Share your txt jokes

Spicer · 27th September 2013, 12:01

why do American girls love kiwi sailors? Because they can be on top for two weeks and still not come first.

NEW STATISTIC
25% of the women in this country are on medication for mental illness That's scary..........IT means 75% are running around untreated.

Spicer · 28th September 2013, 09:25

ORACLE stands for, One.Rich.Arsehole.Called.Larry.Ellison

Spicer · 2nd October 2013, 21:12

The problem when a turbin head walks into the doc's you freak a little but when he walks out on the phone and looks up.......!!*

Spicer · 8th October 2013, 12:31

Miley Cyrus licks a sledgehammer and its sexy. I do it and get told I'm nuts and to get the fuck out of Bunnings.

A man invites his mate back for dinner. His wife screams at him "I've not done my hair! Not done my makeup! Not done any house work! Not done the dishes and can't be fucked cooking any dinner! Why the fuck did you invite him over?" "Because he's thinking of getting married."

Spicer · 20th October 2013, 05:39

Why are the best basket ball players black? Because it involes running,shooting and stealing.

Two eggs are boiling in a pot.One says,"Check out my crack." The other says,"Stop teasing i'm not even hard yet..."

A man and his wife are on hoilday in Jamaica and walk past a man selling magic sex sandals.The Jamaican said,"dee's magic sandels make ya a sex god man!" The wife is intriqued and convinces her husband to try some on,as soon as he puts them on,he instantly grabs the Jamaican,bends him over and sticks his cock up his arse.The Jamaican screams "Fuck sake man,ya gattdem on da wrong feet!"

One day a teacher was asking a class about marriage. Teacher: "What kind of wife would you like Johnny?" Johnny: 'I would want a wife like the moon." Teacher: "WOW!!" What a choice...do you want her to be beautiful and calm like the moon?" Johnny" "No,i want her to arrive at night and fuck off in the morning!"

Since my wife's doctor put her on some new medication,our sex life has been amazing! Anal,golden showers,fisting,double fisting,nothing wakes her up!

Spicer · 27th October 2013, 05:37

2 young lads are arguing over whose father is the biggest coward.1st boy says,"My dads so scared,when lighting strikes,he hides under the bed!" The 2nd boy laughs and replies,"Yeah well that's nothing! My dad's such a wimp-when my mum works nightshift,he sleeps with my sister!!"

A blonde goes on a hot date and ends up making out with the guy in his car.The guy asks if she would like to go in the back seat."No" yells the blonde.Things get even hotter and the guy asks again."For the last time,no!" says the blonde.Frustrated the guy asks,"Well why the hell not?" The blonde says,"Because I wanna stay up here with you!"

Paddy says to Nick "I'm booked in for a circumcision tomorrow" Mick says "I had that done when i was a day old." Paddy says "Did you?-was it sore?" Mick says "Well i couldn't fucking walk for 18 months!"

Spicer · 10th November 2013, 05:46

The Beer Prayer

Our beer,which art in barrels,Hallowed be thy drink,
Thy will be drunk,I will be drunk,At home as it is in public Forgive us
this day our daily spillage As we forgive those who spillest
against us,And lead us not into the practice of sissy wine
tasting,And deliver us from D U I'S For mine is the barley,
The hops and the malt,Forever and ever,
BARMEN

"3-Blondes"
What happens when you line up three blondes in a row and blow through their ears?
A windmill

Just went to Harvey Norman this morning,I saw a midget carrying a TV to his car.I said,"Hey mate need some help with that TV?" He said,"Fuck off you arsehole it's an I-pad."

The new Royal Baby, George,has already done three of the things on my bucket list.
1: Became a billionaire
2: Met the Queen
3: Sucked Kate Middleton's Tits

My missus got a tattoo on her pussy...It had 'December 25' on one flap and 'January 1st on the other flap.I asked "Why did you do that?" She said,"You always complain there's nothing to eat between christmas and new years..."

Spicer · 30th November 2013, 13:58

A little boy is playing with his train,mum overhears him say,"All you bastards getting off can fuck off.All you bastards getting on better fucking hurry up!" Mum sends him to his room for 2 hours until he learns to be nice.When he starts playing again 2 hours later,mum hears him say,"Those disembarking please mind the step and have a nice day,those boarding please enjoy your journey and those upset at the 2 hour delay,blame the Fucken Bitch in the Kitchen!"

2 gays Rupert and Cecil are lying in bed together.Rupert starts rubbing vaseline on his chest. Cecil said,"What are you doing?" Rupert said,"I read that vaseline stimulates hair growth and i want a hairy chest".Cecil replies,"Don't be fuckin stupid,if that was true i'd have a ponytail hanging out of my arse."

**MSTRS:Me** · 6th December 2013, 15:17

After all these years of trying I've finally found my wife's G spot. Would you believe her sister had it all this time!!

**MIXONE** · 6th December 2013, 22:48

Originally Posted by Hunter11Rilley

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Burn him!!!

**Bassmatt** · 7th December 2013, 07:44

Originally Posted by Hunter11Rilley

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WTF!