Share your txt jokes

[crazyhorse]

What did God say after creating man? I can do much better

[Spicer]

Man goes to doctors for cock extension.Doc suggets baby elephants trunk stitched on for $3000.
Man agrees.6 weeks later while having dinner with new woman he feels an unusual stirring in his pants & thinks "this is the night!"
while chatting over dinner his cock flys out,steals an apple off the table & goes back."Wow!" she says,"can you do that again?"
he says "My cock can but i don't think my arse can take another apple."

Rocky the rooster was the meanest,biggest rooster in the world and spent his time beating the shit out of all the animals on the farm,.One day he picked on the farmyard cat,unfortunately the cat beat the shit out of him.
THE MORAL OF THE STORY IS:
No matter how big the cock is,the pussy can always take it.


I was invited to a threesome last night,had two no shows but still had a good time!


Teacher tells class,make a sentence ending in the word dough.
Little Jane says,"In Italy they make pizza using special dough' very good says teacher.
Mary says "My baby brother makes dinosaurs with play dought" excellent says teacher.
Little Johnny raises his hand "My mummy says dad is such a lousy root she has to use a dill dough."


Two gays are shagging in an alley when a policeman arrives.One runs off,but the policeman grabs the other.
"You dirty,fucking bastards.If I'd caught your mate,this batten would've gone up his arse!"
A voice shouts "Yoo hoo,I'm in the wheelie bin....!!!

A young korean couple are lying in bed when the guy starts farting continuously.
"Thats disgusting!" shouts the wife."It's the dog."the guy claims.
"Don't blame the fucking dog" she yells,"It was cooked perfectly!!"

Apple announced today the development of a microchip that can be implanted into a woman's breast and play music.
The i-tit will cost $399 and is regared as a majoe breakthrough as woman are always moaning that men just stare at their tits and never listen to them!


A boob,a vigina and an asshole are debating on who is the greatest of the 3 of them!
...BOOB :-" I give milk to new born babies and I'm attractive to the opposite sex,that's why i am the greatest!

VAGINA:-"That's nothing.i give birth to new borns and can accommodate the opposite sex,that's why i am the greatest!"...
Why
are you scrolling
down?? It's your turn to speak..


Two families move from Afghanistan to Australia.When they arrive the two fathers make a bet.In a years time whichever family has become more Australian will win. A year later they meet again.The first man says "Gday mate,my sons play footy,i had a pie for lunch and i'm on my way to pick up a slab of VB.How about you?
The second man reples "Fuck off ya rag head cunt"...


A kiwi bloke gets a job in a maternity unit and was asked to bath a wee Maori baby.The nurse walks in to see him moving the baby around the bath with a stick."You don't bath a baby using a stick",said the nurse.He replied."You do when the waters this fucking hot!"

A son asks his dad the difference between theoretically and realistically,Dad says "That's a hard but i have an idea.Ask your mum if she would sleep with the milkman for $1million".Mum says "Yes," Dad days,"Now ask your sister if she'll sleep with the postman for $2million." Sister says "Yes" "Well there you go son that's your answer,Theoretically we're sitting on $3million but realistically we;re living with 2 sluts."

[Spicer]

Paddy was telling Mick about his first sky dive.
"When i got to the door.i couldn't jump.So the 6ft7 black instructor unzips his fly and drops out his 12inch dick and says if you don't jump you're going to get this baby up your arse!"
Mick asks "Did you jump," Paddy replies "A little bit when it first went in."

[nathanwhite]

I asked my north Korean friend how he was doing.

He said, 'oh you know, can't complain'

[MSTRS:Me]

Irish divers were amazed to find that after 100 years lying on the sea bed, the Titanic’s swimming pool was still full.

[Jason Isaacs]

Father: In this term you have to get at least 90%
Son: I will get 100%
Father: Are you kidding?
Son: Who started first?

[biker baz]

There is Hot Sex, Fast Sex, Oral Sex, Fruit Sex, Safe Sex, Leather Sex, Phone Sex, Group Sex, Kinky Sex.

And for people with a face like yours there's wanking.

Helping ugly people have sex for centuries.

[biker baz]

Why do women wear knickers at work??

Because workplace Health and Safety require that all manholes must be covered when not in use.......

A life support system for a vagina

[munster]

Organised a threesome last night. There were a couple of no shows, but I still had a good time.

[munster]

I went for a testicle check up the other day and as the pretty Thai nurse was holding, cupping & squeezing my balls she said "Don't be embarressed Sir, it's perfectly normal to get an erection during a procedure such as this"

I replied "I don't have an erection"

She said "No, but I do!"

[mikeey01]

An Arab national is interviewed at the Embassy for a visa.

Consul: Your name please?
Arab: Abu Zina
Consul: Sex?
Arab: Everyday
Consul: Er, I mean, male or female?
Arab: Don't matter, sometimes even camel.
Consul: Holy cow!
Arab: Yes, cows and donkey too.
Consul: Isn't that hostile?
Arab: Hosstyle, dogstyle, any style.
Consul: Oh dear!
Arab: No deer, asshole too tight and run to fast.

[Swoop]

Lance Armstrong has denied ever using drugs, but he has admitted pedalling.

[<G>]

A dad buys a lie detector robot which slaps people when they lie. He decides to test it at dinner.

"Son, where were you today?"

Son says "at school dad."

Robot slaps the son!

"Ok, i watched a dvd at my mates!"

"What dvd?"

"Toy story."

Robot slaps the son again!

"Ok, it was a porno" cries the son.

"What! When I was your age I didn't know what porn was" says the dad.

Robot slaps the dad!

Mum laughs "HaHaHa! He's certainly your son."

Robot slaps The mum!

[MSTRS:Me]

I called that Rape Advice Line earlier today. Unfortunately, it's only for victims.

[<G>]

A teacher in a Detroit kindergarten class asked the kids what kind of sound a pig makes. Little Tyrone stood up and yelled: "FREEZE, MUTHAFUCKA!".