Share your txt jokes

**granstar** · 13th January 2013, 17:06

I was just told i am delusional, I nearly fell off my unicorn.

Spicer · 4th February 2013, 19:17

Bloke walks into a pub and asks for a pint of anything except Stout.

Barman asks, "What's wrong with Stout?"

Bloke says, "I had 12 pints of Stout last night and when I came

round I was fucking skint."
Barman says, "12 pints of anything costs about the same."
Bloke replies, "Skint's my dog."

Wife says to husband "you only ever want sex when you're drunk".

Husband says "that's not true .. sometimes I want a kebab"

An Kiwi and a Yank aid worker are helping out at the Japan

nuclear disaster.
Yank says, "You from round here, buddy?"
"No," he replies, "Christchurch."
"What State's that in?" asks the Yank.
"Pretty much the same as this fuckin' place!â€

An assortment of high powered weapons and a stash of drugs

including cocaine, heroin and ecstacy have been found behind

the Job Centre in Aranui.
The locals are said to be in a state of shock........

They had no idea they had a Job Centre!

A man approaches a young woman in a shop.

He says "I can't find my wife, can I talk to you for a few

minutes?"

The woman says "Sure, but do you have any idea

where your wife is?"

"Not a clue," he says, "but whenever I talk to a woman

with tits like yours, she appears out of nowhere!"

The Japanese government have thanked Britain for the

rescue dogs they sent out to help with the nuclear disaster.
They said they were delicious!

My sexy Chinese neighbour told me she was desperate

for a "roger". It was only when I had my trousers round my

ankles and my cock out, that I realised she wanted to rent

her spare room out!!

I bought the wife a Memory Stick, it's great!
She hasn't forgotten my beer, dinner or sex once since the first beating.

Why is it whenever you see a fit blonde eating a banana you

think of a porn film but when you see a black women eating a

banana you think of the Discovery Channel.

John Key has announced he intends to make it more

difficult to claim benefits.
From next week the forms will only be printed in English.

Sky news report.

The Irish have joined in the attack on Libya.
They sent in three ships - two full of sand and one full of cement.

It was a mortar attack.

The missus asked if she pleased me in bed?
I said "yes, I love that trick you do with your mouth." . .. .

"What trick?" she asked?
"The one where you shut the fuck up and go to sleep!"

My son was sent home from school for swearing today.
I said what did you say?
He said the c word.
I said it wasn't clever, was it?
He said no, it was c*nt.

Kate Middleton asked the Queen for advice on marriage

and a long relationship. She replied "wear a seatbelt and

don't piss me off!"

"I'm baffled by your orange vagina."the doctor told his patient."Does anyone else in your family have this condition?" The concerned woman said "No." "Do you handle any chemicals at work?" "I don't work." "Well,what do you do all day?" said the doctor.The woman said,"I watch porn and eat cheezels."

A farmer was fucking the prize ewe when the sheepdog came over and started licking his arsehole. Although it helped him cum quicker,he couldn't help but think-dogs are dirty bastards!!!

My wife being the romantic sort,just sent me a text.........."If you are sleeping,send me your dreams.If you are laughing,send me your smile.If you are eating,send me a bite.If you are drinking,send me a sip.If you are crying,send me your tears.I love you xxx." I replied........"I am having a shit.What should i do ?"

Spicer · 7th February 2013, 12:51

A 7 year old & 4 year old are in their bedroom."You know what" says the 7 year old,"I think it's time we started swearing.When we go downstairs for breakfast i'll swear first then you." "Ok" says the 4 year old.Mum asks the 7 year old what he wants for breakfast."I'll have Coco pops,bitch," WHACK,he flew out of his chair crying his eyes out.Mum looked at the 4 year old & said sternly "And what do you want?."Dunno but it won't be fucking coco pops."

Two men are at the opposite side of the world but are thinking exactly the same thing...One is walking a tightrope between 2 skyscrapers,the other is getting a blowjob from a 85 year old woman..WHAT ARE THEY BOTH THINKING?....Whatever you do Don't look down,just don't Fucken look down..

What's the difference between a lawyer & a catfish? One is a scum sucking bottom dweller & the other is a fish.

A mother in-law said to her sons wife,"When baby was born i don't mean to be rude but he doesn't look anything like my son"..Daughter in-law lifted her skirt and said "I don't mean to be rude either but this a pussy not a fuckin photocopier".

I was vacuuming my house today and did what every single man on this plant has done at least once when vacuuming.I looked at the vacuum cleaner,and then looked at my penis,then i looked at my vacuum cleaner and then my penis,and thought to myself,hang on a fucking second,i've got a penis,why the fuck am i doing the vacuuming!!

Mick said to Paddy,"Close your curtains the next time you're shaggin your wife!" "Why?" asks Paddy."Because yesterday you were shaggin her and the whole street was out watching and laughing at you."Well" says Paddy,"The fuckin jokes on them because i wasn't even home yesterday!"

**Hinny** · 12th February 2013, 08:31

What do you call a retired Pope?
Ex-Benedict.

Spicer · 12th February 2013, 12:05

My gay mate ( not you another one) who is dyslexic can not wait for February 14th he thinks it is vaseline day.

I asked my mate,when is it ok to have sex with teenage girls? He said it's legal once they leave school....apparently 3:30 isn't what he meant.....

**MSTRS:Me** · 14th February 2013, 13:08

Apparently, I suffer from xenophobia... bet I caught it off some fucking foreigner

Spicer · 18th February 2013, 12:15

A mate went into a public toilet saw a notice on the door saying,"Beware Homosexuals." He then saw another notice on the toilet mirror saying,"Beware Homosexuals." Then he saw writing on the skirting board,so he bent down to read it.It said,"Brace yourself,you were warned twice!"

Spicer · 23rd February 2013, 19:17

"Ecuse me," I said to the woman sitting in front of me on the bus,"You have some semen on the back of your jacket." "I'm sure it's not semen," she said,"I'ts probably Yoghurt." "It's definitely semen," I said," I don't ejaculate Yoghurt."

As i lay in bed,i felt a hand slowly reach down into my boxers and start to play with my balls and stroke my cock.It was nice but i wasn't in the mood."Not tonight." I whispered. "I'm tired." "It doesn't work like that in here!" said my cell mate.

A copper comes across a pissed up Paddy crawling along a railway track.Copper says,"What the fuck are you doing? Paddy looks up and says,"Oh bejesus thank fuck for that can you help me off this fucking ladder!'

**nathanwhite** · 27th February 2013, 09:53

Why do women get married in white? Because typically you'd want the dishwasher to match the fridge...

Spicer · 27th February 2013, 10:29

I was watching a film with my little boy last night as the wife was out.He said,"Dad I'm getting scared,is that lady going to die?" I said,"Probably son,judging by the size of that horses cock."