Share your txt jokes

[Spicer]

"I'm fed up with the excuses women come up with to avoid having sex,like; "I'm tired,I'm washing my hair,I've got a headache,I'm your sister..."

Grandma says to her grandson,"Be a love and help me put this suppository in," "Of course i will gran" says the little boy.She bends over,pulls her knickers down and spreads her buttocks.The boy says,"Do i put it in the Brown hole or feed it to the turkey?"

I got home and found the missus had left a post-it note on the fridge saying "It's no good it's not working I'm staying at mums for a while." I opened it,the light came on,the beer was well chilled Fuck knows what she was on about?

Text from daughter to mum: Hello mum,need some advice.I have some of my boyfriends cum stuck in my hair,how do i get it out,will i have to cut it out?
Text from mum to daughter: It's nice you can send me such an open and frank text,No you won't have to cut it out,I've had loads of cum in my hair over the years and it will just wash out.xx
Daughter back to mum: Oh My God....I meant to spell GUM!

My 16 year old son caught me shagging his missus last night."WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" he screamed. "This is payback for 1997.You wrecked my girlfriends pussy,now i'm wrecking yours!!"

Fucking women!!!!!! I was quite happily listening to the news last night about a stricken cruise ship and the presenter said "She is lying on her side with a gash the size of a tennis court." I just happened to glance over at the wife,and all hell broke lose!!!!

What did one butt cheek say to the other?
Together we can stop this shit!

Did you hear about the cannibal who arrived late to the dinner party?
They gave him the cold shoulder!

[crazyhorse]

Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

[Spicer]

3 mice in a pub having a heavy discussion about who's the hardest mouse.
1st mouse says he is,"I go up to mousetraps rip the cheese out and as the bar comes down i benchpress it 30 times and throw it across the room!"
2nd mouse says,"You poof! i get rat poison,crush it into powder and snort it"
3rd mouse finishes his drink gets up and walks to the door,"Where are you going?" asked the other 2,"Home to fuck the cat."

Little Dave asked his dad,"Why are gardeners called green fingered when their fingers aren't actually green?" "It's just a saying son."
"Oh and why are thieves always caught red handed when their hands are black?"
"Good point son."

What do you get when you cross a black person and an Asian?
Someone who can steal a car but can't drive it.

A blonde walks into a chemist and asks the pharmacist for some bottom deodorant.The pharmacist,a little bemused explains to the woman that they don't sell anything called bottom deodorant and never have.Unfazed the blonde assures him that she has been buying the stuff from the store on a regular basis and would like some more,"I'm sorry",says pharmacist,"We don't have any." "But i always get it here!" says the blonde."Do you have the container it comes in?" "Yes!" says the blonde,"I will go and get it." She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist,who looks at it and says to her,"This is just normal stick deodorant." The annoyed blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container; "To apply,push up bottom!"

I was walking behind two girls when the wind got right up their skirts so i could see their panties. I fucking love my new leaf blower.

[Spicer]

A teenage boy comes home from school at 9pm.His dad says,"Where were you?" The boy replies,"I was with Jessica" His dad asked,"What were you doing?"
"We were revising." He replied.After picking a snack up off the table the son says."These fishcakes are nice" His dad replies,"Go and wash your hands son,they're pikelets!!"

They say that during sex you burn as many calories as running 10km.Who the fuck runs 10km in 30 seconds?

I recently took up speed dating.Or,as some people call it rape.

Took my mrs to one of those wife swapping parties the other night.What a fucken waste of time that was.All they had was other wives,I was after a chainsaw or new outboard.

Man hires a chinese private Investigator,Chen Lee,to watch his wife.A few days later he gets this report: Sir I watch house,you leave house.He came to house.He and she leave house.I follow.He and she go hotel.I climb tree and look in window.He kiss she.She kiss he.He strip.She strip.He play with she.She play with he.I play with me.I fall out tree.I not see.No fee.Chen lee.Very Sollee!

[YellowDog]

Wife txts husband on a cold winter's morning:

"Windows frozen."

Husband texts back:

"Pour luke warm water over it."

Wife texts back:

"Computer completely fukked now.”

[Tigadee]

Roses are red
Grass is greener
When I think of you
I touch my wiener

[Spicer]

Valentines day......,Secretly men feel left out,there's no special holiday for the ladies to show their appreciation to the man in their life.So march 14th is now officially "Steak,blowjob and shut the fuck up day" Simple effective and self-explanatory,no cards,no flowers,no fancy meal.Just a steak,a blowjob and shut the fuck up for the rest of the day. That's it! Spread the word and help men feel appreciated!

Last night we played a game where we gave each other nicknames with Bird Theme.I was an Owl "clever".Pete was an Eagle "good hunter".Oh and you were a Thrush "an irritating cunt."

A real woman really is man's best friend.She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day.She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do.She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give into his most intimate desires.She makes him feel confident and sexy,seductive and invincible....No...wait....wait,I'm thinking of beer.It's fucking beer that does that! Sorry!

ACC are fuckwits! when the neighours 17 year old daughter cut herself on our fence they told me to take some pictures of her gash...Guess who's in court tomorrow..?

A guy goes to the store to buy condoms."Do you want a bag?" the cashier asks."No" the guy says,"She's not that ugly."

The police asked me to identify what they thought was my girlfriends body.They pulled the sheet back to show her face."I can't be certain." I told them.The sheet went back a bit further to reveal her breasts and hard nipples,"Sorry,but I'm still not sure." Then they took the sheet completely off and i had a good look at the body and shaved minge."That's definitely not her,officer" 'Are you sure?" "Yep.my girlfriend's not black."

[Spicer]

Young lad pulls an older woman at a club.She's 58 but looks very good for her age.On the way back to her house the lad is thinking mmm! i bet her daughter is hot.When out of the blue she asks if he'd like a Sportmans Double? "What's that?" he asks."It's a mother and daughter threesome!" he says,"WOW YES PLEASE" so as they go in her front door,she puts the hall light on and shouts "Mum put your fuckin teeth in,he's up for it!"

One friend asked the other,"What is a dilemma,actually?" He replied,"Well let me illustrate with an example.Imagine that you are lying in a big bed with a beautiful naked young woman on one side and a gay man on the other who are you going to turn your back on?"

Paddy and Murphy were swimming.They saw a pregnant lady drowning and quickly pulled her to safety.Paddy starts giving her mouth to mouth.Murphy opens her legs and puts his mouth on her vagina.Paddy yells,"What the fuck are you doing?" Murphy replies,"You save the mother,i will save the baby..!!

2 Dogs are at the vet.Jack and Butch.Butch asks jack "What are you in for?" "I mauled a postman so I'm being put to sleep,what are you in for?" Butch says,"I was walking past the bathroom when i saw my owner stark naked,bent over the bath washing her hair,i was feeling horney so i mounted her doggy style." "Fuck that serious shit replies jack,no wonder you are being put down!" "I'm not" says,Butch,"i'm here to get my nails clipped!"

[Spicer]

Ive just been to a country fair and bought some antique farming equipment.
12 Niggers and a whip.

An old man gets on a bus but there are no seats so he leans on his walking stick the bus brakes and he slips.A young lad says,"Mister if you had a rubber on the end of your stick that wouldn't have happened!" The old man replies,"If your dad had taken the same advice I'd have a fuckin seat!"

Three year old boy was trying to open a yoghurt one morning.After a few minutes,he started getting stressed and said,"Fuckin stupid cunt lid!" Mum looked at dad and said,"Where's he got that from?" Dad said,"From the fridge you thick cunt!"

Called my boss earlier and said,"I won't be returning to work tomorrow because i have vaginal issues." He said,"For fucks sake you're a man." I replied,"Yes but you're a cunt."

Took an ugly girl out for a drink.Back home,we kissed and fondled.She said,"I don't have sex on the first date." I said,"How about the last?"

Silently i slipped the condom over my erect dick and unrolled it down the entire length of my throbbing shaft,never once losing eye contact with the young woman as she stared at me in wide eyed,jaw dropping disbelief...Then breaking the silence i spoke..."Yes that seems to fit alright,I'll take the whole packet please...

My young nephew Harry asked me how babies are made.I had no idea how to approach it so i looked online and found a video that explains it all.
At the end of the video i told him "It's basically just like that,only the white goo on her face should have gone up her pussy and normally there isn't a horse involved."

[Jase H]

https://twitter.com/isaach/status/43...714369/photo/1

[YellowDog]

I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, more than you. It's not available at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again.
The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.
A few moments later, a second text came in:

Damn autocorrect. I meant "WIFI"", not "wife".

[Spicer]

A black woman in Chicago was admitted to hospital for an abortion.
2 weeks later she received a cheque for $1,500.She phoned the hospital to ask who it was from. They said CRIME STOPPERS.

I was reading a book last night called "100 ways to please your woman."
The wife said,"Don't bother reading any of that nonsense-you only need to do two things for me,and i'll be the happiest woman ever." I smiled and said,"AWW,what's that?" She said,"Pack your bags and fuck off."

A mugger jumped out in front of an old lady and demanded all her money,she replied:"I don't have any!" He searched her body until he was feeling inside her knickers."I said i have no money," the lady replied,"but if you keep that up,I'll write you a cheque!"

For all you sports fans out there the New Zealand Radio-Daily Question Competition to win a CD. Announcer- "What category question would you like?" Caller- "Sport please." Announcer-"What's the name of the race that stops a nation?" Caller- "Maori"
SILENCE...

What's the mating call of the blonde?
"I'm *Sooo* drunk!"

[Spicer]

My mate's shagging twins,who both like it up the arse.I asked how do you tell them apart? He said,"Oh that's easy,Sallys got massive tits and a nice shaven pussy and Derek's got a moustache and big bollocks."

Mrs bought home a tub of ice cream and asked if i wanted some."How is it?" i asked.She cheekily replied,"As hard as your cock when your thinking about me naked!"
I said "Go on then pour me a glass."

My wife can manipulate the muscles of her fanny so it feels like your getting a blowjob,which is ironic because when she manipulates the muscles of her mouth she sounds like a cunt.

Two cops and a police dog outside a pub.An old drunk fella walks out of the pub,lifts up the dogs tail,stares at it's arse,puts it's tail down and turns to walk away.Cop says,"What are you doing?" The drunk says,"Them fellas in the pub said there's a dog outside with two arseholes!"

Two doctors having sex.He says,"You must be a sugeon you washed your hands before and after." She replies,"Well you must be an anesthetist,I didn't feel a thing."

The wife gave me $50 and told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy. You should've seen her face when i came home pissed!

A guy walks into an ice cream shop with his wife and son.He says,"I'll have a chocolate cone." His wife says."I'll have a vanilla cone." Then the man slaps his son on the back of the head and says,"What do you want fat head?" The lady behind the counter asks,"Why did you smack him and call him fat head?" The husband replies,"There are 3 things in life a man wants! The 1st is a nice big truck.You see that nice big truck out there? Thats mine! The 2nd thing a man wants is a nice big house.You see that great big house on top of the hill? Thats mine! The 3rd thing a man wants is a nice tight pussy and i had that until fat head came along!"

[Spicer]

A train hits a bus load of Catholic school girls and they all perish.At the gates of heaven,St.Peters asks the girls weather they have ever had any contact with a penis...The first girl giggles and says she once touched the tip of one with her finger.Peter asks the girl to dip the finger into the holy water.The next girl says she once fondled one,so sticks her hand in the holy water. Suddenly there is a commotion and one girl pushes to the front.
"Jenny,what's the rush?" asks Peter.She replies "I want to gargle that holy water before Kathy sticks her arse in it."

Went into a brothel and said,"How much for anal?" She said,"$160." I said,"Too expensive,i'll leave it." She said,'Tight arse!" I said,"Oh go on then,you've talked me into it."

Sex Research: If sex with 3 people is called a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome.Now i understand why they call you handsome!

If Jim has 50 chocolate bars,and eats 45,what does he have?
Diabetes.

[Spicer]

Man comes home to find his wife packing her suitcase and leaving him."Where are you going?" he asks,"I'm off to aussie."She replies,"I can make $400 a root over there." He immediately starts packing."Where the hell are you going?" she asks,"I'm coming to...i want to see you survive on $400 a year."

Paddy rings his new girlfriends doorbell with a big bunch of flowers.She opens the door,sees the flowers and drags him in.She lies back on the couch pulls her skirt up,rips her knickers off and says,"This is for the flowers!! "Don't be silly," says paddy."You must have a vase somewhere."

A maori and an islander jump off the top of a building.Which one hits the ground first? Who gives a Fuck?

Paddy goes into a Dublin florist shop and says,"Good afternoon,I'd like to buy a bunch of flowers for my girlfriend please." The florist looks at him and replies,"Certainly sir,what is it you're after?" "A Fuck",says Paddy.