Share your txt jokes

**munster** · 3rd February 2012, 09:15

Ended up in jail the other day and spent an hour getting bum fucked.

Sometimes I think my Uncle takes Monopoly far to seriously!

Spicer · 5th February 2012, 13:04

For Fucks sake what a mess on this Valintines day.I got the cards mixed up,.now the girlfriend thinks i love her and the wife thinks i want to fuck her...

Before sex you help each other get naked,after sex you only dress yourself.
MORAL OF THE STORY;
In life no one helps you once your'e fucked.

What did one vagina lip say too the other lip?
We use to be so tight but you always let some dick cum between us.

Sometimes as a man you just can't win.
I was holding the door open for a young lady yesterday when she said
"Will you fuck off,i'm trying to have a shit."

Sitting next 2 a really sexy Thai bird on the bus this morning and i thought to myself
"Please don't get an erection,please don't get an erection"...buy she did.

I was enjoying a bit of anal with the wife when she turned 2 me and said
"Hmm mmm mmhmphmm mm hmmph!"
And i thought 2 myself
Don't you just love duct tape"?

People are so easy to read,like if their face is blue theyr/e cold,if it's red theyr'e embarrassed,if it's brown theyr'e about to commit a crime.

Roses are red,daffodils are golden,always have sex in the back of a holden.
If you don't like it,or if you get bored,turn homosexual and root in a ford.

Picked up this bird in the pub last night,told her i was gonna root her in the kitchen,living room,bathroom and in the bedroom.
She was keen for it saying "wow ,you must sure have some stamina" She seemed disappointed when we got back to my caravan.

**munster** · 10th February 2012, 10:04

Premature ejaculator seeks blonde woman with big tits, a shaved pussy and . . uh . . oh, never mind!

**MSTRS:Me** · 10th February 2012, 10:36

I heard a man at the beach yelling "Help, shark! Help!" I just laughed, I knew that shark wasn't going to help him.

**JakeTehMuss** · 10th February 2012, 13:20

Try this puzzle
This maths sequence can predict your favourate film...
Mine was Jaws. Not sure how it works but it does!!

Try it !

Pick a number between 1-9

Multiply by 3

Add 3 to that number

Multiply again by 3

Add the two digits together

3. Oliver twist

4. Starwars

5. Forrest Gump

6. Saving Private Ryan

7. Jaws

8. Grease

9. The joy of anal sex with male goats and leather clad,oiled up,cock craving gay boys.

10. Mary Poppins

**crazyhorse** · 16th February 2012, 17:18

I was showing my doctor a nasty rash on my cock today. He seemed pretty uncomfortable and didn't want to touch it. He just said 'make an appointment for Monday morning' and he carried on pushing his trolley around Countdown!

Spicer · 19th February 2012, 10:49

My Thai girlfriend reckons that a small penis shouldn't affect our sex life.
She may be right,but i'd still prefer it if she didn't have one.

I found my nan dead in bed 2day.I was gutted.I put my arms around her and held her,tears running down my face...As i held her i noticed she was naked in her bed!
I got kind of turned on and ended up fucking her....just as i was about 2 cum in her arse she shouted BOO!!!...what sort of sick twisted cunt pretends 2 be dead? 4 fuck sake.

Vodafone security division has been monitoring your phone and would like to kindly remind you that the vibrating unit is not for anal use. So stop!

Between the ages of 16 and 18 she is like africa virgin and unexplored
between 19 and 35 shes like asia hot an exotic
between 35 and 45 she is like america fully explored breathtakenly beautfull and free with her resourses
between 46 and 56 she is like europe exhausted but still has points of interest after 56 she is like australia everybody knows its down there but who gives a dam

**MSTRS:Me** · 24th February 2012, 07:44

Got kicked out of the local swimming pool yesterday. Apparently, tapping the NO BOMBING sign as a Muslim family walks past is deemed inappropriate these days

**slofox** · 25th February 2012, 11:37

Originally Posted by Spicer

My Thai girlfriend reckons that a small penis shouldn't affect our sex life.
She may be right,but i'd still prefer it if she didn't have one.

I found my nan dead in bed 2day.I was gutted.I put my arms around her and held her,tears running down my face...As i held her i noticed she was naked in her bed!
I got kind of turned on and ended up fucking her....just as i was about 2 cum in her arse she shouted BOO!!!...what sort of sick twisted cunt pretends 2 be dead? 4 fuck sake.

Vodafone security division has been monitoring your phone and would like to kindly remind you that the vibrating unit is not for anal use. So stop!

Between the ages of 16 and 18 she is like africa virgin and unexplored
between 19 and 35 shes like asia hot an exotic
between 35 and 45 she is like america fully explored breathtakenly beautfull and free with her resourses
between 46 and 56 she is like europe exhausted but still has points of interest after 56 she is like australia everybody knows its down there but who gives a dam

That is an epic post!

**munster** · 27th February 2012, 10:14

My girlfriend gave me a new watch the other day, I said "awesome, it reminds me of your vagina"

"Why's that" she giggled "becuase it's exclusive & sexy"

"No" I replied "becuase it's a bit loose on my wrist"

**GSW** · 27th February 2012, 17:16

My wife told me to see things from a woman's point of view... so I looked out the kitchen window.

**Virgil** · 28th February 2012, 10:43

God went to the Arabs and said,
'I have Commandments for you that will make your lives better.'

The Arabs asked, 'What are Commandments?'
And the Lord said, 'They are rules for living.'

'Can you give us an example?'

'Thou shall not kill.'

'Not kill? We're not interested..'

So He went to the Blacks and said, 'I have Commandments.'

The Blacks wanted an example, and the Lord said,
'Honor thy Father and Mother.'

'Father? We don't know who our fathers are.
We're not interested.'

Then He went to the Mexicans and said,
'I have Commandments.'

The Mexicans also wanted an example, and the Lord said 'Thou shall not steal.'

'Not steal? We're not interested.'

Then He went to the French and said,
'I have Commandments.'

The French too wanted an example and the Lord said, 'Thou shall not commit adultery.'

'Sacre bleu!!! Not commit adultery? We're not interested.'

Finally, He went to the Jews and said,
'I have Commandments..'

'Commandments?' They said, 'How much are they?'

'They're free.'

'We'll take 10.'

There. That should piss off just about everybody.

**newhere** · 28th February 2012, 21:54

Larry Is In The Hospital . .. . .......
.
Who in the hell is Larry?

Well Larry is the guy who gets home late one night and Linda, his wife, says "Where the hell have you been?" Larry replies "I was out getting a tattoo!"
... "A tattoo"? She frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?"
"I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates" he said proudly.
"What the hell were you thinking"? She said, shaking her head in disgust.. "Why on earth would a Chartered Accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his privates?"

"Well, one, I like to watch my money grow. Two, once in a while I like to play with my money. Three, I like how money feels in my hand.And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want."

Larry is in the Wellington Hospital Intensive Care Unit, Room 233

**GSW** · 29th February 2012, 20:43

Got kicked out of the local swimming pool yesterday. Apparently, tapping the NO BOMBING sign as a Muslim family walks past is deemed inappropriate these days.