Share your txt jokes

[XxKiTtiExX]

Ewen Mcdonald starts a new job as a butcher on Monday.. He will specialize in home kill.

[caspernz]

Q: If a motorcyclist runs into a woman, who is to blame?

A: The motorcyclist of course! He shouldn't be riding in the kitchen

[caspernz]

A fella says to his drinking buddy: "My wife is the double of Kate Moss."

His mate quizzes this: "Nah, really?"

Fella: "Yeah bro, Kate Moss is eight stone and my wife sixteen stone."

[caspernz]

Q: What's the difference between a banker and a vampire?

A: A vampire sucks blood at night.

[Jase H]

http://www.nzherald.co.nz/sport/news...ectid=10820189

So John Kirwan is the new coach at the Blues.

Well, after this season's performance, they need someone who can handle depression...

[Spicer]

I thought i spotted a superhero earlier today when i saw a Maori running down the street wearing a cape.It turns out the black cunt had'nt paid for his haircut!

[Spicer]

I was in australia with the wife recently,when she was stung on the minge by a hornet.I phoned the local doctor,who was a bit of a laid back,surfer type,"Doc,please help me" "Hey,what's up man?""My wife has been stung on her vagina and it's completely closed up"
"Bummer dude"
"Thanks doc, bye"


I took the wife to a disco at the weekend.There was a guy on the dancefloor giving it large;breakdancing,moonwalking,back flips,the works.My wife turned to me and said,"See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and i turned him down."
I said "Looks like he's still fucking celebrating!!"

A kid sat on the stairs with his cat and his smarties.As his mum watched,he put a smartie in his mouth licked the cat and moved down a step,he then put another smartie in his mouth,licked the cat again moved down another step.His mum puzzled at his actions,asked "What are doing?" He said "I'm getting some practice in for when i'm older.'How's that?" "I'm popping pills,licking pussy and moving on."


An 11 year old girl realized that she had grown hair between her legs.She got worried and asked her mom about that hair.Her mom calmly said-"That part where hair has grown is called monkey,be proud that your monkey has grown hair" the girl smiled.At dinner,she told her sister-"My monkey has grown hair" Her sister smiled and said-"Thats nothing,mine is already eating bananas." Mom fainted.

[curly]

What's the difference between a drunk and a stoner?
A drunk drives through the stop sign... a stoner waits for it to turn green.

[Spicer]

I went to the local video shop and I said, 'Can I borrow Batman Forever?' He said, 'No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow'



I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, 'How flexible are you?' I said, 'I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays.'
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I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said 'Eurostar' I said 'Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.

I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on two counts.

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I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me managing director and I went right off into a tree. The police came and asked me what had happened.. I said 'I careered off the road'

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I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes first' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo' He said 'You're closest'
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This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says 'Audi!'
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I phoned the local builders today, I said to them 'Can I have a skip outside my house?' He said, 'I'm not stopping you!'

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I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just went on and on.
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My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bi-satchel.
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I went into a shop and I said, 'Can someone sell me a kettle.' The bloke said 'Kenwood' I said, 'Where is he then?'

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I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said 'Analogue.' I said 'No, just a watch.'
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I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said 'Tenpin?' I said, 'No, permanent..
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I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, 'That's Aboriginal.'

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My budgie broke his leg today, so i made the poor little thing a splint made out of two swan vesta matches. His little face lit up!!

So did the rest of him as i'd forgotten i'd lined his cage floor with sandpaper.
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A waiter approached our table and asked us if we enjoyed our meal.
"It was absolutely delicious, I ate every last bit!" said my wife.
"And Sir?" said the waiter. "How did you find the pork belly?"
"Oh, about six years ago, we met on holiday."

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A bloke catches a woman giving him the eye in the Supermarket. "Do I know you?" he says. She asks him "Aren't you the father of one of my children ?"
He quickly thinks back to the only time he was ever unfaithful and adds "Were you the hooker I had over the pool table while your mate spanked me with a wet piece of Celery while shoving a cucumber up my arse?"
"No" she replied "I'm your daughters teacher."

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I just broke the UK record for holding your breath underwater 8mins 30 secs

It started at the swimming baths when I heard a girl say "thats him dad"
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Mother catches son fingering his little sister...

Mother says, 'Holy Fuck! You'd better tell me something that makes this alright!'

Son says, 'I've found Dads wedding ring...'
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Rodney Dangerfield
"My parents sent me to a child pschyiatrist. That kid didn't help me at all."

[munster]

I don't give my woman an orgasm very often, but when I do she spits it out!

[angelindisguise]

TEXT JOKE:

( Cant be bothered going through 53 pages of jokes to see if this one's in...)

An innocent Irish girl says "my hands are freezing". Her mum replies "put them between your legs that'll warm them up" so she does. Next day she's with her boyfriend. He says "my hands are freezing" so she says " put them between my legs i'll warm them up!" Then he says "my penis is frozen." Later the girl asks her mum "have you ever heard of a penis?" Mum says "yes, why?" Girl says "dont they make a terrible mess when they defrost"

[MSTRS:Me]

I'm about to take part in the Great Bradford Run. It's not an official race - I just stand in the city centre and shout "Allah is a bastard" and then off we go....

A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to Britain so that they can see their own doctor.

I got sacked from my job as a Bingo caller. Apparently, "A meal for two with a hairy view" is not the way to call No 69.

I've just fitted strobe lights in the bedroom. It makes the wife look like she's moving during sex.

Two Thai girls asked me if I'd like to go bed with them - they said it would be just like winning the lotto! I agreed, and they were right. We all stripped off and, to my horror, we had six matching balls!

A Muslim has died whilst training to be a Skydiver. The "BNP School of Diving" said they had no idea why his snorkel and flippers did not open.

[slofox]

Saw a sign in the supermarket. It said "Fundraiser Garage Sale for two young girls."

I thought "Fuck me - if they're any good, I'll take 'em both!"

[YellowDog]

The cost of living has now become so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can't afford new batteries!

[Spicer]

Usain Bolt goes to a golf club and the man at reception says,"Sorry sir,we dont let black people play here.There's another club 10 minutes down the road that might help."
"But i'm Usain Bolt!" he says. "Alright then,clever cunt,3 minutes down the road,now fuck off!"

After suffering depression for a while me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough,once she killed herself i started to feel a lot better,so i thought fuck it,soldier on..!

Aman is walking behind his wife and says,"Baby you are so fat now your arse looks like a washing machine,"She keeps quiet and keeps walking.Bed time,the husband is asking for sex.She says,"I cant start the washing machine for such a small load you'll have to hand wash!"

There's only one thing worse than shitting the bed: And that's having to smear it around your girlfriends arse so she thinks that it's her fault.