today because it seemed to have developed feelings and started crying after we had sex. The lady said it hadn't developed feelings, it just needed emptying

[Smokin]

My wife is pissed off with me again. I crept into the bedroom last night and swapped her tampon for a party popper. No sense of humour.

[Hinny]

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.

Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!

Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.

[KiWiP]

Japanese scientists have created a camera with such fast shutter speed they can now photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

This is what Bill Cinton sees every night just as he drops off to sleep

[Hinny]

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

I poured spot remover on my dog, now he's gone.

Used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.